ADVICE NEEDED: My 9yo was given a pill to 'help' her by a dad at a sleepover

"This man just casually admitted to drugging my child," the distraught mum says. Kidspot's Jordana responds to her dilemma.

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Advice Needed

A parent explained their dilemma:

My nine-year-old daughter had a sleepover at her good friend's home. My husband had been there with all our kids for a party, and she was invited to stay the night.

We had a policy of avoiding sleepovers because of some events from my own childhood, but as it happened, our water main burst, and we needed to spend the night elsewhere. So I tried to shrug off my fears as there weren’t any red flags. He is a divorced dad with 50/50 custody and has his daughter every other week. His daughter seems very well-adjusted, a great kid and has a friendship we like to encourage.

It seemed to go well; they spent most of the day after together, and then we invited them over for dinner. While chatting and cleaning up, he mentioned that my daughter had trouble sleeping as his daughter fell asleep quickly. He said that first he tried to bore her and chat with her for a while, and then he gave her chamomile tea and melatonin.

I was stunned at that; we don’t give melatonin to our kids and have been advised not to by doctors.

I’m panicking a little: I realise this is my own historic trauma hitting but my first reaction was to go cold and dissociate, my mind was racing with “This man just openly and casually admitted to drugging my kid,” “What have I done,” “How deeply do you sleep when you’re given this,” “Did he abuse her,” “ow do I deal with this,” “Should I take her to a doctor for an exam,” “Would she even have woken up.”

So now I’m having a panic attack. I don’t know up from down at the moment what a normal reaction is or the right response. I don’t want to ignore something like this and fail my kid like I was failed. But I recognise it’s possible I’m being paranoid and having a PTSD response.

For medical advice see The Raising Children's Network and/or your doctor.

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RELATED: My teen’s going to a mixed sleepover; I’m suspicious

Jordana's Advice

Firstly, you have not failed your daughter in any shape or form!

I give my son melatonin. He has trouble falling asleep, and it helps him fall asleep during the school week. It was recommended by our GP.

Now that said, I am his mum, and I decided on that with my husband and family practitioner. Here, there is a total lack of consent and breach of trust.

You have a right to be upset he gave your daughter melatonin. The father should have called you to discuss this - he doesn't know your child's medical history. When your child is in someone else's care, you assume that outside of giving food and sustenance they need to call you first to get the OK.

Then there is a deeper issue for you that has been triggered by this event. While I am only making assumptions based on your words, it seems as though there was an instance of abuse that happened at a sleepover - which you carry with you.

I'm so sorry you had that experience; naturally want to avoid repeating history with your own children. 

Image: iStock

RELATED: My girl was invited to a party, but not the sleepover

Your permission matters

Because you value the girls' relationship, I recommend reaching out to say, "Hey, thanks for trying to help her but please contact me before you give any kinds of medications, just in case there may be a reason why she shouldn't be taking them."

In saying that, if you feel that your past trauma might cause you distress in talking to the father in question, maybe have your husband do it.

To give the dad the benefit of the doubt, he has probably given his kids melatonin and didn't realise the weight this would carry given your history; or how children can differ.

I also suggest speaking with your doctor just to ask questions about kids having melatonin in general; so you can be informed, and also hopefully reassured about this specific incident. 

Lastly, take this as an opportunity to talk to your daughter about taking medications in your absence;  and an opportunity to perhaps address your past in some way for your own healing if you need to.

For medical advice see The Raising Children's Network and/or your doctor.

Originally published as ADVICE NEEDED: My 9yo was given a pill to 'help' her by a dad at a sleepover