Over all the Fifty Shades Of Grey reviews? Why not try a report card then?

WITH further erratically erotic sequels now officially on the way, the time has come to grade the first Fifty Shades movie.

Fifty Shades Of Grey (MA15+)

Director: Sam Taylor-Johnson (Nowhere Boy)

Starring: Jamie Dornan, Dakota Johnson, Kate Mumford, Luke Grimes, Jennifer Ehle.

Rating: **1/2

Spank you, and good night

Well, we’ve all now had seven full days to live with (or look the other way from) the arrival of the Fifty Shades Of Grey phenomenon on screen.

Just as the book by E.L. James was a pile of perfumed fertiliser, the movie gives off a fragrant array of fumes that can addle the judgment of the with-it and the without-a-clue alike.

As global ticket sales for the week cruise past $300 million, Fifty Shades Of Grey doesn’t need another review. But with further erratically erotic sequels now officially on the way, it sure could use a report card:

Judgement day ... Does Fifty Shades of Grey deserve a sequal?

JAMIE DORNAN AS CHRISTIAN GREY:C-

Dornan has shown elsewhere (most notably, the TV series The Fall) that he can act. However, out of either choice or necessity, this one particular tool in his skill set is rarely used here.

The robotic manner in which he recites iconic 50SOG lines like “I’m not the man for you. You should steer clear of me,” bring on way too many (non-sexual) groans.

DAKOTA JOHNSON AS ANASTASIA STEELE:A-

A real find who is the real reason many have found the movie better than they expected. Can be funny when she needs to be, and remains a (relatively) believable human being at all times. Though Johnson has to suffer the same storytelling indignities as Dornan, she is never intimidated by them.

THE SUPPORTING CAST:D-

Barely exist for any reason, aside from briefly reminding us Christian and Ana have family, friends, people who work for/with them, etc. Best of a blocked-out bunch are Jennifer Ehle (as Ana’s mum) and Kate Mumford (Ana’s roommate).

Highest mark ... The only actor to receive an A was Dakota Johnson as the Anastasia Steele. Picture: Supplied.

AS SERIOUS DRAMA:E

Awful. Gets it wrong by overly celebrating Christian’s affluence, arrogance and right to whack a woman when and where he wants.

AS UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY:B-

The movie’s ability to find laughs in places where they should not be is actually a welcome saving grace.

PLOT: D

The story’s origins as Twilight fan fiction are all obvious. Just like the Twilight movies, very little happens unless absolutely necessary.

An hour’s worth of material is given two hours of screen time in which to stretch, yawn and take a good lie down. The backstories of the leading characters are nowhere near as important as their backsides.

DIALOGUE:F

Best that can be said: it is in English, and it is audible. Key line: “My tastes are very singular. You wouldn’t understand.”

Originally published as Over all the Fifty Shades Of Grey reviews? Why not try a report card then?