Coronavirus: Phil Brown on the joys of social distancing

Social distancing relieves a lot of the awkwardness involved in social intercourse, if you’ll pardon the expression. For miserable bastards like me that’s perfectly fine, writes Phil Brown.

I don’t know about you but I’m loving this social distancing. It’s great news for misanthropes.

Being a little anti-social I’m sometimes uneasy with close contact.

I often feel we should have people around to the house more often, for example, but now I don’t have to worry about that at all.

No-one’s coming over.

Also social distancing relieves one of a lot of the awkwardness involved in social intercourse, if you’ll pardon the expression.

A case in point – kissing.

Normally I go out a lot for work, to concerts, the theatre and festivals and such.

I’d rather stay home but I have to go out you see. Usually.

And when I do I come across people I know. Lots of them.

And greeting the ladies I meet gets confusing. Because I’m never quite sure with some people whether I should kiss them, just shake hands or just nod hello.

Like sometimes you think you should give someone a peck on the cheek but you sense a slight discomfort about that and you stop in mid-pucker.

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Sometimes I will shake hands and sense that maybe more was expected.

With blokes it’s easier, you just shake hands.

But that can be problematic too.

I once greeted a well-known impresario at a function at QPAC and shook his hand only to find it was wet.

Brisbane News columnist Phil Brown is a huge fan of social distancing. Photo: AAP/Ric Frearson

He apologised that he had just come from the loo.

I smiled and went straight in there myself to scrub my own mitt in response.

And quick handshakes in foyers often go wrong in passing, such as when you don’t get a full grip and the other person just ends up squeezing your fingers.

You leave such encounters feeling you have somehow failed.

But we don’t have to worry about that for a while because with social distancing it’s quite okay to just nod and wave if you do see anybody.

I mean we still go out for walks and spot people from the neighbourhood and have to greet them from afar. This could become my new norm.

I went to my surgeon recently to have a skin cancer carved off my face and when I arrived at his rooms I was thinking how I would greet him.

A good firm handshake is the usual fare but when he came out he proffered an elbow to bump. He was way ahead of me.

I guess the question is how long will this all last?

Well, months at least, which may be painful for all you lovey dovey gregarious types.

But for miserable bastards like me it’s fine. In fact I am so much better prepared than many.

From now on just expect a wave or a vague air kiss from 1.5 metres or further away.

I hope you don’t take offence.

And when we are all back to normal and I have to shake hands again please don’t offer me your paw if you have just come from the men’s room and haven’t dried your hands.