Mega free-to-air weekend movie guide
Movies to satisfy every taste are on free-to-air TV over the coming nights. Leigh Paatsch casts a discerning eye over what’s hot and what’s not.
Leigh Paatsch
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FRIDAY
TWISTER
***
8:30 PM CHANNEL 9
Two rival groups of weather scientists (led by Bill Paxton, Cary Elwes and Helen Hunt) chase tornadoes around Oklahoma in a vain attempt to become the industry leaders in wind research. As far as mindless movie destruction on a large scale goes, Twister is a gusty, gutsy triumph of special-effects over substance. It might well be an amusement park ride of a film with little narrative sustenance apart from 300 utterances of “C’mon, let’s go, letsgeddouttahere, hurry, hurry, hurry!!!”, but what a price to pay for a spectacular visual tiptoe through all of nature’s fury? Forget Die Hard. This is Blow Hard, and its a blast (especially if you’ve got a big-screen telly).
INTO THE STORM
***
10:50 PM CHANNEL 9
To its catastrophic credit, Into the Storm knows its audience is here for nothing but the weather. The more extreme, the better. Much of the meteorological mayhem transpires around the small town of Silverton, a fictional hamlet sitting smack-bang at the centre of the flatlands of the US Midwest. A system of five magnificent mega-tornadoes — any of whom can display more personality than the whole cast combined - are about to swarm upon Silverton for one hell of a gusty get-together. The insanely inclement special-effects sequences (sonically boosted by a relentlessly whooshing sound design) will have all ducking for cover throughout.
CRAZY RICH ASIANS
***1/2
8:30 PM CHANNEL 7
With its provocative title and a web of irresistibly tangled plotlines, Kevin Kwan’s 2013 novel Crazy Rich Asians was an instant publishing sensation. The inevitable film adaptation wisely hasn’t gone and fixed what clearly isn’t broken. Anyone who has a weakness for clever feelgood comedies, fairytale romance, high fashion, great food and/or utterly charming performances are going to be bowled over by how strong this movie connects with each and every pleasure centre. All storytelling roads intersect in a blinged-up Singapore doubling down on the glitz and glamour as the city’s society wedding of the decade approaches. As a madcap, mega-affluent array of family and friends arrive for the nuptial revelry, American-raised Rachel (Constance Wu) discovers her Singaporean boyfriend Nick (Henry Golding) belongs to the richest old-money clan in all of Southeast Asia.
X-MEN: THE LAST STAND
***
7:30 PM 7MATE
A reinvigorating return to form for the franchise after the second-episode sluggishness of X2. This time around, Professor Xavier (Patrick Stewart) and his School for the Gifted are coming to grips with a back-from-the-dead Jean Grey (Famke Janssen), while sworn foe Magneto (Ian McKellen) and his Brotherhood are up in arms over a supposed ‘cure’ for their genetic supremacy. Hardly the most memorable movie around, but ferocious fun while it lasts. Co-stars Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Kelsey Grammer.
X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE
**
9:40 PM 7MATE
Emphatically overblown. Slightly underwhelming. Intermittently exciting. Consistently confusing. This blockbuster X-Men prequel is all of these things, and sadly, not much more. While the big-budget production does feature a smattering of top-notch fight sequences, the filmmakers’ best intentions are often thwarted by erratic scripting and editing choices. The storyline charts the formative years of the mutant feral fighting machine Wolverine (Hugh Jackman). Events unfold in a very choppy, incoherent fashion. Only a sub-plot involving Wolvie’s blood feud with his black-sheep brother (an excellent Liev Schreiber) earns its keep. Disappointing. Co-stars Ryan Reynolds, Danny Huston.
THE BUTLER
***
8:30 PM 7FLIX
A simple, sweet and crowd-pleasing drama inspired by the life of Eugene Allen, who served as head butler at the White House for 34 years. He is represented by the character of Cecil Gaines (played by Forest Whitaker), who becomes a silent witness to the best and worst decisions made by eight consecutive US Presidents. In other hands, Gaines might have wound up as Forrest Gump in a dinner suit. However, Whitaker’s graceful restraint keeps proceedings on an even keel throughout. The cast of The Butler is diverse, to say the very least. Some of the Presidents work (Alan Rickman as Ronald Reagan, Liev Schreiber as Lyndon B. Johnson). Some do not (John Cusack as Richard Nixon, James Marsden as JFK). Some of the most credible and moving acting comes from TV talk show host Oprah Winfrey as Gaines’ wife, a recovering alcoholic. Not the most subtle of movies overall, but does offer some valid insights into the evolution of modern race relations in America.
