Matt Golinski on life after Boxing Day house fire tragedy

Chef Matt Golinski lost his wife and three daughters in a house fire on Boxing Day 2011. In his own raw words, this is how he found life after tragedy.

Matt Golinski, 49, lost his wife, Rachael, and three daughters, twins Sage and Willow, 12, and Starlia, 10, in a house fire on Boxing Day, 2011 on the Sunshine Coast.

Matt suffered burns to 40 per cent of his body while trying to save his family.

He was in a coma for eight weeks and endured 24 operations. Matt has since married Erin. They have a daughter, Aluna.

This is Matt Golinski’s story from a new book on life after tragedy called Life After by Evonne Madden.

Matt Golinski with daughter Starlia.

The memories of that day, they’re the worst part. That helplessness of being in that situation — as the dad, as their hero — and not being able to do anything, not being able to save anyone. It’s a recurring nightmare I go through in my head every single day.

It is very vivid in my memory; it will never leave. I’ve never had sleep nightmares, but it’s a waking nightmare, for sure.

Obviously, there are a lot of things that you think about. Birthdays pass and you imagine what they would be like at 16 or 17, or that they’d be getting their licences, that sort of thing.

But I don’t dwell on that sort of stuff. When Rachael and I had our girls, I thought that as a parent I would worry most about them growing up and leaving home.

Now, I’d give anything to see them leave home and grow.

People expect me to still be not coping, or still be not dealing with it. People ask me all the time ‘How are you?’ I’m fine, thanks. I can’t dwell on it and it doesn’t help at all to sit around going ‘Oh poor me, it was really bad, this happened to me.’

There’s nothing positive or moving forward about that. I just don’t go there.

More than anything, people were probably very surprised at how quickly I did manage to get my act together and move on from such a big tragedy.

Matt Golinski and his twin daughters Willow and Sage.

I can’t really explain that myself, to be honest. I don’t understand it either.

I guess what I put it down to is that everyone has their own way of grieving and their own capacity to cope with grief, and mine is what it is.

No two people are the same when it comes to grieving.

The big thing for me, on top of the loss, was that I was quite badly injured and I had rehab every day for about 12 months.

I was locked into that. It was kind of like, ‘Okay, there’s nothing I can do about this, I’ve just got to do what everyone tells me to do … take my pills, do the physio, do the occupational therapy.’

That all might have been a good thing because it gave me a focus. I think once I’d overcome the physical stuff, I was able to go, ‘Righto, now it’s time to power on.’

Getting through the physical side of things kept me busy and gave me a chance to process what happened.

In those first couple of weeks, I guess I did think, ‘Why on Earth would the doctors save me?’

I was in such a horrible state, physically. I’d heard all the stories about how many operations I’d had and how I’d nearly died so many times from heart failure or liver failure or kidney failure, all the different systems breaking down at different times and them having to revive me. I thought, ‘Well, why did you bother, really?’

Matt Golinski. Picture: Lachie Millard

But that soon passed once I realised how many people were out there loving me and looking after me. I started hearing about what everyone was doing out in the community, and how many people were behind me.

Well, that’s a good reason why they kept me alive. I’m pretty glad that people love me so much. It was at that point where I felt it would be ungrateful to not carry through with it and not be strong.

I think I have accepted what has happened. I don’t blame myself for anything and I don’t hold onto it. I had to reach a point — and I think probably most people who go through this sort of thing do — where you realise that bad stuff happens all the time.

It happens every day, all around the world. And you can just be in that place. That’s just what’s happened to you.

You can’t take it personally. It’s not like the world is attacking you or you’re being punished. The sooner you realise that and accept that, the better.

People have been very respectful of me and my space. I’ve always said I don’t really want to talk about it.

Matt Golinski.

My grief is my own, and I own it, and it’s up to me to get myself through it. I don’t really want to sit around talking to everybody about it.

Good memories are a really big focus of mine. I lost my family and I also lost everything in my house, which means I lost all those physical memories of them, too.

But I’ve got all the mental memories of them up top, and that’s the most valuable thing to me. I’ve got little bits and pieces that are dear to me, that I still hold onto and I love looking at, but the most important things to me are those memories.

Something my dad and I often talked about was that idea that what if you were told, ‘Okay, you can have a family but they are all going to die in 12 years’ time.’

Would you not have them, or would you have them and accept that you’ve got 12 years of really awesome memories and an influence on you that has changed you and turned you into the person that you are now?

I am so grateful I got those 12 years.

This an extract from Life After by Evonne Madden, out now with Affirm Press.