'He doesn't deserve it': I'm cancelling my 8-year-old's birthday party

An Aussie mum needs advice after an incident at school - but now she wonders if the punishment is too harsh. 

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Advice Needed

Recently, the school informed us that our son had pulled another kid's pants and underwear down.

We were unhappy with this incident, so we explained how it was wrong and gave an appropriate punishment by taking electronics away. This morning, I got a call from his principal telling me how he attacked a kindergartner at recess before school started and was pushing him down to the ground and spanking him.

The child is traumatised. I am absolutely beside myself. Of course, many punishments will come his way, including apology letters. We will be taking away all electronics and no play dates. I am also looking into therapy for him.

This is a big deal, so should I cancel his birthday party?

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Jordana's Advice 

This is an awful situation to be in. No parent wants to hear their child has caused harm to another child. Actions do have consequences. That's something we teach our kids from such an early age. 

Given the two incidents, I would say a deeper issue needs to be addressed. Kids don't just wake up one morning and decide to hurt others. That's the biggest priority, and a party can wait. It's not a necessity right now. Your son is! 

It's so vital that you find out where he has learned these behaviours. If they aren't happening in the home, he has witnessed them elsewhere, which is the biggest red flag.

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Think about the level of punishment before you give it to him. As parents, we often have a knee-jerk reaction when our children do something (big or small) that takes us by surprise, and we think we need to lock down everything and take everything and anything away before talking to our kids. 

If the wait isn't too long, I would suggest sitting down with your son and possibly with your therapist to work out what is going on and an appropriate punishment and action plan. Making him part of the decision will also ensure he understands how actions have consequences next time. 

One mother wants to cancel her son's party as part of his punishment. Source: iStock

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He needs to know he's loved

There is no doubt there will be consequences from the school, so be mindful not to create a pile-on effect—he's still young, and people make silly choices until they're in their twenties (and sometimes beyond!)

Rather than cancelling his party -perhaps postpone it? 

Given this happened at school, there is also a chance that the kids at school wouldn't feel comfortable attending his party - given that the incident and party are so close together, timing-wise. His confidence would already be suffering, so it would be an awful compound effect if that were to happen. 

He still needs to know he’s loved and celebrated. 

You can still celebrate his actual birthday and tell your son that you will put aside this incident for the evening while you all go out for a small family party.

When we look back on our childhood memories, it's possible that this incident won't stay with him, but he will likely remember that he didn't have an eighth birthday party. 

I hope you can quickly resolve the issue and that you and your family can move forward with his birthday celebrations. 

Originally published as 'He doesn't deserve it': I'm cancelling my 8-year-old's birthday party