Your night in: Every movie on TV tonight rated or slated
There are plenty of great movie choices on TV tonight, so get comfy on the couch and take your pick from a classic rom-com, an action-packed thriller and a not-to-be-missed epic, with a few other intriguing options.
Leigh Paatsch
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BRIDGET JONES’S DIARY (M)
***1/2
8.30pm, Ch. 7
A movie with a happy knack for breaking down the most cynical lines of defence with just the right combination of charm, humour and a pronounced human touch. Renée Zellweger is brilliant as the dumpy English everywoman who learns the hard way that self-improvement won’t be found at the back of her refrigerator. While the Texan-born actor’s surprising ease with an English accent and some additional body weight is to be admired, she brings much more to the role than just posh gab and excess flab. In particular, Zellweger’s stoushes with male leads Hugh Grant and Colin Firth – beautifully scripted by Love Actually’s Richard Curtis – generate a multitude of memorable scenes.
SPEED (M)
****
10.15pm 7MATE
An oldie, but a goldie. A young, fit and fairly animated (by his relaxed standards, anyway) Reeves is locked in a battle of wits with mad bomber Dennis Hopper. The action is concentrated on a packed bus careening all over Los Angeles. If it dips below 50 miles-per-hour on the speedo, the vehicle will go boom, and it will be bye-bye for all aboard (including an about-to-be-famous Sandra Bullock).
RED RIDING HOOD (M)
*
8.30pm 7FLIX
This sickly fairytale offering has dropped the “Little” from the original title and gone after something smaller. And found it with the greatest of quease. Amanda Seyfried (my, my, what big eyes she has!) stars as Valerie, the brightest young beauty in a Dark Ages village being terrified by a Big Bad Wolf. While the story is no great shakes, it is the silliness delivered so solemnly that will really rattle you. Stay right away. Co-stars Gary Oldman.
SUCKER PUNCH (M)
*1/2
10.15pm 7FLIX
Imagine a wholly unnecessary mash-up of Inception, Sin City and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Performed by the Schoolgirls In Uniform division of The Pussycat Dolls. Emily Browning stars as Baby Doll, a young woman dragged to an asylum by her sleazy stepdad for a lobotomy. While awaiting the removal of her brain, Baby Doll falls in with the shrink-tank’s resident hot chicks (led by Abbie Cornish), each wearing Victoria’s Secret’s latest line of lingerie for the mentally unstable. What the heck does it all mean? You will never, ever know. Some of it is undeniably dazzling to the eye. But all of it is flamboyantly defiant of all known logic. Consider yourself punched, sucker.
GLADIATOR (M)
*****
8.30pm Ch. 9
It was always going to take something bigger than Ben-Hur to restore the fallen reputation of the blood-and-sandals brigade. Courtesy of the colossal direction of Ridley Scott and a career-making performance by Russell Crowe, Gladiator proved to be that something. The storyline scales several mountainous ups and downs in the life of Maximus (Crowe), a former major player of the Roman Army now fighting for his life in the minor leagues of open-arena combat. That is, until he gets a call-up to the Colosseum, where he might just get the chance to give the cruel Emperor Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix) his rightful comeuppance. Like Titanic, Gladiator is timeless popular cinema – an event, an experience, and above all else, an epic not to be forgotten. Or worse still, missed.
THE RAINMAKER (M)
***
8.40pm GEM
A green law school graduate Matt Damon takes a job with a mob-connected firm and quickly learns why the goddess of justice wears that blindfold on her eyes. One of the better screen adaptations of a John Grisham novel features surprisingly zippy direction from Francis Ford Coppola (The Godfather, Apocalypse Now) and a colourful supporting cast. Jostling for position among the passing parade of A-list cameos are Danny DeVito, Jon Voight, Claire Danes and Mickey Rourke.
HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA (PG)
***1/2
7.30pm GO!
There’s a wow factor to this vibrant animated comedy that just does not let up. It all starts with the madcap premise: the notorious vampire Count Dracula now runs a luxury resort for ghouls, ghosts and gremlins. Maybe not the first choice for small children, but anyone over six-years-old will have a ball. Stars the voices of Adam Sandler, Selena Gomez.
ACE VENTURA PET DETECTIVE (PG)
***
9.20pm GO!
The surprisingly enjoyable family comedy that catapulted Jim Carrey to fame and fortune as the most popular funnyman of the 1990s. Peaks perfectly at a one-on-one brawl between the anarchic title character and a feathered football mascot.
