Are you an extrovert? Experts say your perfect partner isn't

Do opposites really attract?

When it comes to picking a partner, we can fall into the habit of looking for someone just like us. But maybe we’re doing it all wrong?

I was dissecting my latest dating dilemma when I pondered aloud whether a wild extrovert like me should be with my duller date.

“We’re just so different,” I told my neighbours. “I just don’t think it’s going to work.”

“It does for us,” my friend replied, before explaining how his extrovertedness brings his more introverted girlfriend out of her shell, while her quiet nature keeps him calm and brings him peace. 

Which left me wondering whether the age-old adage was actually true: do opposites attract? And are they meant to be together? 

‘There are real benefits’

Questioning my entire relationship history, I went straight to Beck Thompson, a dating and relationship coach, for answers, and it turns out that she “100 per cent” believes that dating your polar opposite is a good thing. 

“I think there are real benefits and it doesn’t even have to be introverts and extroverts,” she tells Body+Soul. “But if you have some opposites in there, and you’re also from the mind frame that you want to learn from each other’s strengths, then it can be a massive benefit.”

Beyond tempting introverts out of the house on a Saturday night, the expert says extroverts also have a lot to understand. “Sometimes we extroverts like to blurt out everything we’re thinking,” she explains, and I aggressively nod my head in agreement, trying to hold myself back from blurting everything out. 

Beyond tempting introverts out of the house on a Saturday night, the expert says extraverts also have a lot to understand. Image: Pexels

“I had a client yesterday who was talking about how much of a benefit it is that he is an introvert and his wife is an extrovert,” Thompson says. “And what my client was talking about was having some space to think about what you’re going to say before you say it. Because sometimes introverts are in their head a lot and have some time to themselves, which can be a strength as well.” 

She’s got another client couple who are “exactly the same”.

“They’re complete opposites in the way that they judge people,” the dating coach describes. “He judges people straight away and she gives people too many chances, and they've been able to come together with how they think about individuals when they meet them. Now he softens a bit and she’s become a bit more about boundaries, so it’s been amazing.” 

I think if you're really far extroverted and you meet someone really far introverted, that won’t work. I think it kind of has to be a little bit closer, if that makes sense. Image: Getty

How to navigate dating

So, with this in mind, how do you go about swiping on dating apps when you come across a paradoxical profile? 

“It depends how far you are on the scale,” Thompsons explains. “I think if you're really far extroverted and you meet someone really far introverted, that won’t work. I think it kind of has to be a little bit closer, if that makes sense.

"So I think look for things that you have in common, but when you find the differences don't push them away because you feel like they're too different.” 

Which is definitely something I’m very guilty of doing, and maybe even ruining my chances at love as well as personal development.  

“I think that people will often sabotage themselves in relationships because they think, ‘Oh, we're really different, we don’t have many things in common, and we think really differently’,” she says. “But I think so long as your values align, and if you can learn from the way the other person thinks, then you're going to grow as a couple and grow as an individual.”

What challenges to look out for 

So, you’re dating your polar opposite. What do you need to know? “I think that if you are stuck in your way and assuming that your way is the right way and the only way, then absolutely you could come up against some brick walls because you won't see the other person's perspective,” the relationship coach explains.  

“People often like to view the world through their lens and not see that other people view it very differently from them, so I think the challenge could be if you're not willing to look at the world in a different light or ways that you do things in a different way, then you're going to come up against challenges with the other person.”

“I think that if you are stuck in your way and assuming that your way is the right way and the only way, then absolutely you could come up against some brick walls because you won't see the other person's perspective,” the relationship coach explains.   Image: Getty

Why you need to practise gratefulness 

We’re not all perfect though, and we’re going to make mistakes, so how do we navigate these challenges? “Be grateful,” Thompson says. “What does the other person bring that you can be grateful for and how can it bring a benefit to your life?”

She encourages people to “move out of the frame” of always wanting to be right or their way being the only way. “I think if you can have more of an open mind and see things from a different perspective, you'll be able to see the benefit that it has, even for your life,” she explains. “So it can be selfish, like you could say that, ‘Oh this person's made me reflect a bit more, that's amazing’, or ‘this person's made me have more boundaries, that’s amazing’. You just have to not be stuck in your way being the only way.” 

The importance of meeting in the middle

For it to work properly between an extrovert and introvert, Thompson says “both parties need to come to the party in terms of learning about the other person”. 

“If you had one person wanting the other person to completely change and then not moving, that wouldn't work,” she says. “So I think you both need to have this stance where you want to learn from each other's communication style or the way that they operate in the world and learn from that.”

“Be grateful,” Thompson says. “Like what does the other person bring that you can be grateful for and how can it bring a benefit to your life?” Image: iStock

Sometimes it’s just not going to work 

As much as I want the old ‘opposites attract’ line to be true, sometimes you just can’t make it work. 

“I think it can also depend on the time of your life,” the dating coach says. “If you’re an extrovert and you're younger and you want to be going out all the time and the other person doesn't and they get their energy from being alone and they're not comfortable with you going out at the time, then absolutely there are times where it wouldn't work.”

At which point it comes down to acceptance and just being honest with yourself.

“Are you trying to push a square peg into a round hole, or is it going to work?” questions Thompson. “You just have to really listen to your gut and be honest with yourself about where it's going.”

Originally published as Are you an extrovert? Experts say your perfect partner isn't