Opinion: Grandparents Day a reminder they often know best

Grandparents can annoy with their parenting advice, but it’s time to take stock of their positive contribution, writes Kylie Lang. VOTE IN OUR POLL

Few things are more annoying than being told how to parent, by your parent. Am I right?

Advice on what to feed your children, how to discipline them, what they should wear, do, see, become.

It can feel like a never-ending critique as unsolicited opinions flow like the wine we pour ourselves to cope.

But those of us fortunate to have our parents still alive and still involved should take time to appreciate the important role they play.

Tomorrow is Grandparents Day, an opportunity to celebrate older loved ones, even if that means doing it remotely due to border bans and travel restrictions.

I count myself doubly blessed to have my mother and father both present, and their wise counsel and physical support as I raised my son alone was truly invaluable.

They continue to be my strongest backers and I’d be lost without them.

But despite our closeness, there have been times of prickliness. Times when I’ve bristled at their suggestions of how I might, in essence, do things better.

This is normal – apparently.

Last year, the Mott Poll, by the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital at the University of Michigan, found almost half of all parents disagreed with grandparents on what was best for their kids.

The biggest triggers were discipline, food, screen time and bedtime.

However, only 43 per cent of peeved parents actually told grandparents they were unhappy with their behaviour.

Of grandparents who did get the heads-up, almost half said they’d try to do better, and did.

The rest did not change.

I understand the lack of adaptability in a sense. Being the decision makers in the family for so long, as parents themselves, could be hard to relinquish.

They also might not stop doing things that annoy us because they truly believe they know best (and in my case, they often do).

The 2017 Australian Seniors Series: Raising Modern Australia report shows grandparents think parenting styles have taken a turn for the worst. Today’s parents are more over protective and less strict, and a lack of discipline has created a more entitled generation of young people.

They also think “helicopter parents” are overly concerned with dietary requirements and personal safety issues and should simply take the time to enjoy being parents.

The report, by CoreData, found 52.7 per cent of parents challenged grandparents on how best to raise children, and 42.7 per cent said they had mild to serious conflicts during these disagreements.

Interestingly, less than one-quarter of grandparents felt the disagreements were mild to serious.

Perhaps this is because grandparents don’t see themselves as being “out of line” because they are integral to the family unit – and who could blame them?

Alan Ralph, from Queensland’s positive parenting program Triple P, says clashes are understandable.

Kylie Lang's son Samuel Lang with his grandparents Dawn and Ray Lang at Christmas 2020

“Grandparents often like to indulge their grandchildren, and may feel that it’s their right to do so because they’re no longer responsible for the child’s discipline,” Dr Ralph says.

“They might give their grandchild treats or toys even though the parent has said no.

“This can also be frustrating or surprising for some parents if they didn’t see this level of indulgence when they were growing up.

“Some grandparents also like to pass on all their wisdom and life lessons by giving frequent suggestions, but parents may see this as unsolicited advice and perhaps feel like they are being constantly criticised; leaving them likely to respond badly if they haven’t asked for an opinion.”

Amen to all that.

Dr Ralph suggests open communication in which discrepancies between parent and grandparent expectations can be overcome. Be clear about the support received and given and what is considered “grandparent interference”.

To this I’d add, step outside yourself for a moment, take a breath, and acknowledge that these are the people who raised you, loved you, and put up with you when YOU were annoying, which was probably often.

Be kind. Life is short.

Kylie Lang is associate editor of The Courier-Mail

LOVE

* The sensible move by Dr Krispin Hajkowicz to pull the pin on replacing Dr Jeannette Young as chief health officer. He was on a hiding to nowhere trying to get the State Government to detail a ­pathway out of the pandemic.

* Recognition of Queensland’s stupendous Scenic Rim region as one of the hottest destinations to visit in 2022 by travel bible Lonely Planet.

LOATHE

* Premier Annastacia ­Palaszczuk prohibiting international travellers, including fully vaxxed Queenslanders, from entering the state without 14 days’ quarantine until we hit her new target of 90 per cent of us being double vaccinated.

* Brisbane’s Olympic committee documents will be kept secret under news laws introduced by self-appointed Olympics Minister Palaszczuk.