MOTHER (MA15+)
*
10.55pm SBS
An aggressively abstract, self-indulgent and unashamedly pretentious psychological thriller. Jennifer Lawrence plays a nameless character renovating an old house that has survived a recent fire. She shares the dwelling with her older husband (Javier Bardem), a famous poet fighting a crippling case of writer’s block. The wife craves privacy so she can paint walls and pick out furniture. However, her husband’s fans keep dropping by uninvited, doing weird stuff that drives her to despair. The whole experience is both desperately cryptic and preciously pointless, like repeatedly taking a wrong turn down David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive in a car with four flat tyres. No.
FILM STARS DON’T DIE IN LIVERPOOL (M)
**1/2
7.30pm WORLD MOVIES
What we have here is a slogging stoush between two lead performers giving their all, and source material giving them bugger all in return. This is the true story of Gloria Grahame, a former Hollywood star who saw out her twilight years in England. Keeping her terminal condition a closely guarded secret, Grahame (played with inviting conviction by Annette Bening) instead remains capriciously devoted to reviving her expired career. Meanwhile, her young lover (Jamie Bell, also excellent), steels himself for a painful last goodbye.
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON (PG)
****1/2
9.30pm WORLD MOVIES
In Ancient China, the disappearance of a magical jade sword prompts a breathtaking quest and many stirring battles to guarantee its return. Demands to be seen purely for the jaw-dropping grace exuded by the fight sequences choreographed by The Matrix’s Woo-Ping Yuen. These scenes define their own reality – the performers glide across walls, treetops and ponds while lashing out in full flight – but crucially, never inspire disbelief.
Five movie picks for streaming or rental to get you through the evening
UNDERWATER (M)
***
rent via FOXTEL STORE, GOOGLE, ITUNES, YOUTUBE MOVIES
A solid mid-range thriller with a setting so exotically remote (and relentlessly claustrophobic) that it dominates the entire picture. The liquefied locale you will be looking at is the famed Mariana Trench, a true geographic wonder of the world where the ocean floor plunges deeper than anywhere else on the planet. It is here, in the wake of a devastating undersea explosion, that the surviving crew members of a stricken drilling station must embark on a risky flight to safety. Stars Kristen Stewart.
EVEREST (M)
***
FOXTEL
Stoically committed to a well-chronicled true story, Everest is above all an old-fashioned disaster movie. Just like The Perfect Storm and other real-life entries in the genre, the incidentals must be skimmed over. All that really matters is achieving a convincing depiction of a terrible incident we all know is coming. In this case, the deaths of five climbers on Everest’s south face during a commercial group ascent in May 1996. Stars Jason Clarke.
INCREDIBLES 2 (PG)
****1/2
DISNEY+
This supercharged superhero sequel hits the ground running, hits the skies flying, and hits the audience with wave after wave of excitement, enjoyment and stirring storytelling. Events begin where the original 2003 classic concluded, with the Parr family still living on the wrong side of the law while saving the day as covert costumed crime fighters. However, just as it seems superheroes may soon be invited back in from the cold, a dangerous new techno-villain known as The Screen-slaver starts turning up the heat. What more can be said? Everything is as excellent as it could and should be here, with the added bonus of a spectacular unveiling of baby Jack-Jack’s much-discussed secret superpower.
MARGUERITE
***
STAN; or rent via GOOGLE, ITUNES, YOUTUBE MOVIES
If love is blind, then talent is deaf in this alternately engaging and poignant French period comedy-drama. Catherine Frot is wonderful in the title role as a sublimely oblivious socialite who thinks she has what it takes to make it as an opera singer. While Marguerite Dumont has a pile of cash to repeatedly put herself in the spotlight throughout the 1920s and 30s, she is also cursed with a voice that has most listeners wishing WWII would hurry up and start already. The tragicomic reasons for Marguerite’s pitch-imperfect warblings are beautifully communicated to the audience by the irresistible Frot. Oh, and any musical performances that do not feature you-know-who are first-class.
TRIPLE 9
***1/2
rent via GOOGLE, ITUNES, YOUTUBE MOVIES
The title of this unorthodox crime drama is US police code for “officer down.” There are moments aplenty here where viewers may want to put out a distress call on behalf of the movie. However, there is a gritty resolve to this tale that ultimately rewards any perseverance sent its way. The story is set in Atlanta, where a gang of highly organised bank robbers also happen to be high-ranking policemen. However, if you think you’re in for just another corrupt-cop thriller, you’re wrong. The real brains of the outfit is a real piece of work, a vicious crime baroness named Irina (a show-stealing Kate Winslet with a thick Russian accent). Co-stars Woody Harrelson, Casey Affleck. Directed by John Hillcoat (The Road).
Originally published as Your night in: Every movie on TV tonight rated or slated
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