Christmas 2019: Brooke Falvey’s laugh-out-loud guide to festive season

Have yourself a merry old time this silly season with these laugh-out-loud survival tips from fun-loving Brisbane News columnist Brooke Falvey.

With the festive season in full swing, Mariah Carey and Michael Buble have been removed from storage and defrosted to serenade us repeatedly, and I’m elbow deep in rum ball mixture.

Based on every Hallmark Christmas movie I’ve seen, this is the most wonderful time of year; a time when magic happens; snowfalls in the warmest of climates; people fall in love the moment they meet; and no one cares if the dog knocks over the Christmas tree.

But in reality, it can also be a time for budget blowouts, overindulgence, family drama and hours spent circling shopping centre carparks.

Brisbane News columnist Brooke Falvey is made of Christmas spirit. Photography: Russell Shakespeare/AAP

You’ve also got to try and fit in seeing everyone that’s suggesting you should meet up “because it’s Christmas”, and still find time to chill out and enjoy a few days off work.

So if your Christmas spirit is less “Fa la la la la” and more “Fark! The herald angels sing”, here are my no-fail tips for making merry (no matter what) this festive season.

Think of it as my non-refundable, non-transferable gift to you.

The life of the party

For me, Christmas parties usually go one of two ways – I’m either at home, having claimed I have another event to go to, or I roll in the door in the early hours of the morning bruised from falling off a stage, or requiring a trip to emergency to have a shard of glass removed from my foot.

To avoid your own Bridget Jones-style karaoke disaster, or similar cringe-worthy end to the evening, you should finally admit that eating is not cheating and adequately line your stomach with protein and carbs to soak up the alcohol, or drink water all night.

This way, you won’t say anything you’ll regret and you’ll appear far more mature than you probably are.

Ready, set, shop!

If you’re starting to feel that twinge of panic at the realisation that you haven’t bought anything gift-like yet (unless it’s for yourself), the good news is there’s still time to pour yourself a glass of wine, order everything online and have it delivered to your door.

If you’d prefer to shop in person, it’s probably best to cancel everything between now and Christmas Eve because once you finally find a carpark at your local shopping centre, you’ll be like Rick Astley and never want to give it up.

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You should prepare to hear Mariah singing All I Want For Christmas again and again. And again. And I recommend a few pre-shop stretches so you can duck-and-weave your way around slow walkers and, my pet hate, people who stand side-by-side on escalators.

This isn’t the ark, people. You don’t need to go two-by-two! Step aside and let me pass.

Parking for Christmas shopping is eternally on the naughty list.

More chic, less cheap

I’m going to say it – it’s time to do away with the cheap Secret Santa gifts. No one needs a reindeer that poops cheap shiny chocolate that tastes like a laxative. And you can’t buy anything interesting for $5 or $10, so the majority of it just ends up in landfill.

Shopping for kids? My friends use the four gift rule; give something to read, something to use, something they need and something they want.

If you’re still struggling, head to finder.com.au; they’ve been tracking the popularity of products and have broken them down by categories – everything from clients and friends to horse lovers, mother-in-law and “someone you have just started dating”.

You can’t choose your family

If your Christmas pudding is likely to be served with a side of dysfunction and questions about when you’ll settle down/have a baby/buy a house, my advice is to breathe deeply, take regular bathroom breaks to look at pictures of puppies, and try to focus on your family’s good points. Unless they don’t have any, in which case turn lunch into a speed dating affair where everyone moves chairs every 15 minutes to avoid any aggro, or skip it entirely and leave the country. Sure they’ll whinge and complain, but you won’t be there to hear it!

Brook Falvey is a weekly columnist for Brisbane News. Photo: Russell Shakespeare

For me? You really shouldn’t have

My face tends to give the game away when I receive a hideous gift, but faking it like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally is the only way to go. Gasp a bit, try to smile and simply repeat what the gift is in an excited voice.

“Oh an embroidered cushion. What a great colour. How fantastic.”

Avoid saying “It’s the thought that counts”, because it’s a dead giveaway that you’d have preferred they simply thought about giving you a gift because now you need to either re-gift it, donate it to charity, or hide it in a cupboard until they come to visit and then throw it on the couch and pretend it’s always been there.

Smile, and simply repeat what the awful gift is in an excited voice, recommends Brooke.

When you accidentally tell your little cousins about Santa

Immediately call an Uber and head straight to the airport because this is a dangerous situation.

My grandma spilt this secret to my brother when he was five years old, and mum still hasn’t forgiven her. Because I’m six years older, I’d already received this devastating news, but I also understood that as long as we both “believed”, we would still get presents from Santa. I can’t wait to see what he brings me this year.

Well this is a lovely surprise!

You’re chilling on the couch eating rum balls and watching Love Actually for the 75th time when the doorbell rings. Is it your husband’s best mate declaring his love on giant cards? No, it’s worse – a friend who popped by unannounced to drop off a present.

Name a more iconic Christmas movie. We’ll wait.

To avoid getting caught out, always have some bubbly chilled, to pop at a moment’s notice. Jazz it up with a few fresh berries and you’re good to go.

Also throw a couple of generic gifts such as boxes of gourmet chocolates, a book you want to read, tubes of hand cream or a movie voucher wrapped and ready under the tree.

How to dress for 45C heat

Christmas Day is for eating as much as you want and wearing whatever you like.

A sequined kaftan or tiers of tulle? Go for it! Red, green and gold? You do you, boo! Santa boardies from the kids? Looking good, dad!

But avoid the Christmas sweater, even if it’s just for comedic value and a photo for the ’Gram. They’re itchy and hot, even when it’s cold outside, so if you do go down this route, be prepared to black out your entire suburb’s electricity grid trying to keep cool.

Instead opt for something fabulous, loose and flowy, or with an elasticated waist. If the pressure’s too much, just stay in your togs, towel and Christmas cracker crown all day.

The ham hangover. It’s a thing. Picture: iStock

More ham anyone?

What I love about Christmas is the licence to overindulge. Forget the quest for a beach-fit body, a festive frame is so much better and the phrase, “Go on, it’s Christmas”, is the perfect excuse to eat loads, drink loads and not worry about it until January 2.

But remember whatever you don’t eat on Christmas Day, you’ll be eating for the following three days. The salted macadamias and shortbread will be long gone, but you’ll still find half a bowl of Cadbury Roses on the kitchen bench (the Turkish Delights, obviously), and ham.

So much ham.

You’ll be eating ham sandwiches, ham and eggs, and ham and cheese toasties until you’re 90 per cent Babe, and found staring into the fridge, mumbling something about going vegan.

If all else fails, try a little movie magic

Whatever happens over the next few weeks, remember not everything will go entirely to plan, but you can still have fun with friends and family. If all that fails, remind yourself that it’s just another day, bunker down and watch Die Hard.

This story is intended to be tongue-in-cheek, and we realise Christmas can be a hard time for many people. If you need help, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14