Seventh Son has plenty of magic, but never casts a single spell
REVIEW: It’s got Jeff Bridges with pointy whiskers! It’s got Julianne Moore as a witch! But it’s got no hope of giving you a good time!
Leigh Paatsch
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Seventh Son (M)
Director: Sergei Bodrov (Mongol)
Starring: Jeff Bridges, Julianne Moore, Ben Barnes, Alicia Vikander.
Rating : *1/2
Pedigree counts for nothing
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How about those witches, huh? No wonder everyone wants to burn them at the stake. They’re just so anti-social.
The above sentiments are regularly delivered with an exasperated shrug throughout Seventh Son, a sappy swords-and-sorcery affair based on the first of author Joseph Delaney’s popular Wardstone Chronicles books.
Hopes that this mishmash of magic spells, medieval scenery and men in tights might become a franchise to fill the same-time-next-year void left by The Hobbit are dashed from the outset here.
Jeff Bridges stars as Master Gregory, a pointy-bearded grouch who wanders old-timey forests, glades and thickets in search of magic mischief-makers to slay.
Gregory is reputedly very good at his job, but very bad at passing his time-honoured skills to the younger generation.
To date, all of the Master’s apprentices have died on the job, which does not exactly thrill his latest recruit to the ranks, Tom Ward (ex-Chronicles of Narnia regular Ben Barnes).
After passing a crash course in how to whack warlocks and witches, Tom joins Gregory on a mission to vanquish the villainous wand-waver known as Mother Malkin (Julianne Moore).
The Master and the Mother were boyfriend and girlfriend once upon a time. Now each is out to kill the other. Oh, and Tom has just started going out with Alice (Alicia Vikander), who is not only a witch, but also Malkin’s niece. Awkward.
A toxic fog of cheap effects, bland storytelling and unabashed overacting (especially from the Oscar-winning duo of Bridges and Moore) slowly descends upon proceedings, and never once threatens to lift until the closing credits.
Though there are 14 volumes in Delaney’s series of novels, Seventh Son all but ensures that won’t be a second serve any time soon.
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Originally published as Seventh Son has plenty of magic, but never casts a single spell
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