Is your dating life giving you 'experiangst?' here’s how to fix it

Break the cycle before it breaks you

Have you ever felt that gnawing sense of disappointment when a date falls short of the fantasy you built up in your head? That’s experiangst – the emotional hangover from unmet expectations.

We’ve all been there. You’ve been non-stop texting someone for about a week; the banter is top-tier, and they are saved in your phone as “Name_horse emoji.” And then… You meet them.

Cue the disappointment. The jokes don’t land in person, their voice is off, and your horse emoji origin story feels more forced than funny. Now you’re eyeing the exit, wondering how long you must stick around. Welcome to the world of ‘experiangst.’

What is ‘experiangst?

’Experiangst is that sinking cocktail of anxiety, regret, and dissatisfaction when an experience doesn’t live up to the hype you built in your head. And let's be real, dating is a breeding ground for it.

Experiangst is also linked to spending money on something big, only to feel regret afterwards. But in dating, the currency isn’t cash; it’s emotional and mental energy. Instead of buyer’s remorse, it’s dating remorse.

Experiangst can creep in before, during, or after the date. It can start beforehand when the excitement of meeting someone new turns into anxiety as you try to make everything perfect. Or during the date, when you realise the sunset rooftop scenario you envisioned has turned into you squinting across the table and shouting over overpriced cocktails.

Like regretting splurging on an event or concert you didn’t fully enjoy, you’re left wondering, “Could I have spent my time better?”

Often we put a lot of unnecessary pressure on a first date. Image: Pexels

Why we set ourselves up for experiangst

Simple: we’re masters at building up expectations. We create a mental fantasy of what a date could be, and when reality doesn’t match, we get disappointed.

By the time you meet them, they’ve already failed the impossible standards you’ve unconsciously set. And thanks to social media and dating apps, every outing starts to feel like it needs to be “for the plot” or at least group chat-worthy.

But it’s not the date’s fault – it’s your brain. You’ve invested so much emotional energy into the fantasy that reality doesn’t stand a chance.

You’ve invested so much emotional energy into the fantasy that reality doesn’t stand a chance. Image: Pexels

The real cost of experiangst

If you keep setting yourself up for experiangst, you’re bound to burn out. Every date becomes a balancing act between trying to enjoy yourself and fighting off the creeping realisation that this isn’t the magical moment you’d hoped for.

The “cost” isn’t just disappointment; it’s the emotional energy you lose. You might start writing people off too quickly, bailing after one “meh” date because they didn’t deliver the sparks. Soon, you’ll hesitate to even try, afraid of wasting your energy again.

How to break the experiangst cycle

Let’s get down to the fix. Dating is about connection, not perfection. Here are five ways to stop falling into the experiangst trap:

#1. Clarify your emotional “currency”

In dating, your emotional energy, time, and mental investment are currency. Before the date, ask yourself: How much am I “spending” on the hype? Keep your investment reasonable, and don’t pour everything into building impossible expectations.

Dating is about connection, not perfection. Image: Pexels

#2. Kill your fantasy early

Texting is not real life (I wish it were). Stop treating texting and emoji chemistry like a preview of the date. Lower the stakes from “This could be perfect” to “Let’s see if we click.”

#3. Plan low-key, high-value dates

Keep it simple. Coffee, a walk, or a wine bar where you can actually talk. You’ll cut down on the pressure and y ou’ll figure out way faster if there’s a real connection – or if you’re just swiping right on their screen sarcasm.

#4. Adopt a “give first” mentality

Instead of asking, “What can I get out of this experience?”, flip the script. Focus on what you can offer. Be genuinely curious about them, and you’ll remove the pressure from yourself and the date. Don’t focus on keeping score but building rapport.

#5. Stop chasing perfect

Don’t aim for perfection; aim for curiosity. Ask yourself, “Did I feel comfortable? Did I laugh at least once? Do I want to learn more about them?” That’s the win. Focus on real, human connection.

Let go of control

The more you try to control your dates, the worse they’ll feel when things inevitably go sideways. Let go of your need to script every detail, and embrace the unpredictability. 

Experiangst thrives on the false belief that every date or experience needs to be profound or perfect. But in reality, dating is about meeting people, having experiences, and learning about yourself. The sooner you stop chasing a flawless outcome, the sooner you’ll start enjoying the ride.

Originally published as Is your dating life giving you 'experiangst?' here’s how to fix it