Mega free-to-air weekend movie guide
We’re still in lockdown but great films can help us get through. Leigh Paatsch rates every movie on free-to-air TV on Saturday and Sunday nights so you can pick the best movie for your night in.
Leigh Paatsch
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FRIDAY
CHAPPIE
**1/2
10:20 PM 7MATE
Frustratingly scrappy, but admirably ambitious gangsta fairytale from acclaimed director Neill Blomkamp (District 9, Elysium). This is the strange tale of a police robot programmed to feel human emotion, only to fall into the hands of crooks ready to exploit the innocent machine for their own nefarious means. On a storytelling level, Chappie mixes a sweetness and a swagger that becomes quite addictive. However, your real chances of enjoying Chappie will come down to how exciting you find its generous collection of splenetic (and sometimes gruesome) action sequences. Stars Dev Patel, Hugh Jackman.
CHICKEN LITTLE
*1/2
6:45 PM 7FLIX
The sky is falling, and so are the fortunes of this substandard animated comedy with each passing minute. Zach Braff provides the voice of the panic-stricken clucker who (I’m not making this up) becomes the planet’s first line of defence against an alien attack.
THE SECOND BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL
**1/2
8:30 PM 7FLIX
After 2012’s The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel proved to be the breakout hit of 2012, the makers of the obligatory sequel wisely elected not to mess about with their winning formula. Therefore most of your favourite past-it Poms are still living it largely for laughs in a rustic retirement hostel in Jaipur, India. The most notable new guest on the register is Richard Gere, playing an undercover hotel inspector. There’s a wedding about to happen, a few strained relationships ready to snap, and a lot of familiar repartee to work through. As it’s all designed to do little more than put smiles on faces and minds on autopilot, this is a job well done. Stars Maggie Smith, Judi Dench, Bill Nighy, Celia Imrie.
A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES
***1/2
8:30 PM CH. 9
Though hard-boiled crime author Lawrence Block has penned a stack of well-received books, movie adaptations have been sporadic. A great place is start is this gritty, greyed-out film noir featuring Block’s most enduring creation, lone-wolf New York private eye Matthew Scudder. It should be mentioned the role of Scudder, a lifelong alcoholic perpetually hovering between recovery and relapse, is played by Liam Neeson. This could be a deal breaker for many potential viewers. For many years, Neeson has been flooding the market with formulaic fare that has positioned him as a mature-age Mr Vengeance. No need to worry here: this very strong thriller is the best thing Neeson has done for ages.
THE DARK KNIGHT
****1/2
8:30 PM GO!
A brilliant sequel to 2005’s franchise-reinvigorating Batman Begins. This angrily adrenalised and unapologetically forceful motion picture is a superhero movie par excellence, pitting a conflicted Batman (Christian Bale) against psychopathic new-crim-on-the-block The Joker (Heath Ledger). Some hard line and often malevolent stuff going on here, but there is real intelligence and artistry thrown into the mix at all times. The acting is top-notch (led by an amazing Ledger) and the action sequences are the best of the year so far. Highly, heavily recommended. Co-stars Aaron Eckhart, Michael Caine.
DIVERGENT
***
9:00 PM 10 PEACH
No prizes for assuming this adaptation of the best-selling young-adult novel by Veronica Roth is kind of like The Hunger Games. OK, so it isn’t quite as filling, but it still does the trick. The setting is the 22nd century, and all is not well for what remains of mankind. Society is divided into five distinct factions. Those that do not fit are not long for this world. Shailene Woodley stars as the gritty teenage heroine Tris, who must keep her dangerous status as a “divergent” – a person who exhibits traits of more than one faction – a closely-guarded secret. Action scenes are strong, and storyline fascinates just enough to warrant further instalments. Co-stars Kate Winslet.
THE BREAKER UPPERERS
***
8:00 PM WORLD MOVIES
This uneven, yet endearing comedy from New Zealand didn’t quite cut it in cinemas, but ares much better on the small screen. If the movie does not reach its full potential in most eyes, it is certainly not because it stars two complete unknowns in Jackie van Beek and Madeleine Sami (who also share directing and writing duties here). This pair have a warped chemistry that is both instantly accessible and consistently hard to resist. They play best friends who run a business ending relationships for partners who desperately want out of the whole damn thing. It is a great premise very cleverly established in the opening act, but a strong, coherent film never quite emerges. Some solid laughs are still there though.
