All the relationship green flags from Netflix's Nobody Wants This

Hot Rabbi gets the big tick from this couples therapist

The internet’s got a new boyfriend and his name is Adam Brody 2.0. Now an actual psychologist has labelled the star of Netflix’s latest romcom a walking green flag. 

More than 20 years after Adam Brody stormed our screens in The OC as the comic book obsessed Seth Cohen, the 44-year-old American actor is back and better than ever in Nobody Wants This. Long gone are the toxic memories of his on-screen romances with the show’s Summer Roberts and Anna Stern, and in their place is Joanne – who could literally be all of us. 

In the same way 2023’s Barbie spoke for entire generations of women who were sick and tired of trying to be everything to everyone (cue America Ferrera’s “It is literally impossible to be a woman” speech), Kristen Bell gave us all a voice as the female lead of the Netflix hit when she revealed her vulnerability and what we’re all really thinking. 

“Here’s the truth… sometimes I do weird shit and I can be impulsive and obsessive,” Joanne, a sex and dating podcast host, says to Brody’s Noah, a Rabbi, in episode four. “And my biggest fear is a bad facelift, but I think I’m realising an even bigger fear. It is this. That I will become emotionally dependent on a guy who will one day realise that I'm too much and break my heart.”

With those three words, Bell epitomises millions of women around the world who all hold the same deep-seated fear. That they’re too much for one person to handle. 

But instead of running for the hills or ghosting, Brody replies: “I want this. I want all of this.”

You’re not too much 

“We think we’re difficult and that we’re asking for too much, but a partner who loves you can and will meet that expectation simply because they love you and care about you,” clinical psychologist and couples therapist Phoebe Rogers tells Body+Soul. 

She’s already binge watched the new show (and is eyeing up another screening), and says Joanne is very relatable. “There are things that she just says that my clients say to me all the time, like, ‘I’m too needy, I’m too emotional, I’m too much, what if someone sees this side of me and they realise I’m not so independent and together, and no one’s ever going to be able to put up with me’. 

“But women need to learn that they can be all of those things. They don't have to be together. And for the right partner, they'll be okay with it.” Just like Noah is. 

Reminder, you're not too much. Image: Netflix

“We don’t see a lot of healthy male characters who are really in touch with their emotions and can really clearly express who they are, how they're feeling inside, what they need or what they expect,” Rogers explains. “But Noah is very solid in himself. He's not thrown off by any of Joanne’s anxiety or insecurities. He doesn't let her push him away. And he’s like this secure attachment figure which is what we all need to heal and what we all need to be.”

In a world of cat and mouse, where everyone’s playing games and they’re too scared to say how they really feel, the psychologist says Noah, aka Hot Rabbi, is “kind of an ideal”. 

“I think it’s this really nice template and model of how we could strive to be actually,” explains Rogers, who’s also a dating & relationship coach for women. “And how we can learn to trust that it is ok to be ourselves and vulnerable.” 

So when it comes to your next prospective date, what lessons can we take from this mould-breaking show, and what are the green flags to look out for? 

Adam Brody is a walking green flag. Image: Netflix

#1. Initiates and plans dates

Since the start, Noah’s keen to see where things with Joanne are going to go and puts in effort. Even when she isn’t sure. “Have dinner with me tonight? Can clear everything up.” he texts her after she discovers that he was engaged. “One dinner. As friends.”

“He kind of understands that they’re going to have to have these milestones together and blend their lives together and be really open about how that's going to work and how that will look,” the psychologist says.  

#2. Physically affectionate

If there’s anything I’d like you to take from this article it is this: Adam Brody and Kristen Bell created the greatest first kiss of all time. 

Don’t believe me? Please go watch (or rewatch) it for yourselves in episode two and tell me that you’re not swept away by the undeniably romantic smooch on the side of the street. 

We love him for just showing up. Image: Netflix

#3. Priorities the relationship

“From the beginning, he’s in touch, he’s coming around to her place,” Rogers points out. “It’s like, not just that I'm thinking of you and it's not just words, but it's the actions. 

“And I think this is where women can make the mistake. Like they go for someone's words and people can talk, right, and say this or that but not actually do it. And there’s lots of little moments where Joanne might push back or pull away or kind of doubt it, but she just can't because Noah's there actually. And he’s totally prioritising her.” 

#4. Emotionally open 

Noah and Joanne have barely begun their situationship when the Rabbi confesses his intentions halfway through their first date. 

“I’m gonna lay it all out there,” he tells her in his kitchen. “I don't want this to be a rebound. I want it to be something real. And maybe that’s lame to say, but I guess I’m okay with that. I’m not just looking for something fun. And if you are, that’s totally cool. You don’t owe me anything. I would just like to know.”

