Is the 6-6-6 rule setting unrealistic expectations around dating? An investigation

Are you setting standards or being too picky?

Is the 6-6-6 dating rule the answer to your relationship woes, or are you setting yourself up for failure? Nicole Colantoni, eHarmony’s dating and relationship coach, weighs in.

When I first heard of the 6-6-6 rule for dating, my immediate reaction was 'Has the dating world become so dire that we are now manifesting the devil?'

And while my dark, millennial mind was proven incorrect, unfortunately, I’m not convinced what it actually means is a whole lot better.

For those of you like me who hadn’t (or haven’t) heard of this rule – one which has gone viral on social media- in basic terms, it involves women seeking men who are six feet tall, with six-pack abs and who earn six figures annually, explains Nicole Colantoni, eHarmony’s Dating and Relationship Coach. 

Or, according to some posts, it’s a six-inch penis, rather than the six pack abs.

While the trend is largely a joke, it still taps into some arguably, unhelpful expectations when it comes to dating.

“While some may post about it tongue-in-cheek, the underlying pressures are real. Many people feel immense pressure to conform to these standards due to inflated expectations around what makes a man desirable,” says Colantoni.

“The fact that it taps into real fears and insecurities is undeniable. It reinforces the idea that physical attributes and wealth should be prioritised over qualities like a person’s character, personality, and emotional compatibility.”

For some though, the 6-6-6 dating trend has been taken quite literally and adopted as a way to find a partner, something Colantoni is convinced won’t lead women on the path to true love.

“The 6-6-6 rule is part of a broader trend-setting very specific, superficial standards when it comes to choosing a partner and which pushes appearance and wealth as key factors in desirability,” says Colantoni.

“And while it might seem aspirational, it overlooks more meaningful qualities that create lasting relationships.”

When it comes to this dating trend, in particular, the rigidity of its guidelines is also restricting, limiting the pool of options from an Olympic-sized to a backyard shell pool. This, Colantoni says, can lead to disappointment and missed opportunities.

“It excludes potentially great partners who may not meet these standards but do have the deeper qualities that matter in a lasting relationship,” she says.

“For example, someone might meet all three criteria but lack emotional availability, kindness, or the ability to genuinely connect with you. You might overlook a partner who doesn’t tick all the boxes but is supportive, reliable, and shares your values.”

The other issue with this is that it prioritises surface quality traits. “Focusing too much on these surface traits can leave you chasing external validation rather than what will make you happy. What matters is not what social media says is important but what’s authentic to you – and no dating trend can decide that.

Over time, things like physical appearance or wealth can change but someone’s character, values, and how they treat you are far better predictors of long-term happiness.”

On a positive note, what the 6-6-6 rule does well is encouraging people to have clear expectations about the qualities you want in a partner (even if the ones it suggests aren’t what you should necessarily be focusing on).

“It’s okay to have preferences but they should be balanced things like personality, shared goals and emotional compatibility,” says Colantoni. “Height, abs, and income might seem appealing but they’re the icing on the cake. What matters is finding someone who shares your core values, respects you and is committed to growing together.

"Tick these boxes and you’re more likely to find a partner who stands the test of time. Make sure any partner feels right for your authentic self rather than just being someone you picked based on what you thought you should look for.”

So, while the 6-6-6 rule may generate some entertaining social media content, a better real-life approach to dating should look different.

“A better approach to dating is to focus on authenticity, personality, and shared values. Prioritise qualities that will sustain a relationship, like integrity, emotional intelligence and the ability to communicate openly,” says Colantoni.

“It’s also essential to be your true self when dating. Authenticity attracts people who appreciate you for who you are, rather than who you think you need to be. Instead of ticking boxes dictated by social media trends, try building a connection you feel comfortable and confident in.

"Ultimately, compatibility comes from understanding and appreciating each other’s personality, not how someone looks or how much they earn.”

Something to keep in mind the next time you go to swipe left – or right.

Originally published as Is the 6-6-6 rule setting unrealistic expectations around dating? An investigation