Are dating apps failing women?

The fatigue is real

Vanilla dating makes a convincing case for simplicity, but is it compatible with modern dating? Image: Getty

Dating apps are the most common way to meet a romantic match – but staying online comes at a cost. Amidst rising fatigue and dissatisfaction, Laura Roscioli asks what we can do to reignite our lust for love, on the apps or otherwise.

Everywhere I turn, women are fatigued by dating apps. 

A few weeks ago, my housemate was on all the apps, having multiple conversations with men and coming home exhausted. She was going through a break-up and wanted a fun distraction, but instead she got either trauma-dumped all over, or simply not replied to.

Then a couple of days ago, I ran into a friend on the tram on the way to work and she was deep in a swipe trance. I asked her how it was going, if she’d seen any hotties. She looked up at me blank-faced, as though the question itself was ignorant. “When was the last time you were on a dating app?” she asked, mid-yawn. I felt immediately bad for asking.

Then, I put a story up on Instagram. I wanted the real tea. “My girlies out there on dating apps,” I wrote. “Who’s fatigued by online dating? Tell me everything!” Within minutes, my dms were flooded with girls who felt seen by the question. “MEEEE!” One wrote. “Girl, so fatigued” said another. 

Although I’m in a relationship right now, I can’t seem to escape conversations about dating apps. Ever since bursting into mainstream awareness roughly a decade ago, they’ve become the single most common way to meet people romantically. And although that doesn’t seem to be changing anytime soon, the overarching consensus is that they’re not working — especially for women.

Why are we all getting so fatigued by dating apps?

“The apps present this world of unlimited options, it’s almost like the culture of the apps themselves has shifted to just be there for validation rather than connection,” says Tegan, one of the girls who responded to my IG story. Currently on the apps, she’s noticed that more and more people are predominantly looking for someone “fun and casual”.

“It’s like the apps aren’t for dating”, she says, and more about hook-ups, feeling out your options, seeing what’s out there.

“I think we’re all a little fatigued by them, but what are the alternatives? Meeting in real life is still a thing, but I don’t think people are as open to connection in person as they used to be.”

“It’s like the art of conversation – and even flirting – is somewhat lost.”

I totally agree with her. Even though I’m not looking to romantically connect with people, I still notice that vibing with random people in random places is less of a thing than it used to be. People don’t return your eye contact when you thank them for your coffee and if you dare smile at someone walking past, they look back at you, confused — because surely you can’t just be smiling without intent? I used to be the girl that made conversation at every coffee shop and bar, but the vibe is much more “don’t talk to me” than I can ever remember. 

With so many options at our fingertips, do we even know what we want? Image: Getty

Maybe we’re just all a little confused. With so many options at our fingertips, do we even know what we want?

“Being on the apps makes me compare myself to my friends in successful relationships,” my friend Georgia tells me. “I feel like I’m failing because I keep attracting the wrong kind of people. Is my frequency off, or do men just not know what they want?”

Men claim to want a long-term relationship, but also something casual and fun, according to Georgia. This is true for her, and over half of the girls on dating apps that popped into my dms. The general consensus is: men say they’re serious, that they want connection – but they don’t follow through.

“They say they want to be in love, to find their person, but then they won’t remember your name. It’s so confusing.”

Single people (and even those of us in relationships) are living in this world of overflowing choice. Image: iStock

That does sound confusing to me. To say you’re looking for something meaningful, but then to also want a “casual” “fun time” girl, doesn’t really make sense. The ideas themselves contradict one another. 

“How can you message a guy who says he wants a serious relationship and say you’re looking for that too, let’s go on a date – only to get ghosted? Make it make sense!”

Single people (and even those of us in relationships) are living in this world of overflowing choice. Even just the knowledge of the sheer quantity of people out there, has an impact on how we view the relationships we’re in.

Dating apps give us access to hundreds of people we would never think to interact with, says sex therapist Aleks Trkulja. “It’s not just fish in the sea, it’s an overpopulated salmon farm.”

We have so much accessibility to people, that there are even dating apps that can connect you with the likes of Louis Hamilton (I’ve seen it with my own eyes). But within this world of instant connection, we’re the most isolated we’ve ever been. 

Aussies between 18 and 24 are currently the most affected by loneliness. Image: iStock

According to 2024 research by the ABC, Aussies between 18 and 24 are currently the most affected by loneliness. Loneliness itself has been recognised by the World Health Organisation (WHO) as a public health priority, and there’s a growing local push for the federal government to consider loneliness as a priority public health issue in Australia alone.

This tells me that although we might have infinite choice, people aren’t connecting in a meaningful way. Perhaps their list of things they’re looking for in a partner are too long. Perhaps they’re so aware of all the things they don’t want, learnt in dating buzzwords – like gaslighting and love-bombing – that they’ve forgotten what they do want. Social media beauty standards haven’t helped with that either.

And, while men are suffering within online dating too – the overwhelming pressure on women to be ‘chosen’ by a man, is still so prevalent and perhaps even magnified by dating app dynamics. 

“As a lesbian it’s even trickier, simply because as girls we’re socialised to keep male attention at the forefront of our minds and seek it out 24/7,” my friend Elle tells me, in my dms. “Even as someone who has no desire to be with a man, I still ask myself if I’m pretty enough for a man to think I’m hot. It’s a battlefield.”