MY COUSIN VINNY
****
11.15pm 7FLIX
This very amusing courtroom chuckler proved that longtime Scorsese fave Joe Pesci (GoodFellas, Raging Bull) had a serious gift for comedy. In fact, it’s a shame he never made more of it. Anyway, Pesci’s performance here as a under-qualified lawyer thrown in at the deep end is brilliant, as is the Oscar-winning support of Marisa Tomei as his unusually perceptive girlfriend.
DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER
**1/2
8:30 PM GEM
The late Sean Connery’s worst effort as James Bond by a clear distance. Returning to the role after a four-year breather, Connery was flabby, crabby and barely interested. Nevertheless, still watchable because of Blofeld’s villainous presence and a funky Las Vegas setting.
THE LAST AIRBENDER
*
7:30 PM GO!
Tragically clunky adaptation of the much-respected Nickelodeon anime TV series Avatar: The Last Airbender. What can be discerned from a impenetrable tale is that there is a world where certain folk can ‘bend’ one of the following four elements : fire, water, air and earth. Then along happens a once-in-a-lifetime kid (newcomer Noah Ringer) who can bend the whole lot. As director M. Night Shyamalan (The Sixth Sense) blunders on, coherency becomes increasingly more elusive. Sudden bursts of narration fail to help. An occasional shuffle of title cards makes everything worse. And endless expository stating of the unobvious by the cast is bizarre in the extreme.
HELLBOY 2: THE GOLDEN ARMY
***
9:30 PM GO!
After making one of the greatest films of the mid-2000s (the haunting WW2 paranormal fantasy Pan’s Labyrinth), director Guillermo del Toro was simply showing off with this visually stunning action movie sequel. There are so many audacious ideas and fantastical pictures pouring off the screen, you barely notice the title character. This cigar-chomping, wise-cracking mutant superhero (played by Ron Perlman) is the missing link between The Incredible Hulk and Homer Simpson.
THE FIFTH ELEMENT
**
7:35 PM WORLD MOVIES
Bruce Willis stars in this expensively-produced sci-fi meddle as a New York aerial taxi driver who alone can stop the Earth from being crushed by a comet-like superplanet of pure evil. The whole movie is stamped by an incredibly dazzling level of intricate visual detail, but blows its chances by trying to tell too many stories at once. Can only be likened to watching a great-looking video game being played with nobody at the controls. The brains behind The Fifth Element would have been better off adding a sixth element - common sense - to the plot, and allowing it to form a bridge between the film’s fantastic visual appeal and its ramshackle plot.
SELMA
****
9:35 PM WORLD MOVIES
A captivating chronicle of the late, great Martin Luther King Jr. at the height of his powers. The year is 1965, and King (a star-making performance by unheralded British actor David Oyelowo) is at loggerheads with US President Lyndon B. Johnson (Tom Wilkinson) over the brutal obstructions stopping African-Americans exercising their right to vote. Matters come to a head in the town of Selma, Alabama, where King’s leadership of a tumultuous civil rights march will ultimately change history for the better. Powerfully acted and written, with Oyelowo’s channeling of King’s majestic oratory skills a spine-tingling wonder to behold.
SATURDAY
NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM
**1/2
7:30 PM 7FLIX
A below-par Ben Stiller stars as a nervy nightwatchman trying to reign in the chaos that breaks out in a museum every evening. Thankfully, the special-effects used to simulate the static exhibits coming to life (dinosaurs, statues, warriors etc) are both strong and varied enough to prevent a totally worn-out welcome. Based on the book by Milan Trenc. Co-stars Robin Williams, Carla Gugino.
PHENOMENON
**
9:15 PM 7FLIX
John Travolta sleepwalks through an ‘ordinary man as guru genius’-type movie. George Malley (Travolta) is a simple nice-guy mechanic knocked over by a blinding flash of light on the night of his 37th birthday. Lo and behold, he becomes the kind of fella who could easily win the lot on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?. Yep, he’s brainy all of a sudden, is George - he can now speak fluent Spanish, play chess like he made up the rules himself. and read a half-dozen technical books a day with total photographic comprehension. But if adding another digit to the length of his IQ isn’t enough for George, he also now has the ability to cause household objects to rise by holding his hand over them. By George, George can even predict earthquakes!
MAMMA MIA!: HERE WE GO AGAIN
***
7:30 PM CHANNEL 9
This is a rare movie sequel that markedly improves upon everything everybody so enjoyed about the original. That first movie was just a jukebox musical reimagined as an all-ABBA karaoke session, conducted on cut-price ouzo night. The sequel pulls off the same feat as before, boosted by a sure shot of pure, giddy uplift. Though the soundtrack must mostly make do with second-choice selections from the Swedish supergroup’s bulky back-catalogue, the songs used are, for the most part, beautifully, joyfully and (thank heavens) tunefully handled. Lily James is wonderful as a younger incarnation of (a conspicuously absent) Meryl Streep, while the spectacular final-act entrance of Cher to belt out Fernando takes the entire party to a gleeful next level. Co-stars Amanda Seyfried, Colin Firth.
