Mel Buttle: The gifts I wish Mum didn’t give me

Mum goes into a bit of a frenzy in January, like she’s selling rugs or something. She starts offering me things I have no interest in taking home or eating.

“IT’S ALL got to be eaten, that watermelon has to go today,” Mum says as I walked past her fridge.

Contrary to how it may sound, we are at her house. She’s not a spruiker at a fruit shop.

“If I cut it up will you have some?” I ask her. “Nope, it’s too sweet I can’t eat it,” Mum replies.

I’m not sure why you’d buy half a large watermelon if you don’t like it. I follow this line of questioning.

Mel Buttle.

“Why did you buy so much, if you don’t like it?” I ask.

“For Christmas Melinda,” she replies, as if that explains things.

Mum goes into a bit of a frenzy in January, like she’s selling rugs or something. “That ham needs to go,
I can’t stand the waste, please eat it,” she says with her head in the fridge, offering me things I have no interest in taking home or eating. “You need cream cheese?” she asks. I haven’t eaten dairy since this time last year, so I just stare blankly at her on that one. “Semi-dried tomatoes, you can do something with them, surely?” Mum pushes again.

Like a reluctant buyer I cave in.

“I guess I could put them in a pasta,” I reply.

She starts loading up a shopping bag, “chicken stock, you’ll always use that,” she mutters, filling up a bag with items even Steptoe and Son would throw out.

Half-empty bottles of soft drink, lychees and knobs of ginger all go into my bag.

I wonder if other people’s parents do this.

Mum can’t use the food up, so I get it, but I can’t use it either as I don’t have a secret family of four at home.

I remember her mum, my nana, used to do it too.

Before we could leave my nana’s house in Bankstown after Christmas to drive home to Brisbane, we’d be offered tomatoes, towels, old buckets and spare pegs.

Even though I was young I still remember my parents reluctantly accepting this stuff and then whingeing until at least Muswellbrook about what they were going to do with the threadbare towels and excess pegs.

I suppose one day that’ll be me too, however for now I’ll stick to putting my old stuff on the footpath and hoping it’s hard rubbish week soon.

Mel Buttle is a Brisbane comedian

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See Mel from February 25 to March 1 at the Brisbane Comedy Festival