I've been married for 17 years but I'm keeping a terrible secret

Should she tell the truth? Or continue holding onto this unusual betrayal...?

For some, marriage is about a lifelong commitment based on love and mutual support. 

However, for others, like the anonymous woman who reached out to advice columnist Dear Abby, it feels more like a cage, and you’re unsure of how to get out. 

Initially, the woman said was happy in her marriage, but over the span of 17 years, she and her husband grew apart, mostly due to their frequent arguments. 

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"Very intimidating"

She described her husband as "intense, intelligent, and very intimidating" — traits that have led her to consistently 'lose' in these disagreements and have also led her to develop a fear of him.

To escape him, at least temporarily, she took a drastic step.

"I have rented an apartment in another town and have lied to him about trips to see my sister, my daughter, and my mother just so I can feel some peace, read a book, knit, and just... be," she confessed.

"I feel so much better when I'm away from him, but I'm terrified about how he'll react when I say I want to leave for good. I know that when I do gather the courage, I'll likely lose everything we have together. Please advise me," the OP added.

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Dear Abby’s response was clear - no one should stay in a relationship like this, and she shouldn’t wait any longer to get out.

She also urged her to seek immediate legal consultation: "The time to talk to an attorney is now, well in advance of taking any action. Doing so will help you determine exactly what kind of financial hit you may suffer if you follow through with your plan to leave."

She then advised her to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help if she is in fear of her husband. 

Image: IStock

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"You already know what you need to do"

In the comments, people’s responses backed up Abby’s. 

"You already know what you need to do. Subconsciously, you knew that when you got your apartment," one person said. 

"The time to leave is now. Get an attorney, get a restraining order, and then leave," another urged. "Don't tell him you're going to leave. He hasn't earned the right for a notice. It's not safe for you to tell him to his face. Let your attorney read the riot act to him. Your attorney should be firm and forceful. If you need to hire a security guard, do it.

"Above all, feel absolutely no guilt in doing so. You didn't do anything to your husband. He did this to himself."

And a third pointed out, "When Abby doesn't recommend marriage counselling, that's a sure sign the party's over. Leave and find some happiness."

Originally published as I've been married for 17 years but I'm keeping a terrible secret