PITCH PERFECT 3
***
9:40 PM CHANNEL 9
If ever a flimsy film franchise was going to fold in on itself by instalment three, you would bet the house it would be Pitch Perfect. So credit where it is due to the makers of PP3: this final collection of the a capella antics of the Barden Bellas stands up surprisingly OK. Nevertheless, it should be stated that this is best addressed as a fans-only affair. If you haven’t already succumbed to the selective charms of Beca (Anna Kendrick), Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson) and the gang, there is nothing here that is about to change your mind. However, those who have happily held a torch for all things Pitch Perfect will be quite excited by an unlikely change of direction. At its core, there is a lightweight action-adventure plot propelling the movie. That’s right. Between the sudden singalongs and stoo-pid running jokes, there will be gunfire and explosions as the Bellas work as entertainers for the US military all over Europe. Co-stars Elizabeth Banks, Ruby Rose, John Lithgow.
THE LOVE GURU
*
11:35 PM CHANNEL 9
It all came to an end right here for the once-mega-popular funnyman Mike Myers (Austin Powers, Wayne’s World). He plays a dodgy lifestyle guru from a foreign land looking to convert the US and the rest of the world to his shonky beliefs. Remarkable only for how many gags the writers derive from the sight of copulating elephants, Indian-sounding words for male genitalia and the occasional audio simulation of backfiring bowels. Myers has this unerringly creepy way of delivering punchlines straight to camera and laughing like a ninny. He does it too quickly - almost desperately - as if he knows the audience won’t be chuckling once the joke is told.
JOHNNY ENGLISH REBORN
*
7:00 PM GEM
Despite what the title promises, comedy is dead to Rowan Atkinson here. The British funnyman can’t find any vital signs in the flat-lining Johnny English character, a shoddy combo of a crap James Bond, a more talkative Mr Bean, and The Pink Panther’s Inspector Clouseau wizzout ze Frahnch accent. Moderately funny if you still laugh like a drain at people walking into stuff, falling off stuff, and have their private parts inadvertently collide with stuff. Chillingly unfunny if you don’t.
DEN OF THIEVES
***
8:45 PM GO!
Do the initial math on Den of Thieves, and there is no chance it will compute. At a duration of 140 minutes. this trashy, splashy heist thriller runs longer than most Oscar contenders. Then there is leading man Gerard Butler, fresh from one of the stalest, stupidest event films in recent history, Geostorm. Factor in a first-time director, and a support cast comprised of relative unknowns (O’Shea Jackson Jr. from Straight Outta Compton might ring a faint bell), complete unknowns, and rapper 50 Cent, and there seems to be no chance this could possibly add up. And yet, it does. Sometimes in a fine, forceful style indeed. While there are plenty of ear-shattering shootouts and bone-breaking fight scenes to give hardcore action fans the rush they demand, there is also a twisty, turny story, many well-defined characters and a ripping final-act bank robbery sequence to delve into should the mood take you. Butler plays an unorthodox and under-the-weather cop at loggerheads with the best crook in Los Angeles.
SCREAM 4
***
8.30PM 10 SHAKE
A more-than-(dis)respectable re-activation of the popular horror brand after more than a decade. There is not too much of the Scream 4 plot that needs to be telegraphed in advance. As expected, the franchise’s indestructible heroine, Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell), is once again a magnet for brandished blades. Lively feel-bad fun. Co-stars Emma Roberts, Rory Culkin.
THE FRONT RUNNER
**
9:30 PM SBS
Not often you see any movie get the better of Hugh Jackman. Nevertheless, this dramatically impotent sex- scandal drama does a real number on the likeable and hard-working Australian star. That wonky wig glued to his noggin is certainly a slight eyesore throughout. But hardly compares to the intense earsore caused by the empty platitudes and unconvincing denials continually coming out of Jackman’s gob. In a selectively accurate telling of a true story that melted down the media in 1988, Jackman plays ill-fated US Presidential aspirant, Gary Hart. During a break from the campaign trail, Hart was sighted on a boat off the coast of Florida in the arms of a woman that was not his wife. The boat’s name was Monkey Business. The woman’s name was Donna Rice. The movie barely bothers depicting the incident or giving much of a voice to the traumatised Rice, preferring to instead lament how the hapless Hart and his advisors tried and failed to weather the media storm that followed.
