Experts say you shouldn't make any major life decisions before 30

Skip the regrets 

As a 30-something bystander to my friends’ weddings, childbirths and divorces, I urge all you 20-somethings to “please, please slow the heck down”. 

As a 35-year-old single woman who escaped her small city bubble for a life of travel and an inability to live in the same place for too long, I feel that I’m expertly placed to judge the decision-making process of those around me who settled down in their 20s. 

Because each time I return home to my slow, sleepy suburb, someone else who said ‘I do’ or birthed a baby a mere few years out of high school will tell me how deeply unhappy they are. 

“If I could afford to leave him I would,” my childhood best friend said to me last Christmas. I’d been maid of honour at her wedding when we were 23 and since then she’d gone on to have two children, while I moved cities, countries and continents more times than I could count. 

My heart broke when she confided in me last year, and I struggled to know what to say. This is a girl who’d daydreamed with me when we were kids about moving to Europe and chasing adventures. A year on and she’s now pregnant with a third.  

Why is everyone rushing?

Since I was young, I was always the first of my friends to do things. Have my first kiss, get a boyfriend, pass my driving test, finish uni, get a real job, and move to a new city. So when I didn’t get married and have babies by 30, I shocked even myself. 

Instead, I left Australia, lived overseas, travelled the world and had the greatest, most life-changing experiences that I wouldn’t swap for anything. And even though I’m still single and get lonely from time to time, I don’t regret a thing, and I am so grateful that I didn’t marry the boyfriend I had at 25, buy a property back home, and push out two kids.

Because that’s not what I want anymore, and now I get to live a life for me, with no moody hubby in sight. So I can’t help but wonder, why did all my friends hurry up to settle down? 

“It’s quite a common occurrence that many people feel like they have to rush to make really big, life changing decisions, and sometimes in the rushing or in the pressure that they put on themselves to make those decisions by a certain timeline or by a certain age, they end up, in hindsight, making what was not the best decision for them, and it can sometimes lead to outcomes that they didn't actually want, or the kinds of outcomes that they were trying to avoid In the first instance,” mindset coach Lara Nercessian tells Body+Soul.  

Of course, it’s not the case for everyone. Sometimes making decisions early pays off and you do get your happily ever after. But .. “I think that more and more, it's becoming more of a commonality that we're seeing people make big life decisions early on, and then realising in five, 10, 15 or 20 years’ time that it's not actually the thing that they want,” explains Nercessian. 

Are old-timey societal expectations and pressure influencing your life choices? Image: iStock

What’s wrong with your 20s? 

Old-timey societal expectations and pressure for one thing. “Even though we've become more accepting of different ways of life and different decisions, I think that there is still societal pressure in terms of following a certain scripted path and what success in someone's life looks like,” the mindset expert explains. 

“That usually follows the narrative of going to school, getting good grades, going to university, landing a well-paid job, finding a partner, getting married and living in the house with the white picket fence and living happily ever after. 

“That narrative is something we see play out everywhere. It's still something that we see in movies. It's something that is conditioned in us from such a young age, if we think about children's storybooks where it's always that happily ever after that I think a lot of people are seeking.”

What doesn’t follow “once upon a time” is what happens after the wedding. “I think people look at that kind of life event as a means to an end, when actually it’s a decision that really does have an impact on the quality and the experience of your life,” Nercessian says. “And particularly if we look at something like partners, who we choose to marry is really one of the greatest decisions that we make in our life that impacts and influences who we become. 

“So it's a decision that's not to be made lightly, but because people do get caught up in the fantasy of what they think getting married and starting a family means, it means they're putting that time pressure on themselves to have to do it by a certain age.” 

What comes after 'happily ever after'? Image: Pexels

What’s right about your 30s? 

By the next decade, it’s highly likely that you’ll have changed, whether that’s a haircut or career or what you want in your life. And it’s got more to do with science than you’d think.  

“Brain development is usually not complete until around the age of 25, while the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that impacts decision making, logical thinking and personality development, doesn’t have nearly the functional capacity at 18 as it does at 25,” the mindset coach says. 

“So if we look at the biological research and data in itself, a lot of our personality and cognitive development don’t actually complete until our mid-20s, so by 30 there can be quite a significant shift in terms of what drives a person and what a person's preferences are.”

Then there’s all the life experiences that you have in your 20s that can change who you are, even your values and what they stand for. “What tends to happen is that a lot of people will get to their early 20s and they think they know what they want out of life, but it’s more likely that what they want out of life is going to change, evolve, adapt, and be refined over time as they grow and evolve and change as adults and human beings,” explains Nercessian. “So as we change, it's likely that what we want will also change as a result of that change.”

All the life experiences that you have in your 20s can change who you are, even your values and what they stand for.

Advice for a happy life 

#1. Take your time when it comes to marriage

“If you’re rushing into making a decision, really try to understand what's the reason behind the time crunch, and why you feel like there's a pressure to have to make that decision,” says the mindset coach. ”Because if this person is going to be the person that you choose to spend the rest of your life with, what is another five years to wait to get married to that person if you’re already happy and love and see being with each other.”

#2. Have your own adventures 

“You've got your whole lifetime ahead of you to get married and to start a family and to really commit at that level,” Nercessian says. “So why not enjoy the season of your life when maybe you don't have those same responsibilities and pressures that come with maybe marriage? Why not wait and start that season of your life together when it feels more aligned for you, and maybe once you've both had your own unique experiences and you've each gone through things. 

“I think there's something to be said about allowing some time and space and opportunities to be on your own, whether that's travelling on your own, or creating other kinds of experiences, and really getting to understand who you are at a fundamental human level. And if you grow and evolve in alignment with that person, then you'll be fine, you'll find your way back to each other, and you'll be able to reestablish and take your relationship further.” 

Get away from other people’s expectations Image: Pexels

#3. Get away from other people’s expectations 

“Really focus on your own growth and evolution, and understand what you want outside of what other people's expectations are, whether that is a partner, family, friends,” the mindset coach says. “It's really starting to understand who you are without needing the validation or opinions of other people.

“People under 25 are more susceptible to pressure from other people as well. They're more susceptible to peer pressure. They're more susceptible to family pressure. So really take that time and space to understand who you are, aside from the expectations and pressure from family, friends, and society.” 

#4. Lean into the universe 

“Really trust the timing of your life, because your life it's a marathon,” says Nercessian. “This isn't a sprint to the aisle. This isn’t a sprint to be the first one to get married or the first one to have a child or the first one to land their dream job. It's really trusting that everyone has got their own unique timeline, and that looks different for different people. 

“It's really not comparing your timing to someone else's timing, and learning to trust your own seasons of life and that it isn’t a marathon. You've got years ahead of you, especially in your 20s, to live and experience and really work out who you are. So trusting that it's not a comparison, and it's certainly not a race.”

Originally published as Experts say you shouldn't make any major life decisions before 30