Mike O’Connor’s predictions for 2021

Mike O’Connor has gazed into his crystal gin glass to divine what lies ahead of Queensland and Australia in the next 12 months.

Foretelling the future can be fraught, but having gazed into my crystal ball – a crystal glass actually, containing a generous measure of gin and just a hint of tonic – I predict the following events will unfold through 2021.

JANUARY: Statistics show a spike in the number of children being named Bruce. This is due to the increase in babies being born on the Bruce Highway while their parents are trapped in traffic jams. Average time for the drive from Brisbane to the Sunshine Coast is now a week.

FEBRUARY: Bushfires threaten Queensland communities and Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk says that while there is no proof that her NSW counterpart Gladys Berejiklian started them, she wouldn’t put it past her. Ms Palaszczuk says a new water bomber is on the way to help deal with the fires. Unfortunately, it’s in Siberia and won’t arrive until 2025.

MARCH: In a desperate attempt to improve his popularity, federal Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese buys a suit that almost fits him and a tie that doesn’t look like a recycled tea towel. Bill Shorten continues to circle, telling colleagues that if they support him he will promise to burn his running shoes and never go jogging in public ever again.

Traversing the Bruce Highway between Brisbane and the Sunshine Coast won’t get any more pleasurable.

APRIL: The ABC quotes scientific sources saying that coalmining causes COVID-19. It also predicts that 2021 will be the hottest year in history or even before history, whenever that was, causing massive icebergs to flow from the Antarctic to Queensland and destroy the Great Barrier Reef. ABC staff, who refused to take a pay cut in 2020, demand a pay rise.

“It’s hard work finding something negative to say about the Morrison government every week as well as predicting the end of the world. We need to be paid more,” says a spokesperson.

MAY: Figures show that the cost of child care continues to rise and now consumes 50 per cent of household budgets. Suggestions that it would be cheaper for parents to take care of their own children are howled down. “I’d have to cancel my gym membership,” fumes one mother.

JUNE: The road toll continues to fall in every state except Queensland, where it increases. The Government’s response is to increase fines in the certain knowledge that this will achieve what it has in the past, which is absolutely nothing. Suggestions that the rising toll could be because we have the worst, most poorly maintained road system in the country are dismissed.

Yes, it’s 2021 and Albo is still here.

JULY: The State Government achieves its half-yearly target of employing one public servant for every person in Queensland. “By the end of 2021, we hope to have everyone in Queensland working for the Government,” says Treasurer Cameron Dick.

AUGUST: Premier Palaszczuk closes the border with NSW when a Brisbane man suffers food poisoning after eating a dozen oysters. “They were Sydney rock oysters,” she says, “and let me make it quite clear that I’m keeping Queenslanders safe. I urge everyone to only eat Queensland oysters. Queensland oysters are for Queenslanders.” On hearing this, Gladys Berejiklian’s eyes roll so far back in her head that she has to be sedated.

SEPTEMBER: State Opposition Leader David Crisafulli takes to wearing his shirts back to front. ”It’s for my own protection,” he says. “Liberal Party executives always stab you in the back so I hope that putting my shirts on backwards might confuse them and give me a fighting chance of leading the party to the next election.”

Mark Bailey with a big bore. That’s Mark Bailey on the left.

OCTOBER: Federal police discover a tunnel has been dug between Sydney and Auckland after paramedics are called to the Hotel Bondi following reports of a man in difficulties. The man, described as “quite large”, got stuck while trying to exit the tunnel which emerged in cubicle number three in the gents’ toilets. This prompts the Queensland Government to declare all NSW public toilets to be hot spots. “I’m keeping Queenslanders safe,” says Premier Palaszczuk. “I urge all Queenslanders in NSW wanting to use a toilet to hang on until they get back across the border. Queensland toilets are for Queenslanders.”

NOVEMBER: Transport Minister Mark Bailey announces that the Cross River Rail project has been modified following what he describes as “minor engineering issues”, which mean that trains don’t actually fit into the tunnel. Commuters will now be given an electric scooter on which to traverse the tunnel and then board a train at the other end. “I recommend bringing a torch,” the Minister says.

DECEMBER: The ban on international travel is finally lifted but airports remain deserted, with Australians having become so addicted to streaming television services that they can’t bear to leave their living rooms.

Gladys Berejiklian just heard Annastacia Palaszczuk’s latest howler.