JOURNEY’S END
**1/2
9:30 PM WORLD MOVIES
In this worthy, if slightly stilted screen adaptation of the classic 1928 stage play by R.C. Sherriff, we are transported to the trenches of Aisne in northern France as World War 1 is about to draw to a close. A small band of British soldiers are going about their business as usual, in spite of knowing deep down their next assignment has the makings of a suicide mission. This film’s theatrical origins are both a blessing and a curse here. Sheriff’s long, wordy exchanges remain as beautifully written and quietly powerful as ever. However, director Saul Bibb has his work cut out sustaining a strong cinematic momentum. Stars Asa Butterfield, Sam Claflin, Paul Bettany, Toby Jones.
SATURDAY
KONG: SKULL ISLAND
***1/2
7:30 PM 7MATE
Since becoming the subject of Hollywood’s first great creature feature more than eighty years ago, King Kong has been waiting patiently for another production worthy of his iconic standing in motion picture folklore. Now, with Kong: Skull Island – a pulpy action-adventure spectacle that captures both the ferocity and the fun so intrinsic to the King Kong experience – the wait is finally over. This is a loud, chest-thumping, seat-shaking B-movie that just keeps racking up A-grade results in all the departments that matter. At all times, the special-effects are jaw-dropping, the pacing is pulse-raising, and the plotting throws enough crazy curveballs into the mix to keep an audience alert and amused. First impressions are everything in a movie like this, and the initial look we get at Kong both impresses and intimidates in a lasting manner. Stars Tom Hiddleston, Brie Larson.
THE LONG KISS GOOD NIGHT
***1/2
9:55 PM 7MATE
Director’s Cut version of a very under-rated thriller. A car crash reconnects suburban schoolteacher Samantha (Geena Davis) with a long-forgotten past. As the flashbacks increase in both repetition and intensity, a low-rent detective (Samuel L. Jackson) unmasks Samantha’s former identity as an undercover killer for the American government. Despite its often basic action structure, there is enough substance in the script to intrigue those viewers who normally look down on movies loaded-up with blasts, blows and blood.
GROUNDHOG DAY
*****
8:45 PM 7FLIX
A brilliant comedy about living the same day of a life over and over again. Bill Murray is a snooty TV weatherman stuck in a time-warp during a quaint festival marking the onset of winter. Anyone who has dreams of becoming a screenwriter should examine the flawless structure of Groundhog Day. Right up there with The Truman Show, Being John Malkovich and The Matrix for taking a tough idea and making it work. The movie would be nothing without Murray’s superb performance, however. Keep an eye on how his character develops in depth and self-awareness as he desperately looks for a way out of the rut.
WANTED
***
11:55 PM 7FLIX
Hardcore violent action is the order of the day here, but its use is not entirely gratuitous. A meek office worker (James McAvoy) is invited to join a secret society of assassins running a commercial textile mill. This flat premise is propelled skywards by the visionary direction of Russian filmmaker Timur Bekmambetov (Day Watch, Night Watch). Some of his set-piece sequences – such as a train wreck over a cavernous gorge – are truly stunning, anarchically mesmerising works of art. Oh, and Angelina Jolie is in this too, as beautiful, dangerous and aloof as she ever was.
JUMANJI: WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
***
7:30 PM CH. 9
Kind of a sequel. Kind of a reboot. Kind of happy to do its own thing. That’s the wash-up for this frenetic follow- up to the cherished 1995 family adventure gem Jumanji. As everyone should recall, the original movie followed its young characters as they were caught inside a board game come to life. A generation on, and the stereotypical youths of this tale are now stuck inside a video game come to life. But wait, there’s more (arguably, too much more). All the teens have now been body-swapped into adult avatars. Which means a nerdy teenage guy will now have the brawny bravado of a Dwayne Johnson. A mousy teenage girl will now have the babe-licious bravado of a Karen Gillan. (Oh, and in the movie’s best jokey twist, a foxy teenage girl will now have the flabby frame of a Jack Black.) No doubt, this is empty-calorie escapist fun for the most part, even it sometimes overcooks what remains a simple recipe to entertain.
THE SPY WHO DUMPED ME
***
9:50 PM CH. 9
Over time, there have been so few, purely female-driven buddy-action movies. This is one of the best efforts in the genre to date, due to the peculiar and ungainly chemistry of its two leads, Mila Kunis and Kate McKinnon. They play hapless BFFs caught up in a dangerous international conspiracy after one of them gets dumped via text message on the eve of her 30th birthday. Audrey (Kunis) thought her hunky ex (Justin Theroux) was the host of an obscure jazz podcast. Turns out he’s been running black-ops for the CIA against some mean Euro-hoods. Now Audrey and her easily distracted bestie Morgan (McKinnon) are being chased, shot at and generally harassed all over the globe.
