Your night in: Every movie on Melbourne TV rated or slated
It’s a wintry Saturday night perfect for a lazy movie night on the couch. From a Dr Seuss classic to an arresting adaptation of a Shakespeare icon, Leigh Paatsch has reviewed every movie on TV tonight.
Leigh Paatsch
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DR SEUSS’ THE LORAX (PG)
**
5.50pm GO
There’s this movie The Lorax, and I think you should know. Ol’ Doc Seuss would loathe it, he just wouldn’t go. When Seuss wrote The Lorax, t’was a swift-impact read. An eco-friendly message, with some biz about Thneeds. But the movie, the movie! Well, what can I say? If it ran just 10 minutes, it would still waste your day. Look, there is good stuff in there, as of course there should be: the love for our planet, and its truffula trees. But the movie, the movie! It often goes slack. Too much loud, brash cartooning, voiced by Efron (the Zac). For what little goes right, there’s so much going wrong. Many preachy montages, and the odd cheesy song. So who should attend? Let me put it nice-ler: it’s a maybe for Once-lers, and a no-go for Twice-lers.
RED (M)
***
7.30pm Channel 7
The umpteenth ultra-disposable action flick of the modern age is here to prove only that age is no barrier when there is stuff to be blown up and body-count quotas to be filled. Bruce Willis plays a retired CIA agent marked for death by his former employer. The veteran support cast (led by Helen Mirren, Morgan Freeman and John Malkovich) play the pensioners-go-pow-pow card with panache and good humour. Good, dumb fun.
BRIDGET JONES: THE EDGE OF REASON (M)
*½
7.30pm Channel 7
A calamitous disappointment of a sequel. The old Bridget we all loved for her frailties, failings and feelings is gone. The new Bridget is a buffoonish fall girl for slapstick sketches that would barely cut it on a TV sitcom. Hits an absolute low in the final act, where Bridget (Renée Zellweger) teaches the inmates of a Thai women’s prison to sing “Like a Virgin”. Avoid. Co-stars Colin Firth, Hugh Grant.
ERASER (M)
***
10.15pm 7MATE
Who else but Arnold Schwarzenegger can fire a barrage of ammo into the mouth of a crocodile and then inform the dying beast “You’re luggage!”? Although Eraser offered the first signs that cinema audiences were no longer willing to swallow Arnie in any old action vehicle served up to them, there is still enough cheesy lowbrow moments to make this tale of weapons, women and witness protection deliver on the small screen. Only one serious snafu — Arnie going toe-to-toe with a villain that should be swinging a walking frame (The Godfather’s James Caan) at the climax.
FINDING DORY (G)
***1/2
6.30pm 7FLIX
Though a clear notch beneath its classic Pixar animated predecessor Finding Nemo, lively pacing and an inspired finale is sure to leave viewers of all ages perfectly happy with what they have seen. Nemo and his dad Marlin are now lending a helping fin to their forgetful friend Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), who has suddenly remembered she has two long-lost parents.
THE BOOK THIEF (PG)
***1/2
8.30pm 7FLIX
Based on the 2005 bestseller by Markus Zusak, this moving drama details the experiences of a young girl living in Germany during World War 2. Separated from her parents before the onset of WWII, Liesel (Sophie Nelisse) is sent to live with a kindly sign-writer (Geoffrey Rush) and his stern wife (Emily Watson). As the oppressive stranglehold of Hitler’s Nazi regime intensifies by the day, Liesel’s new home becomes the shelter for a young Jewish fugitive (Ben Schnetzer). Impeccably acted and beautifully scripted, The Book Thief is an absorbing effort that captures everything that was so widely admired about the original novel. Co-stars Nico Liersch.
