Relationship Rehab: ‘Embarrassed’ wife’s 12-year sex secret

The woman enjoys sex but there’s a question her husband always asks - and it’s “too hard” for her to tell the truth.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a woman who has never had an orgasm.

Question: My husband and I have a fairly good relationship but there’s something on my mind that’s been bothering me. We’ve been married for 12 years but I’ve never reached orgasm with him. I don’t think I’ve ever had one with anyone. The worst part is, I’ve never told him. Anytime he’s asked, “did you orgasm?” I just say yes because I was too embarrassed to say no. Now it just seems too hard to tell him. I do enjoy sex with him (most of the time) but I’ve just never had that experience of an orgasm that so many people talk about. How can I improve our sex life, hopefully without telling him I’ve been lying about it for all these years?

Answer: I can see your dilemma. The sooner we speak up about something we don’t like, the easier it is, but that’s often easier said than done for women when it comes to our sexual pleasure.

There are many reasons women don’t speak up about what we like in bed:

• We don’t know what we like

• We’re embarrassed about our pleasure or lack of it

• We don’t know how to ask for what we want

• We’re afraid of hurting a partner’s feelings

I’ve previously written about the reasons women find it challenging to ask for what they want in bed, which are unfortunately common, inhibiting pleasure for both partners. This is a factor in the ‘Orgasm Gap’, a phenomenon where, in heterosexual relationships, men orgasm more often than women.

Do you need to tell your husband you’ve never reached orgasm?

I can see why being honest now feels like a risk that you don’t want to take. I don’t think you necessarily need to tell him. You can still raise the issue of enjoying yourselves more in bed and have your first orgasm without telling him. However, it will require you learning to speak up more.

How to increase your sexual enjoyment:

Discover what you like by yourself

When you’re learning about what you like or learning how to have an orgasm for the first time, it’s easier to explore on your own. You get an immediate feedback loop of what feels good for you, without the pressure of trying to please a partner or explain to them what you like. You can then tell (or show) your partner what you enjoy during partner sex.

Open the conversation about sex

Let your partner know that you‘d like to explore more sexually together. Couples who can talk about sex openly and honesty have higher sexual satisfaction than those who can’t. Open sexual communication includes having conversations about sex outside the bedroom. While this can feel uncomfortable at first, it gets easier with practice – and the results are worth it.

Rather than focus on what’s ‘wrong’, you’ll have a more effective conversation if you can voice your needs positively and ask for your partner’s involvement.

Here are 3 steps to raising a difficult topic with a partner:

1. Share something positive

2. State what you’d like to be different

3. Request (rather than demand) what you’d like

This might sound like:

I love the closeness and intimacy we have. I’ve been thinking lately that I’d love to explore ways for sex to be more enjoyable for both of us. Are you open to trying some new things together to see if that’s possible?

Many men want more direction from their partner in the bedroom. Picture: iStock.

Learn to ask for what you want

Contrary to the concern that many women have about hurting their partner’s feelings if they need to give direction, many men I speak to (at least in therapy), want more direction from their partner on what feels good. When I give couples touch and communication exercises for homework in therapy, they’re often surprised at how comfortable it is and both feel relieved to have tools to communicate better.

Increase the time you spend in foreplay

Inadequate foreplay in one of the most common reasons women struggle to reach orgasm. Our bodies go through complex changes in order to fully prepare for sex. When we spend at least 20 minutes in mutually enjoyable foreplay, we lower our chance of feeling pain during sex and considerably increase our likelihood of reaching orgasm.

Try direct clitoral stimulation

Most women don’t reach orgasm through penetration sex alone. We also need clitoral stimulation. While this can sometimes occur during penetration sex because of the way your bodies fit together, many women require more direct stimulation. Using either a toy or fingers to pleasure the clitoris can help you ‘over the edge’ to orgasm.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

Originally published as Relationship Rehab: ‘Embarrassed’ wife’s 12-year sex secret