From the get go, Noah’s crystal clear on where he’s at and can openly talk about his emotions, what he wants and where he wants the relationship to go. 

“He’s like straight away, ‘This is what I want, I’m not here to play games, like I actually really like you’,” Rogers says. “He sets it up from the beginning, like as soon as they’re dating. And he clarifies his history and even though he’s just broken up with someone, he’s really clear and deliberate.” 

"I want this. I want all of this." Image: Netflix

#5. Accountable 

By episode five, Joanne and Noah are well into the love bubble when they plan a weekend away. But at the last minute the Rabbi is called into work. 

“He broke plans with her, right?” Rogers explains. “But he was apologetic and made an alternate plan, and he picked up very quickly how she felt about it. And his ownership part was really beautiful.”

Apologising, owning the mistake and following through with promises are all big green ticks in the psychologist's book, as well as staying consistent.   

#6. Listens actively

For the neurotic in me, it’s while Joanne and Noah are chatting about their original plans to go away together that the Rabbi raises his big green flag. 

“Did you call the hotel to make sure there would be two bathrobes in the room?” she asks him. “Sometimes they only put one. I wanna match with you on our first time away together.”

“I did,” Noah replies, without missing a beat. “You’ve mentioned several times how important it is to you. There will be two.” *SOON* 

It was a teeny tiny moment that not only made me – a massive “I’m too much” girl – feel seen, but what we saw was one of the sweetest acts of understanding. He didn’t make fun of her, but listened and supported her. 

Brody has come a long way from Seth Cohen. Image: Netflix

#7. Secure sense of self

44-year-old Brody really brings some credibility to the role as the self-reflective Noah.

“He really knows who he is,” the couples therapist says. “He knows maybe how he's been unclear in the past so now he's just really open. And he’s really comfortable in his own skin. Like he’s really okay that he's a nerd and he embraces that which is lovely.” 

While Joanne sees his sports coat as an ick in episode six, “Noah knows he’s trying too hard, but he just owns it and accepts it, and I think that is really beautiful,” Rogers explains. “He remains solid in who he is. He’s not changing himself and he’s not giving away his identity for her.” 

#8. Boundaries

With a very recent ex, a very traditional family and a career that hinges on Noah’s lifestyle choices, the Rabbi’s got a lot on his plate but he knows when to put up boundaries.  

“Like he says, I'm communicating with my ex and I have to in a reasonable way and I have to keep these relationships with my family, even if you don't like them, this is what it is, but we are just going to have to talk it through’,” Rogers explains. 

And even when Joanne discovers a box full of his ex’s things. “Noah’s really clear, like, ‘This is why I have the box, it’s hard to give away the box, but it doesn’t mean what you think it means’.” 

Joanne is all of us. Image: Netflix

#9. Values and ethics

Ok it helps that he’s a Rabbi but living by strong personal values and ethical principles is important in relationships, says Rogers, and being consistent with that. 

“He has a really strong identity and it's like a really interesting identity in this modern world,” explains the psychologist. “And that comes into the relationship and it shows up in how he holds himself in the world.”

She adds that you want someone who won’t bend and change, but have this solid sense of who they are, what their purpose is in their life, where they’re going, and how they want their life to look. “Which just makes you feel stable and safe.”

The kiss to end all kisses. Image: Netflix

#10. Empathic 

Again, the Rabbi lifestyle gives way to a lot of understanding and care for others. 

“Like he's empathic with the congregation members and wants to give everyone a little bit, but then he's also doing this thing like, ‘No, no, I have to pull myself away, I have to prioritise the relationship’,” says Rogers.

“So I think he's holding empathy for lots of different people, but he's empathic with her insecurity and her past trust issues. He's really validating and then he offers reassurance, and there’s this whole spirit of like, ‘We'll talk it through and we'll work it out together’.” 

#11. Optimistic and realistic about love

A Rabbi and a sex and relationships podcaster start dating sounds like the start of a bad joke. But the plot of Nobody Wants This makes for a fantastic example of the challenges of modern dating. While amid the messy backdrop is Noah’s belief in the potential of their relationship. And that he’s willing to put in the work, as a secure and loving male partner. 

“It’s all there,” says Rogers, “and I’ve told my clients to watch it and I think that's why they love it because it's just this beautiful model of a relationship. It's not perfect and it's this thing of like, how two people can be different people but work through stuff and talk. And that you don't have to lose yourself. And it can work.”

Originally published as All the relationship green flags from Netflix's Nobody Wants This