Periomenopausal woman, mansplainer: Fran Whiting’s top Halloween costumes for 2023

If you’re stuck for ideas on what to wear this Halloween, here are some suggestions that are truly terrifying, writes Frances Whiting.

All Hallows’ Eve is almost upon us, and soon gangs of small children in highly flammable costumes and out of their minds on sugar will be freely roaming our streets, and if that’s not terrifying I don’t know what is.

Australia has well and truly embraced Halloween, hasn’t it? And so have I.

Yes, after years resisting its witchy charms and boring everyone to tears with my speech on how it is yet another example of American culture creeping insidiously into our own, I have joined the other side – the Zombie one.

Look out for me among the Trick or Treaters on Tuesday, I’ll be dressed as a hypocrite.

Frances Whiting delivers some Halloween inspiration.

The thing is, in a world where our kids are confronted every single day by an ever-increasing plethora of horrors – brutal wars, racism, the rise of the far right, global pandemics (you name it, this generation has to deal with it) – Halloween, I’ve come to realise, is fun. It just is. Being allowed out on the streets to roam free with your mates and consume more lollies in one night than your mum lets you have in the whole year?

It doesn’t get much better than that for a kid. By the way, there’s a bloke I know who is becoming ever more strident and vocal in his abhorrent, far-right views.

I’m thinking of terrifying him on Halloween by going to his house dressed as a reasonable person.

Anyway, on that note, if you’re stuck for ideas on what to wear this Halloween, here are some suggestions for both individual and group costumes to go as, that are truly terrifying.

Influencer: Wear something that makes you stand out. Take selfies at every single door you trick or treat at. Make people who open the door take their photo with you. Do not actually eat any of the lollies you are given, but do take pictures of them.

Politician dancing: Doesn’t matter which one. Pick any of them.

Perimenopausal woman:For this look, just wear an attitude. One that says something like: “What are you $%$# staring at? Do you have a problem with what I’m wearing? Why is it so $@% hot? Don’t talk to me. Don’t even look at me.”

Frances Whiting shares her hilarious costume ideas for Halloween.

Pack of school mothers on a night out: Grab a group of your girlfriends, some champagne, some music, fling your handbags down on the footpath intermittently, and dance inappropriately around them. Scream “I love this song” every few seconds.

Mansplainer: For this, you don’t really need a costume, just a rock-solid belief in your own brilliance. Also a willingness to share it. With anyone. At length. With your legs apart.

Doctors/specialist’s receptionist: Wear some sort of power suiting. Gold chains. Big rings. Roll your eyes a lot. Sigh audibly every few seconds. Finally say: “I can’t fit you in until 2058, I’m sorry.” Say it like you do not mean it, because you don’t.

There you are, quite a few gems to choose from, I think you’ll agree.

Happy Halloween, everyone. Let’s give the kids a night off from reality.