I was upset he’d led me on, but I was furious he’d led my kids on

"I dodged a bullet and took comfort from that," a Sydney mum writes.

As a child of divorce, I experienced first-hand the comings and goings of my parent’s partners.

My mum re-married happily after the separation, while my father had an endless stream of girlfriends; some lovely, some truly horrible.

These women came and went from my life. I wasn’t privy to the complexities of each relationship so without any warning they’d just be gone, suddenly.

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"It felt comfortable and safe"

When I separated from my children’s father, I knew these experiences would help guide me in navigating who I brought into their lives. I knew that I needed to give them consistency and stability, to develop healthy attachments and a sense of security.

I’d been separated for four years when Joe* asked me out. Our daughters were in kindergarten together and there was a familiarity that felt comfortable and safe.

The relationship moved quickly; having both navigated separations, I felt our maturity gave us certainty about what our families needed in this new partnership. We communicated openly about our feelings and Joe was very upfront about wanting to have another baby with me. I tempered these discussions, reminding him that our kids would need to adjust to a blended family before any additional children were brought into the picture.

With him urging us forward we discussed how to approach the next stage, understanding what it would mean for us all. We spoke and planned the merging of our families, aware of the need for careful consideration in timing and tone of the introduction.

One night I posed a theoretical question to my kids; “If Mummy had a boyfriend, what kind of person would you like him to be?” 

Image: Supplied

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"I always made it a choice"

This brought them into the conversation and included in the decision. This person would be in their lives too so I felt that they should have some agency in the matter.

I waited a few weeks before excitedly announcing that I had met someone who I thought fit their brief!

Speaking on the phone was the first step, my kids getting familiar with his voice, his daughter with mine. My kids were excited to meet Joe and the first meeting was a great success. When the time came for an overnight stay, I asked them, “Do you want Joe to stay-over one night?” I always made it a choice for them.

We had decided to stagger the introductions so that I would meet his daughter a month later.

Joe delayed the introduction, a few times, and then I started to feel incredibly vulnerable. As we’d discussed and agreed, I had already brought my children into the relationship. I was uncomfortable with the imbalance but Joe reassured me that I just needed to be patient. “I’m in. But if we want to take it to the next stage then I’m going to need you to accept that it will take more time than we originally thought.”

I understood and I trusted him.

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"This shift didn't make any sense"

Joe ended the relationship in what can best be described as a ‘hit-and-run’. In a vague and rushed *phone* conversation, he muttered something along the lines of “I think I need some time on my own”. It was hard to hear with my kids jumping on the couch and ABC kids blaring in the background.

“I have to go” I said, “I need to give the kids dinner.”

Just two nights prior we had gone out and talked about our plans for the future. He told me that he’d never been happier and that I was everything that he’d been wanting in a partner.

This sudden and dramatic shift didn’t make any sense.

Days went by and I heard nothing from Joe. A fully grown adult had ghosted me. I felt hurt and confused. I was upset that he’d led me on, but I was furious that he’d led my kids on.

When you’re a parent, you don’t have time or space to fall in a heap, you don’t have time for heartbreak.

After some helpful conversations with “other women” I got the truth I needed. Joe’s pattern of toxic behaviour had nothing to do with me, I had dodged a bullet and took comfort in that.

As a parent we set the key example for our kids about how we treat people and how we let people treat us. 

So when they asked me why Joe hadn’t come over as promised, I explained to them that Joe wasn’t honest or kind and that those are non-negotiables in any relationship. It’s no longer just me who I have to hold the standard for, it’s them.

I might not have been able to give them an example of what a healthy relationship looks like (yet) but I’ll never let them see me in an unhealthy one.

*Names have been changed.

Originally published as I was upset he’d led me on, but I was furious he’d led my kids on