As girls we’re socialised to keep male attention at the forefront of our minds and seek it out 24/7. Image: Unsplash

As women, we suffer from this historic mental trope of mistrusting ourselves, of feeling like we’re the problem, especially in romantic and sexual relationships. We often feel like it’s up to us to move ourselves around for me. To be “less needy”, “less emotional” and quite frankly, just less true to the things that make us feminine. 

“Feeling pressure to find ‘the one’ is perpetuated by heteronormative romantic narratives portrayed in society at large,” Aleks says.

Patriarchal society is – still – constantly sending out the message that to be desired as a woman is the most powerful thing of all, which then makes it feel like the most important thing in the whole world. 

There’s a little part in all of us that is just waiting to be chosen, to get a happily ever after. It weirdly feels like something you ‘get’, because it feeds into this idea that it will come once we’ve hit peak success. Which, in the eyes of mainstream society, is peak hot-ness. 

Dating apps reiterate this idea. They’re literally a visual-only platform for romantic and sexual connection. No matter how hard apps try to create more of an immersive experience, where users have to answer questions, add voice notes to their profile or fill out all kinds of intricate details about their romantic preferences, it’s still not a place where personality, humour and general ‘vibe’ reigns supreme. It’s not a true source of capturing someone’s essence and liking them for who they are.

Dating apps are gamified. Image: iStock

“Dating apps are somewhat gamified,” says Aleks Trkulja. “They trigger dopamine in the brain and you’re constantly chasing this short-lived high of a match.”

It does feel like a bit of a game, my housemate on the apps agrees. And how could it not be? Conceptually, you’re given the entire population of single people in your chosen radius to view at, at your leisure. With a single left or right swipe — that you decide in a manner of seconds — you decide if they’re someone you find attractive enough to chat to. 

And you're there because you want to connect, right? You’re on a dating app because at the very least, you’re looking to find someone else hot and for that to be returned. I feel like it’s similar to going clothes shopping and really wanting to find something you like, but everything you try on is a little ‘meh’. So, you settle for a dress that looks ok. And then when you get home, you wonder what you were thinking. 

That moment, of putting the dress on in the comfort of your own mirror and realising you’ll probably never wear it,  is like so many of the first dates my friends seem to be going on. 

Dating apps can start to feel like admin. Image: iStock

“I’ve had so many dates where I just know as soon as I get there that we’re not a match,” says Lily, another Instagram story responder. “It feels so disheartening and I don’t know how much longer I can do it for. Why am I choosing people who are so wrong for me?”

Not only does Aleks speak to hundreds of people about their sex, dating and love lives as part of her work, she’s also speaking from personal experience — as a single and dating sex therapist on dating apps. 

“They start to feel like admin. And the last thing I want to do with my limited spare time is make small talk with people I’ve never met.

“Plus, people are flakey and avoidant and a lot of effort leads to failure which is disheartening,” she adds. 

It's important to go offline to restore your energy. Image: iStock

So, how can we feel less fatigued?

In many ways, we seem to be returning back to analogue forms of communication. I see more people on the train reading books again, online content is shifting towards tangible things we can trust, like podcasts or news platforms, where there’s a human voice or real evidence attached.

People are picking up their phones and calling each other more, or sending voice notes – in the case of my inner circle. 

Even in conversation, I’ve heard more and more people talk about the importance of going offline; of clearing our minds and getting comfortable without having a million message threads, notifications and audiovisual stimulation at any one time. 

Personally, I have been taking as much time as I can to just sit and read a book or have a conversation with a friend. 

Because the truth is, the more time offline we spend, the better we feel. It’s a tough reality, because we live in such a digital world, and there are heaps of interesting and addictive things to discover within the limitless bounds of internet-land. 

But it’s also a place that tempts us to get caught up in comparison, to indulge in imagining greener grass on the other side of the screen, to follow the masses and feel disconnected from ourselves. I honestly think, that the more time we spend on the internet, the less ourselves we feel.

Try locking eyes with someone cute at a venue you go to this week, instead of looking at a screen. Image: Supplied

Aleks agrees. She recommends we “delete the apps, and focus on our own wellbeing”, to manage the fatigue. Instead, “Interact with friends and family, and engage in hobbies,” she says. 

“I would also encourage people to consider in-person dating events. Some are even centered around a shared common interest like run clubs, trivia nights, crafts, or chess clubs.”

Get offline and back in the real world, basically. You’ll be surprised how quickly you remember the actual things you find attractive might be the way someone commands a room, their curiosity or the colour of their socks – rather than the way they appear on a screen and in your imagination. 

“No one picks you,” Aleks says. “You pick you. Make your life so fabulous you don’t rely on the approval of others.”

Just know that if you’re feeling fatigued by dating online, you’re not alone. So many women (and men) are feeling this way. 

Try locking eyes with someone cute at a venue you go to this week. Give your number to someone you like. Enjoy sitting with your own thoughts, under a tree at your nearest park. 

It might feel uncomfortable for a minute but you’ll remember yourself sooner than you think. And I promise you, that will put you in better stead to connect with the ‘right’ people, in real life. 

Originally published as Are dating apps failing women?