Journalist Phil Brown happy to move into Royal role

After a taste of Harry and Meghan’s bombshell television interview, one unsympathetic commentator outlines his own credentials to pick up where the Duke of Sussex left off.

I hear there are a couple of job vacancies in the Royal Family and I would like to apply. I should preface my comments with the fact that I watched some of the Harry and Meghan interview with Oprah and find it hard to feel too sorry for three very rich people sitting around whingeing.

In the words of one of my idols, Dr Evil, can I just say – “Boo Frickety Hoo!”

How sorry do I feel for Harry and Meghan? Let me quote Dr Evil … Boo Frickety Hoo!

But more to the point now that they are out for good I’d like in and I think I can do it. I wouldn’t mind wandering around in a houndstooth jacket shooting grouse in season. I wouldn’t mind being chauffeured around in a vintage Roller waving at people. I could do that.

And those holidays at Balmoral always appeal since I have Scottish as well as English blood. I’ve seen footage of Charles trout fishing up there and it looks very relaxing indeed.

And I could look down my nose at people if need be and I’d love to travel throughout the Commonwealth by private jet. How hard would that be?

Okay I know I’d be in the media spotlight but that’s my tribe so I wouldn’t be worried and I’d understand completely if they had to write stuff about me I didn’t like. It goes with the job right?

A family gather around the television in Liverpool, north west England to watch Prince Harry and his wife Meghan's explosive tell-all interview on CBS with Oprah Winfrey. (Photo by Paul ELLIS / AFP)

But frankly if I was stinking rich and, like Prince Charles, owned, among other things, Cornwall, you could say whatever the hell you liked about me and I wouldn’t give a fig.

Living in a palace? I could do that quite easily too. Smiling when I didn’t mean it? Check. In fact I could do all of it!

But am I qualified? Well actually, yes, I think I am.

For a start I hold a British passport. Okay it has lapsed but I could easily renew it if I had the funds. And if I joined the Royals I would, right? My father was born in London and that gives me dual Australian and British citizenship. The only problem with that is that I can’t become Prime Minister of Australia. As Jerry Seinfeld says – “That’s a shame.”

For the media the royals are the gift that keeps on giving. (Photo by Glyn KIRK / AFP)

I was brought up in colonial Hong Kong which also gives me some imperial credibility I think. And I do have a regal background, by name at least. My paternal grandfather’s name was Lord Roberts Brown which sounds impressive, doesn’t it? Actually he wasn’t a real Lord … that was just his name. He was born in Lewisham in London in 1900 (which is not exactly the right part of town) and was named after the military hero Lord Roberts you see. You couldn’t really have mistaken my grandfather for a Lord, believe you me.

And Royals are supposed to have some military background, yes? Well my father was in the Australian infantry in World War II if that helps. He often said he was a general. A general nuisance.

For my part I have some naval cachet in that I was once a sea cadet at T.S. Tyalgum on the Gold Coast. I lasted about six months and was ejected for insubordination. But I did serve in uniform for a time. I hope that helps.

And of course I have a Royal name, Phillip, although I have one more L in my name than Phil the Greek. Still, it’s close. My middle name is Scott from my Scottish ancestry on my mother’s side and I believe I may well be related to the author of Ivanhoe, Sir Walter Scott.

There, I think I have made a fairly good case for myself as a prospective Royal. The fact that I am a republican should be neither here nor there.

Anyhow, as I said, I’m available. Call me?