R U OK Day: Brooke Falvey on losing her first love

“I loved him with the reckless, fickle and often ridiculous love that young people do so well. It was a relationship filled with tears and tantrums, laughter and love. He made me happy and I drove him crazy. Then … he was gone.”

December 7, 2003 was the day I lost the man I loved to suicide.

I was 21 years old, he was 22.

It was the first — but not the last — time suicide would claim the life of someone I cared about.

It is almost impossible to put into words the impact suicide has had on my life and who I am as a person. It changed me; it made me more compassionate and empathetic, although I wish I had never experienced it.

Despite his youth, my boyfriend was a great man. He was caring, handsome, funny, loving and had a smile that beamed.

I loved him with the reckless, fickle and often ridiculous love that young people do so well. It was a relationship filled with tears and tantrums, laughter and love.

He made me happy and I drove him crazy. Then, on a rainy day in December, he was gone.

No warning. No goodbye

In the weeks and months that followed his death, whenever anyone asked how I was, I always replied that I was ‘okay’.

Yet with every breath I took I was acutely aware that I was anything but okay. I was lost, broken and believed I would never be okay again.

Grief would crash over me; a physical ache in my chest like I’d run too hard and fast, as though any moment it would explode.

Memories seemed to slip away before I could reach them. I couldn’t remember his voice without calling his voicemail.

As the years have passed, the pain which was once so raw has softened; it has become about remembering the joy rather than reliving the pain. It has softened but will never leave me completely.

And every now and then that raw pain pops out and blindsides me. For five minutes. An hour. An entire weekend.

I have been exceptionally lucky that throughout the dark days I have always had a strong support network of family and friends lighting the way for me. Even when I didn’t know I was lost.

Friends turned up when I was too sad to leave the house. My brother held my hand through the funeral, his heart breaking too.

Mum squeezed into a change room to hug me because a song started playing which reminded me of him.

Tears streamed down my face, even though it had been years since he’d gone.

Writing this brought tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart, but it’s a topic we can’t ignore.

It is important for us to look out for our friends and family, even those who don’t seem depressed or upset; to let them know that there is someone to support them if they need it.

Someone who will shine a light to help them find their way out of the darkness.

Someone who asks ‘Are you okay?’ and genuinely cares about the answer.

Today is R U OK Day — is not just about asking those around you if they are okay (as we should do every day), it is about finding the courage to speak up when you’re not okay.

If you or a loved one needs help, please call Lifeline (24/7) on 13 11 14.