MANNY LEWIS (M)
(No stars)
11.15pm 7FLIX
Here comes one of the most truly terrible Australian films in living memory. Playing a feebly fictionalised version of himself, comedian Carl Barron wishes to convey about how challenging life can be for a wildly popular stand-up comic in this country. The fans just won’t leave Australia’s major mirth-maker Manny Lewis (Barron) alone. All those backslappers and mouth-breathers can be real pests sometimes. (Pssst! Carl! Aren’t these the same folk you’re hoping to sell movie tickets to this weekend?) Then there’s the women hassles, and that empty feeling you get when killing time between gigs in your swish high-rise apartment. Barron gives acting as we know it a wide berth here, opting instead to wistfully slouch from one scene to the next as if he’s advancing up a queue to pay a library fine.
GHOST IN THE SHELL (M)
***
10.25PM Channel 9
Hardline manga devotees can rest easy: this big-budget Hollywood take on the seminal cyberpunk tract does not let the team down in any way that can’t be somehow forgiven. And that includes the ‘controversial’ casting of Scarlett Johansson as a human-android hybrid at war with techno-terrorists in the not-too-distant future. If there is a sticking point, it is only that it is sometimes comes across as too clinical. Visuals are a non-stop, all-caps WOW.
CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER (M)
**1/2
7pm GEM
VIP CIA operative Jack Ryan (Harrison Ford) is requested by the US President to zip down to Colombia and sort out that messy narcotics business once and for all. Upon arrival, Jack discovers all the bad dudes of the Colombian drug cartels have faces like robber’s dogs and speak with those awful “steenking Hamerrikann peeeeg” voices. This only serves to get Jack madder, and, well, madder again, until the whole problem is resolved.
RUNAWAY JURY (M)
***
9.45pm GEM
Another John Grisham book forms the basis for another decent (if not dazzling) courtroom drama. In keeping with the Grisham house style, this is a speechy, preachy, David-vs-Goliath affair involving a slain lawyer’s widow suing an arms manufacturer and some jury tampering on the side. At least the casting of big names like Gene Hackman, John Cusack and Dustin Hoffman prevents a marked dip in quality at any point. The eighth adaptation of a Grisham potboiler since Tom Cruise set the ball rolling with 1993’s The Firm.
THE HUNTSMAN: WINTER’S WAR (M)
*½
7.30pm GO!
It’s a prequel, it’s a sequel, and it’s in no way equal to the movie that came before. That movie was Snow White and the Huntsman, a surprisingly worthwhile fairytale action-adventure hit from 2012. This movie benches Ms. White, and subs a few new feisty female players into a dull and uninspired game. Emily Blunt stars as Freya, an irritable queen with a grudge against happy loving couples. This is bad news for Sara (Jessica Chastain), Freya’s top woman warrior. She’s been secretly hooking up with that hunk of he-man hotness The Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) for many years. The only love that Hemsworth and Chastain’s chemistry-free pairing suggests is a shared affection for shonky Scottish accents. Co-stars Charlize Theron.
HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (MA15+)
*
9.45pm GO!
Just as the world huffed a collective “what the …?” at 2012’s Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, this junky offering is equally, hopelessly unnecessary. The famous fairytale is merely a leaping-off point for an addled action-fantasy-horror-comedy combo. And when it does take that jump, all potential to entertain, excite or amuse just keeps on plummeting. Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) are a bro-sis witch-killing machine, always at the ready to whack anyone with a wand, a pointy black hat, or a flying broomstick.
CRAZY HEART (M)
***
8.30pm SBS
Hard-drinking country singer Bad Blake (Jeff Bridges) blew it all, and then some. But as is often the case at the movies, what blows around has a funny way of coming around. What keeps this indie drama just the right side of average is a brilliantly measured, Oscar-winning performance by the great Jeff Bridges. Co-stars Maggie Gyllenhaal, Colin Farrell.
45 YEARS (M)
****
7.45pm WORLD MOVIES
A searing drama charged with raw, yet poignant fury, tracking a couple whose lengthy marriage is threatened by news of something that happened before they ever met. The astonishing performances of Charlotte Rampling (Oscar-nominated) and Tom Courtenay combine into a powder keg of repressed emotions. With just one false move — or is that one truthful word? — it feels as if their characters could combust right before you.
