Mel Buttle: The etiquette guide to tradies in your house

What do you do when a tradie is in your house? Offer a coffee? Hover while they work and make small talk? It’s taken Mel Buttle a while to work it out.

I’m new to having tradies come by to do work, and I’m out of my depth with what to do when they’re onsite. I’ve had a guy put a screen door on who was at my place for quite some time, he was a chatty sort of a bloke who also sang to himself. Wayne was his name. Is it rude to just leave them be or should I hover in case they have a question?

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While Wayne was drilling I split the difference and hung out in the living room, close enough if needed, but not too in his face either. I always offer a coffee or a water but I’ve never had one take me up. Are they just there to work and shouldn’t be offered anything?

As I sat while Wayne did the door, I was torn, he seemed up for a chat but I didn’t know how long a screen door install was, so I was hesitant to engage too deeply. Yes, I might like to talk to a mental health professional I know.

Comedian and columnist Mel Buttle. Picture: Mark Cranitch

Dave was next, he fixed my kitchen tap, he was only there for a very short time so I didn’t offer him anything. Do I now have a black mark next to my name in his Rolodex?

I feel a weird tension when a tradie is working, guilty that I’m lost in a Netflix crime documentary while Dave’s on his back under my kitchen sink with his face next to my vegetable scrap bin. Also, I think I say thank you too many times. Dave stopped my tap from wobbling and I reacted like I’d been inducted into a music hall of fame. “Thank you so much, that’s amazing, how wonderful,” I prattled as he packed up.

Eventually I cracked it though, what tradies want is not a coffee, it’s to be paid in cash on the day. It took me a few goes to work this out, sorry to my guinea pigs Wayne and Dave. Future tradies, you’re in safe hands.