CALL ME BY YOUR NAME
****
11:40 PM SBS
The time and place vividly conjured here is a 1980s summer in northern Italy. However, once the story kicks in, the overwhelming beauty of the movie does not seem to matter as much. What comes to the fore even more powerfully is a certain state of mind captured in fine detail. Anyone who can remember what it was like to fall in love for the first time - that moment where the here and now were all that mattered, and the how and why could wait forever - will recognise the aching accuracy of what this captivating movie conveys. Elio (Timothée Chalamet) is 17 years of age, the only child of an American father (Michael Stuhlbarg) and French mother (Amira Casar), living an idyllic year-round existence in the Italian countryside. Upon the arrival of a visitor from America for an extended stay - Oliver (Armie Hammer), a graduate student in his mid-twenties - Elio finds himself drawn to the good-looking guest in ways he cannot fully understand. Or, for that matter, hide.
SUNDAY
LETHAL WEAPON 4
**1/2
8:30 PM 7 MATE
So-so sequel. Best scene is found right at the very start. A Ned Kelly-armoured lone gunman is turning the streets of LA into a one-man fireworks display. In-between the booms, bangs and bullets, Officers Riggs (Mel Gibson) and Murtagh (Danny Glover) are casually swapping some baby news. Riggs’ long-suffering girlfriend Lorna (Rene Russo) is expecting, as is Murtagh’s daughter. One Full Monty-style rendition of the ‘Birdie Dance’ later - in which we get to learn more about Murtagh’s preferred style of underwear than we really needed to know - and a exploding fuel tanker is climbing high into the heavens. The rest of the movie is a slow roll downhill from here.
ALEXANDER AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE
**
7:00 PM 7 FLIX
A jumpy, but rather joyless family flick based on the beloved 1970s picture book by Judith Viorst. While everything good just happens like clockwork to the rest of his family, 12-year-old trouble magnet Alexander (Ed Oxenbould) never, ever gets an even break. Just once, he wishes, why can’t the tables be turned? Sure enough, on the day canvassed by this movie’s epic title, Alexander catches every lucky break he so surely deserves. Sadly, all the life and vitality of the original book rarely surfaces in this average adaptation. Many of the antics of Alexander and his clan - a likable enough bunch - come across as too processed, too contrived and far too rehearsed. The Diary of a Wimpy Kid movies do this stuff so much better. Co-stars Steve Carell.
WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT
***
8:30 PM 7 FLIX
The best thing Tina Fey (TV’s 30 Rock) has done as a film performer by a considerable space. She plays a woman in her early forties experiencing an unlikely change of career: reporting the war in Afghanistan as an embed with US troops. Though uneven, the film excels when depicting the close bonds that form amongst those both covering and caught up in one life-or-death situation after another. Co-stars Margot Robbie, Martin Freeman.
G.I. JOE: RETALIATION
*1/2
7:30 PM GO!
Same-ish, lame-ish sequel to 2009’s inexplicable action hit G.I. Joe : Rise of the Cobra. Channing Tatum (Magic Mike) is the marquee draw, but he’s MIA for much of the picture. The literal grunt work is handled by Dwayne Johnson, Bruce Willis and a cavalcade of no-namers. Story? You’re expecting one? OK. The US Prez has gone rogue and ordered a hit on his own G.I. Joe fighting force. They lash back by going rogue themselves. Out comes the ammo. Stuff explodes. More ammo. Baddies die. The End. We hope.
THE EXPENDABLES 2
**1/2
9:40 PM GO!
A near-lethal shot of testosterone administered through the eyes, full of strange-looking men aged 50 and above. Best brace yourself for scenes where lights are too bright, or shirts have come off. Many of these cinematic geriatrics look as if they’ve got their local plastic surgeon on speed-dial, and a jar of human-growth hormones in the fridge. I might also add that The Expendables 2 is a horrible action picture that is horribly entertaining. Sylvester Stallone (66 years of age at the time of filming) and his posse of past-their-prime pulverisers - led by Chuck Norris (72), Arnold Schwarzenegger (65), Bruce Willis (57), Dolph Lundgren (54) and Jean-Claude Van Damme (51) - have a grand old time revisiting their former gories.
TEN CANOES
****1/2
9:35 PM NITV
Over 1000 years ago in Arnhem Land, a wise tribal elder spins a comically cautionary yarn to his lovestruck younger brother. The raw power of the story - rife with myth, magic and misadventure - blends brilliantly with an earth, universally appealing sense of humour. Filmed on location with a wonderful all-amateur cast and an all-embracing spirit that is utterly infectious. A trailblazing triumph for Australian cinema on its own unique terms. Stars David Gulpilil (narrator), Jamie Gulpilil, Crusoe Kurddal.
Originally published as Mega free-to-air weekend movie guide