The most common red flags people miss, according to a dating expert

Spot them before they take over

Here’s how to differentiate genuine red flags from misleading ones and replace guesswork with more confident dating decisions.

A recent viral clip depicted conventional romantic gestures - like wanting to hang out with you all the time, showering you with gifts and laying on the charm thick- as instant “sound the alarm” red flags.

But let’s be real: dating and relationships aren’t always black and white or red and green. This straightforward outlook is especially problematic in our increasingly superficial swipe-left, swipe-right dating culture, where snap judgements are made in less than a second on a dating app or during the first few minutes of an IRL date. 

Such eagerness to slap a red or green label on someone can result in the unfair labelling, and often mislabelling, of behaviours and missed opportunities.

Consider this: by attempting to simplify complex individual dynamics into neat little boxes, we may be speeding past potentially epic love stories, making rash decisions that don’t get us any closer to breaking the cycle of fleeting encounters, churning and burning through dates, and never delving deep enough to understand someone truly.

On the other hand, many green flags are misidentified as red. Did your first date lack fireworks? Red flag, but is it? Do you expect your partner to make you happy right away? Another red flag, but says who! Surprisingly, these misjudged cues lead us away from perfectly wonderful and stable people.

The intention behind the behaviour will determine if it is a green or red flag. Is it a genuine expression of care or a sly tactic to win you over? Understanding these subtleties is critical. These tips can help you determine the motivations behind your date’s behaviour.

Excessive attention is not always authentic. Image: Pexels

Excessive attention is not always authentic

Let's get one thing straight: a whirlwind of affection, non-stop texting, and an 'I can't go a day without you' vibe in the early stages of dating isn't the universe delivering your soulmate to your doorstep. Sorry (not sorry) to the romantics, but this could be disguised as 'love bombing.'

It's certainly exciting to be at the centre of attention, especially if you’ve been on the apps for a while, but hold up! There's a fine line between the exhilarating whirl of love bombing—with its future promises, mirroring of your interests, and a fast-forward button on emotions—and true, genuine interest that grows at a more organic pace.

A more authentic connection is a gradual burn that just feels right. Love bombing, on the other hand, is more like a fireworks display: spectacular at first but fizzles out just as quickly, often after leading you down the path of a less-than-ideal, frequently exploitative relationship.

So, a word of caution: Keep an eye out for anyone laying it on thick from the start, making huge future plans way too soon, and sharing all your hobbies and dreams in a way that seems too good to be true. Because it most likely is.

Banter doesn't come free. Image: Pexels

The cost of witty banter

A sense of humour is the dating world’s MVP, and ‘good banter’ is one of the most common themes in a dating app bio. After all, looks fade, but sharing a laugh? That’s the stuff of lasting connections. Who wouldn’t want to spend their golden years with someone who can keep them laughing?

But here’s the twist: While Australians are known for their love of sarcasm, there's a fine line between playful teasing and the humour's toxicity. A little sarcasm can’t hurt, but when it becomes a continual stream of scornful jabs, it’s more comparable to toxic “bullying” humour, which can be a red flag.

Beware of jokes that come exclusively at others' expense, mainly when they occur way too frequently and early on.

According to research, sarcasm, when used as a weapon to belittle others continuously, may even be an indication of psychopathy. If your date's humour frequently targets others, especially throughout the 'best behaviour' phase of getting to know each other, proceed cautiously. It won’t be long until you become the subject or target of those not-so-funny jokes.

Vulnerability isn't the same as oversharing. Image: Pexels

The mask of oversharing

Picture this: you're on a date, and your date suddenly begins offloading their deepest, darkest traumas and sob stories. Unsolicited. Unprompted. “Wow, they're so open and vulnerable,” you might think.' But hold on—is it genuine vulnerability or something more calculated?

True intimacy doesn’t entail dumping every skeleton in your closet on a first date. Seeing who can expose more of their soul first is not a competition. Intimacy is a gradual process in which you reveal personal stories at your own pace, not under pressure to match someone else’s emotional over-sharing.

Beware of too much, too soon. If someone uses the victim card to manipulate your emotions, it is a red flag. And if they expect quid pro quo, they are most likely gathering intel on how to push your buttons later.

And note, if their 'heart-to-heart' only happens when they sense you’re losing interest- say, when you pass on that extra drink or second venue—it's time to question their motives. This timed vulnerability can be a calculated strategy to reel you back in, a last-ditch attempt to keep you hooked.

Honesty: The double-edged sword, especially when it hurts

There's a peculiar thrill that some narcissistic and psychopathic individuals get from delivering a sting with their words. They have a knack for wrapping up cruelty in the guise of 'just being honest.' But when 'honesty' comes without empathy, it's not clear or kind; it’s just cruel.

It's crucial to trust your gut here. If their so-called honesty feels more like a slap in the face, that's a huge red flag. Empathy lacking in early-stage dating isn’t likely to suddenly develop later on. Honesty shouldn't be so pointed it hurts; if it does, it's time to ask yourself some hard questions about what you're signing up for.

Knowing your boundaries makes all the difference. Image: Unsplash

Balancing flags and boundaries 

It’s not just about spotting red flags when navigating the dating world; it's also about knowing your boundaries. 

Sure, it’s essential to be aware of some “textbook” behaviours and detect patterns, but relying only on flag-spotting is concerning. Because constantly scanning your date for warning signs, like some dating detective, can cause you to miss the bigger picture.

Turn your attention inward. Develop strong self-confidence, knowing what you’re prepared to accept and what’s a no-go. Embrace self-love to gracefully exit when your boundaries are violated or your needs are ignored. 

It’s not just about being on the lookout for red flags; it’s also about establishing your boundaries and standing on your own. So what are they? What are your boundaries, and how well can you communicate them? Also, consider your red flags and the steps you’re taking to manage them.

Learn to tune into your feelings during the date. How do you feel in their presence? Is your body stiff and anxious, or do you feel comfortable and at ease? Do you enjoy being with them and getting to know them? How do they align with your values, needs and wants? These insights will guide you in making informed decisions about your dating journey, no matter how the winds blow on red or green flags.

Sera Bozza is a dating coach and the founder of Sideswiped, offering dating coaching to help you stay upright in the world of left and right swipes. You can learn more about her here.

Originally published as The most common red flags people miss, according to a dating expert