Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, Antonio Banderas and Wesley Snipes muscle in as Expendables hit road to Assmanistan

THE Expendables 3: Leigh Paatsch rates the new old guns — and talks a pop at Sly Stallone — as Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, Antonio Banderas and Wesley Snipes join the fray.

Mel Gibson in a scene from The Expendables 3.

IT’S not hard to understand why the first two Expendables productions were recipients of a leave pass from usually discerning fans.

Both outings plugged into a nostalgia for the gory glory days of action movies, when men were men, dialogue was optional, and body counts were expected to hit triple figures by the end of the opening act.

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As a decorated warrior from that bygone era, Sylvester Stallone knew exactly which of his fossilised peers should be excavated for a belated bonus payday. Age was no barrier. Heck, Chuck Norris was 72 at the time of The Expendables 2.

Just as long as you had the prior credits, a functioning pulse and no shame, you were on the team. The likes of Mickey Rourke, Jean-Claude van Damme and Bruce Willis have all temporarily gritted their teeth and shredded some extras full of ammo under the Expendables banner.

Old dogs Dolph Lundgren and Arnold Schwarzenegger are proud to be repeat offenders, as are (slightly) younger pups such as Jason Statham and Terry Crews.

All of which brings us to The Expendables 3. Going on what we already know, a review is not as nearly necessary as a roll call.

It’s an amiably aggressive shambles, just like its predecessors. So let’s focus on who’s new to the zoo, shall we?

Mel Gibson has been hauled from his real-world naughty corner to play this episode’s arch-villain, an international arms smuggler trading under the archly villainous name of Conrad Stonebanks.

Now, while Mel could serve up a deranged nut cake like this in his sleep, he elects to stay awake for the duration of the film.

In fact, he delivers the only real acting to be seen here. Sure, it is wasted energy on his part, but Gibson wants to remind one and all there is still some voltage left in his batteries, bless him.

Harrison Ford bobs up now and then as the Expendables’ CIA handler Max Drummer. In most scenes, he gives off the vibe of a man who has just been dragged from his trailer, and is impatiently waiting for someone to drag him back.

Antonio Banderas wins the movie’s “I’m Way Too Excited To Be Here” award as the jumpy, chatty mercenary Galgo.

Wesley Snipes is all business, all the time as Doctor Death, a long-lost Expendable who is spectacularly rescued from captivity in the film’s one great action sequence. Snipes is in fine form here, actually, and even slips in a gag about why he’s been off the grid for so long.

Later developments see the introduction of some youthful new recruits, all of whom are on the wrong side of 35 in Expendables terms. They are a forgettable bunch who chew up way too much screen time.

Anything else to report? Sly Stallone’s ability to simultaneously speak and rearrange his facial muscles will soon be something to be discussed only in the past tense.

Should there be an Expendables 4, one of those statues from Easter Island could easily take over his role without anyone noticing.

Oh, and in what might stand as the most genius moment in screenwriting for 2014, the finale of The Expendables includes a suicide mission to one of the most treacherous hot spots on the planet.

A nation with a name that strikes fear into the heart of cartographers and atlas editors everywhere: Assmanistan.

The Expendables 3 (M)

Director: Patrick Hughes (Red Hill)

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, Antonio Banderas, Wesley Snipes

Verdict: Two stars. Everything old is old again

Originally published as Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, Antonio Banderas and Wesley Snipes muscle in as Expendables hit road to Assmanistan