LEGALLY BLONDE 2
**
7:00 PM GO!
Disappointing sequel. Reese Witherspoon snaps, crackles and shops when she should as the happy-go-lucky fashion victim Elle, but no amount of weapons-grade pep can get this second-hand outfit off the rack. While planning her forthcoming wedding to Emmett (a wasted Luke Wilson), Elle seizes upon the notion that the long-lost mother of her faithful chihuahua Bruiser should be invited. However, the old dear is being held against her will in a cosmetics-testing lab. So does Elle stop wearing all that make-up and picket the building? Nup. Instead, she puts the nuptials on hold and heads to Washington to persuade Congress to outlaw the use of mascara on mutts.
FIFTY SHADES FREED
*1/2
9:00 PM GO!
For those who just had to collect the set: the end to the most trouser-troubling trilogy in motion-picture history. If you were seduced in any way by the first two blockbuster kink-a-thons from the pen of author EL James, Fifty Shades Freed is here to zip up, give you a quick peck on the cheek, and disappear. The whole experience has been like a bad Tinder date that lasted three whole movies. The only redeeming feature? The lasting relief of knowing the franchise won’t ever be calling for another hook-up. For those coming late to the party: dashing dominant doofus Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) is still a mopey moneybags with mummy issues, while ditzy doormat Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) is still there to be walked all over. Any fresh developments? Well, Christian and Ana are now husband and wife. However, the heavy-breathing honeymoon for the sadomasochistic spouses is noticeably short-lived. And not just because Ana has sprung the surprise she is pregnant. Or that Christian pettily reacts to the news as if someone stole his favourite pair of studded leather undies.
CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC
**
10:00 PM 10 PEACH
The economy of most households is currently submerged in a tub of red ink. So does anyone in their right mind want a movie called Confessions of a Shopaholic? Probably not. Nevertheless, here it is: 100 unfunny-money minutes of Isla Fisher maxing out credit cards and making a move on the man of her dreams. Fisher plays a fiscally ignorant modern gal who somehow lands a job as a financial advice columnist, and then falls for her dashing young editor. Inconsequential, even for a rom-com. Co-stars Hugh Dancy.
THE RAILWAY MAN
***1/2
8:30 PM WORLD MOVIES
Decades after the cessation of hostilities in World War 2, a British returned serviceman (Colin Firth) discovers the whereabouts of the Japanese soldier who brutally tortured him on a daily basis. With full approval of his friends and the support of a loving wife, this haunted survivor travels halfway around the world, with every intention of killing the man who almost killed him. If you were unaware The Railway Man was based on a true story, you could easily write the whole thing off as only-in-the-movies hokum. It most certainly is not. Eric Lomax chronicled his remarkable personal odyssey in a moving and confronting memoir, and this gripping film adaptation does not hold back on detailing the horrifying ordeal he endured. Co-stars Nicole Kidman.
THE VIRGIN SUICIDES
****
10:40 PM WORLD MOVIES
The acclaimed debut of leading director Sofia Coppola (Lost in Translation, The Beguiled) remains very much what one would call a hushed whisper of a film. About the most vocal the movie gets is in its opening scenes, where it is curiously upfront in telling us we are about to learn why five pretty teenage sisters all killed themselves when they seemingly had so much to live for. Led by the flirtatious Lux (Kirsten Dunst), the siblings pace out their own final steps towards self-destruction with an eerily chipper disposition. With a soundtrack by the French band Air, cinematography that looks like a faded poster from a bedroom wall of 25 years ago, and a disconcerting confidence in its impenetrable mystique, The Virgin Suicides makes for a uniquely unforgettable movie experiences.
WHITNEY
****
8:35 PM NITV
The second recent documentary to chart the irresistible rise and irreversible demise of American singing legend Whitney Houston is clearly the superior offering, digging deeper and pushing harder for a fuller understanding of its talented, tragic subject. Oscar-winning filmmaker Kevin Macdonald skillfully reminds us there was more going on with Houston than just an extensive vocal range, or precision pitching. There was passion. There was soul. There was belief. There was beauty. However, whenever Houston stepped away from the microphone, an ugly reality was soon there to surround and consume her. Macdonald’s film expertly isolates the disconnect between the joy Houston found only in music, and the betrayals, denials, addictions and abuses that ultimately ended her life at just the age of 48.