FIVE MOVIE PICKS FOR STREAMING OR RENTAL
1917 (MA15+)
****½
Rent via FOXTEL STORE, GOOGLE, ITUNES, YOUTUBE MOVIES
A truly exceptional cinema experience. Director Sam Mendes and cinematographer Roger Deakins have used a fascinating and highly effective technique with which to convey to 1917’s gripping story, and the nerve-shredding sensations it will undoubtedly provoke. So get your head around this: 1917 has been visually composed as one extended, seamless camera shot. You will be joining two young British soldiers on an overcast day in rural France during WW1. They are setting off on foot towards the front line to deliver a message that may save 1600 lives. The haunted, inhospitable terrain the young men must navigate to complete their mission is imposing enough in its own right. The personal fears, doubts, physical injuries and psychological impairments the young men must overcome to save themselves and so many others continue to broaden in scale and significance every step of the way. Incredible stuff. Starring George Mackay, Dean-Charles Chapman, Colin Firth, Benedict Cumberbatch.
THE EDGE OF SEVENTEEN (M)
****
NETFLIX
Though this excellent movie does cultivate a generic first impression as just another coming-of-age comedy, this incisively scripted and brilliantly acted affair quickly becomes so much more. Just as importantly, while The Edge of Seventeen does deliver as a fresh, sharp and very funny comedy, there is also a serious side to its storytelling that gives the film a rare weight and wisdom. The key to the movie’s success is where we find its hopelessly lost lead character. Nadine (played to perfection by Hailee Steinfeld) is sixteen years of age, and doing it tough both at home and at high school. An already messy life is scattered to the four winds when her only close friend (Haley Lu Richardson) begins dating her older brother (Blake Jenner). The meltdown that follows sees Nadine move from merely feeling sorry for herself towards becoming a danger to herself. Watch for a superbly wry support turn from Woody Harrelson as the heroine’s unwitting mentor.
FOOTLOOSE (M)
***
NETFLIX
First things first: how does Footloose 2.0 stack up against the original? Tough question. The newer version is superior in most departments. The standard of acting is slightly higher. The standard of dancing is light years better. Script and direction are tighter, punchier and to the point. However — and this is a big however — the original Footloose holds an enduring iconic status for ’80s tragics. The story remains pretty much the same as before, a perky little melodrama pitting old against young, cool against square, and those with rhythm against those that ain’t. Newcomer Kenny Wormald does a solid job stepping into the teen-rebel shoes made famous by Kevin Bacon. Co-stars Julianne Hough, Dennis Quaid.
MILE 22 (MA15+)
***
FOXTEL, STAN
The nicest thing you can say about this ultra-violent thriller is that it does not want to play nice. Hardcore action fans who have had it up to here with middling escapist fare pulling the very punches it should be throwing should be all across this one. A screw-loose US black-ops agent (Mark Wahlberg) has a handful of hours to deliver a package from one side of an unnamed Asian metropolis to the other. The package turns out to be a local cop (Indonesian martial-arts genius Iko Uwais) with a secret code in his memory and political asylum on his mind. The bone-breaking ballet danced by the punishing physical combat sequences are all that matter here, and quite rightly stick in the mind for some time afterwards.
MACBETH (MA15+)
****
STAN, VARIOUS RENTAL PLATFORMS
An onslaught of blood, sin and vengeance remains inevitable throughout Australian director Justin Kurzel’s superb new reading of Macbeth. This arresting adaptation of the most cinematic of Shakespeare’s plays is as near to definitive as Roman Polanski’s celebrated 1971 version. Michael Fassbender excels in the title role, but not in the showy, outwardly theatrical manner many might envisage. A testing, yet well-earned triumph for all involved. Co-stars Marion Cotillard, David Thewlis.
Originally published as Your night in: Every movie on Melbourne TV rated or slated
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