New study shows declining invites isn't as bad as we think

Decline that dinner guilt-free

Whether you have to turn down an offer because you’ve already got plans or say no to something you just don’t want to attend, declining an invitation can fill us with anxiety and dread. But scientists say it’s all in our heads.

Get ready to feel better about saying “no” to social invites when your social battery runs out – new research shows we’re totally blowing our guilt out of the water. 

According to a new paper published in the Journal of Personality and Society Psychology, the negative ramifications of invitation declines are less severe than we think. 

Researchers explain that turning down a social offer can be hard, “leading invitees to accept invitations when they would rather not” (sound familiar?). And the reason it’s so hard is because invitees are overestimating how saying no comes across in the eyes of inviters. 

“Invitees have exaggerated concerns about how much the decline will anger the inviter, signal that the invitee does not care about the inviter, make the inviter unlikely to offer another invitation in the future, and so forth,” the study says. 

“We also demonstrate that this asymmetry emerges in part because invitees exaggerate the degree to which inviters focus on the decline itself, as opposed to the thoughts running through the invitee’s head before deciding.”

It’s giving main character energy with a side of nobody cares. 

People are more understanding than we think. Image: Pexels

How the study worked

How people interpret others’ actions versus their thoughts was the focus for the researchers. They carried out a series of experiments to discover whether invitees tend to exaggerate how much an inviter will focus on the rejection rather than the thought process behind it. 

In the first, more than 400 participants were asked to imagine declining or receiving a rejection for an invitation from a friend to attend a museum exhibit. The second study had more than 200 couples extend and decline invitations to each other for a social activity, such as dinner or a movie. 

Prioritise your 'me time' and say no to dinner out. Image: Getty

In the third experiment, participants took on the perspective of an invitee, inviter or neutral observer who witnessed the social interaction from an outside perspective. The scenario had one friend inviting another out to dinner and the invitee declining the invite in favour of staying in. Adding the observer in allowed researchers to test whether outside perspectives aligned more with the invitee’s exaggerated concerns or the inviter’s more realistic responses.

For the fourth study, scientists used a similar method to the third but this time they had participants name a real-life friend as the inviter. They also used mediation analysis to look at whether invitees’ exaggerated concerns about saying no were due to their belief that inviters would focus more on the act of declining rather than the deliberations leading to the decision. 

In the fifth study, participants got to play the role of the invitee and the inviter, allowing the researchers to test whether experiencing the inviter role first would lead invitees to adjust their predictions and better understand how inviters actually feel about receiving a rejection. 

Can't make brunch because you need a sleep in? We hear you. Image: Pexels

The results

Across all five studies, invitees consistently and significantly overestimated how negatively the inviter would react to their decline. They tended to assume that the person who invited them would be more disappointed, hurt or angry than the inviter actually was, and that them saying no had the potential to harm their relationship.

In actual fact, inviters reported that they were more understanding of the situation and often considered the invitee’s reasons for turning them down. 

So next time you need to say no to an invite, whether it be to a dinner party, a casual hang out or even a wedding, don’t feel so bad about saying no. Because it's more likely that your friend will understand, and be empathetic about why you can’t attend. 

Originally published as New study shows declining invites isn't as bad as we think