SUNDAY
MRS BROWN’S BOYS: D’MOVIE
{no stars}
9.15 PM 7TWO
A consummately dreadful movie adaptation of the intermittently awful TV comedy series from Ireland. Like a bottle of Bailey’s past its use-by date and left in the sun, the gags are either on the nose or in bad taste throughout. At least on the small screen, the pain is confined to a relatively merciful half-hour. At movie length, everything goes white and time itself stands still. No.
A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD
**
8:30 PM
Let us never forget the first two Die Hard movies were ripping, gripping pulp entertainment. That was over three decades ago. Now here’s Die Hard 5, which is as hazily forgettable as 3 and 4. Most will file it away for future trivia quizzes as “the one where John McClane goes to Moscow.” John has an estranged son called Jack (Jai Courtney) who is in trouble in Russia. John goes over to save Jack. But Jack doesn’t need saving, as he’s really working undercover for the CIA. So begins a medium-paced merry-go-round of blam-blam-blam and blah-blah-blah, which includes a single double-cross twist that is too easy to pick, and several dodgy Russian accents that are too hard to stomach. An sub-par action affair, suitable only for die-hard Die Hard- ists looking to collect the set.
BACK TO THE FUTURE
****
7:00 PM GO
Hard to believe this ripping retro-futuristic adventure is nearly twenty years old. Few films since have been able to match the first (and best) instalment of the BTTF trilogy for the freewheeling sense of fantasy and fun crammed into every frame. Michael J. Fox stars as Marty McFly, a typical Eighties teen who time-travels back a decade or three to meddle in his parents-to-be’s affairs. The calendar-bending intricacies of the story are exceptionally well-explained, to such an extent it was one of the fave flicks of noted time theorist, the late Stephen Hawking.
THE TERMINATOR
****
9:20 PM GO!
The foundation stone of all things Terminator is a big, fat concrete slab of futuristic mythology drawing much of its inspiration from the works of author Harlan Ellison. The movie is unusual in that it plays just as strongly as a horror-thriller work as it does a highly efficient sci-fi actioner. At the time of release, this was a breakthrough effort for Arnold Schwarzenegger, playing the archetypal ‘bad’ Terminator sent from the future to make sure Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) does not get a chance to spawn a resistance movement destined to be led by her son John. Though the production design is a bit flimsy at times, both the big ideas at work and director James Cameron’s brilliance as a proactive, inventive filmmaker generate a powerful flow that cannot help but sweep viewers totally away.
STAR TREK: INSURRECTION
**
8:30 PM VICELAND
A Star Trek movie that spends much of its running time orbiting a great adventure, but never lands on the surface to fully investigate. There is enough on offer to sustain a Next Generation TV episode, but nowhere near enough to properly meet the demands of the big screen. The prime premise of Insurrection introduces Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart) and his crew with a tribe known as the Baku, who live on a planet that suspends its inhabitants in a state of perpetual youth. The film’s main subplots show the Enterprise crew enjoying the regenerative powers of the Baku planet to the fullest. Picard falls for a beautiful woman some 300 years his senior. Worf (Michael Dorn) finally reaches puberty. Data (brent Spiner) is re-wired with a new-found sense of fun. Cmdr. Riker (Jonathan Frakes) and Cmdr. Troi (Marina Sirtis) canoodle in a bubbling hot tub. It’s all a bit like a deep space version of Fantasy Island, really.
127 HOURS
****
10:25 PM VICELAND
There is simply no getting away from this highly under-rated work by award-winning British filmmaker Danny Boyle (Slumdog Millionaire). Adapted from the best-selling memoirs of Aron Ralston, 127 Hours is out to move viewers with the tale of a man who cannot move at all. After a hiking accident, Ralston (played flawlessly by an Oscar-nominated James Franco) is trapped inside a canyon crevasse with his right arm pinned under an 800kg rock. What Ralston must do to free himself borders on the unthinkable, but in Boyle’s assured hands, not the un-filmable. An inspired and inspiring cinema experience.
MOSTLY MARTHA
***
6:30 PM WORLD MOVIES
A neurotic chef (Martina Gedeck) driven by an obsessive need to cook for others finds that life has other flavours to offer when she becomes the guardian for her newly-orphaned niece. Touching meditation on the mending of hearts and mastering of cuisines. As far as food-centric films go, this German-prepared drama is quite a satisfying offering.
Originally published as Mega free-to-air weekend movie guide