Mega free-to-air weekend movie guide: Every film on TV this weekend rated or slated
From high-octane classics to lesser-known thrillers well worth your time, Leigh Paatsch has reviewed every movie on TV this weekend.
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Leigh Paatsch rates every movie on free-to-air TV this weekend.
FRIDAY
HOME ALONE
★★★★
8:30 PM CH.7
A very welcome December re-release to commemorate the 30th anniversary of this family classic. Don’t go feeling sorry for little Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin), OK? So what if his family abandoned him at Christmas? (Not once, but twice! Remember Home Alone 2?) Anyway, that McCallister kid knows how to fend for himself. So half-witted house burglars like Harry (Joe Pesci) and Marv (Daniel Stern) had better watch out. This wonderfully inspired movie has always been a clever, inventive affair that stands up strong to repeat visits. Expert conceptual construction from celebrated writer-director John Hughes (The Breakfast Club, Trains, Planes & Automobiles) elevates a low-flying caper comedy to great heights. It also helps that a child star with the charisma of Culkin is there to anchor proceedings – his chemistry with co-stars Pesci and Stern brings a real X-factor to the epic kids-versus-crooks battle in play.
JINGLE ALL THE WAY
★★½
6:45 PM 7 FLIX
So Arnold Schwarzenegger’s kid has been promised the hot new action doll (”Turbo Man”, a Mutant Ninja G.I. Joe) for Christmas, but Dad has forgotten to actually buy the thing. Before you can say “I’ll be back – with a gift”, Arnie has sneaked out on Christmas Eve to try and find a toy store that stocks his son’s dream present. Of course, there’s been a national rush on Turbo Man paraphernalia, so Arnie must use his man-mountain physique and mouse-size brain to keep on the good side of his neglected tyke. A mid-strength Christmas movie, memorable only for the surreal sequence where Arnie beats up a bunch of Santas, and then becomes involved in a fist fight with a reindeer.
THE SPECTACULAR NOW
★★★★
10:50 PM 7 FLIX
An unpolished gem finding new life and surprising depth in a genre most have written off as dormant and shallow. This might be a high-school romance affair, but it is one which doesn’t play by the predictable rules. Aimee (Shailene Woodley) has never had a boyfriend like Sutter (Miles Teller) before. In fact, she has never had a boyfriend, full stop. She’s led a sheltered life until now. As for Sutter, he’s been out in the open for too long. The lad has the makings of a serious drinking problem. Like last year’s Perks of Being a Wallflower, this excellent movie convincingly charts the many dramas that are part of being a teenager. The sincere chemistry that evolves between Woodley and Teller across the picture never lets its intensity nor intimacy flag for a moment. Viewers who lock into the precise storytelling frequency transmitted here will be rewarded with a connection that will continue to stir the emotions well after it is over. Co-stars Jennifer Jason Leigh, Bob Odenkirk.
KILLERS
★
8:30 PM CH. 9
Fast-paced yet slow-witted throughout – which really takes some doing – Killers is one book you can well and truly judge by its cover. Especially if the book you have in mind is Mr and Mrs Smith, with the magazine-clipping heads of Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl blocking out the preferred view of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Playing a married couple targeted by literally hundreds of hit men in their neighbourhood, Kutcher and Heigl exude all the chemistry of expired aspirin dropped in a bowl of cold soup. Terminally unfunny to an unfathomable max – and vacuously violent to boot – Killers dies before your very eyes over and over again.
THE EX
★★★
11:00 PM CH. 9
Despite the erratic editing and gaping plot holes, The Ex still gets the job done as an enjoyable throwaway comedy. Goes best when viewed as an hilarious contest in one-upmanship between the two male leads, Zach Braff and Jason Bateman. Braff plays a new employee at an ad agency, Bateman his psychopathic (and paraplegic) mentor. Co-stars Amanda Peet.
ALIENS IN THE ATTIC
★★
7:00 PM GO!
Nondescript adventure comedy about a bunch of youngsters waging war with some intergalactic invaders lodged in the roof of a holiday home. Knee-high and knuckleheaded, the aliens look suspiciously like the title characters from Gremlins, and carry on like the penguins from Madagascar. In most cases, this could still be a good thing. Here, it’s plainly average. Kids-TV-on-a-rainy-afternoon average.
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON
★★★½
8.45 PM GO!
The noisiest, boysiest instalment of the franchise. Clocking in at a mammoth two and a half hours, this is a rambunctiously hollow echo chamber of smashing glass, clanking steel, and exasperated grunts and groans. Stars Shia LaBeouf.
THE THIN RED LINE
★★½
9:30 PM WORLD MOVIES
Artsy-fartsy war movie, best likened to Saving Private Ryan pumped full of anti-insomnia medication, then sleeping it off for three full hours of screen time. It is a year after Pearl Harbour, and the American army are preparing an assault on a Japanese stronghold on the island of Guadalcanal. An enemy bunker at the top of a jungle hill must be secured. Many men are going to die to ensure that this mission is completed. Through the sombre narration of its 20 leading characters, The Thin Red Line vaguely tries to convey what runs through the mind of people staring death so blankly in the face. The answer is a simple one – in such trying situations, people will train their mind to think of any number of other places they would rather be. In the arms of a loved one. Underneath a waterfall in a beautiful tropical idyll. And so on. Stars Sean Penn, George Clooney, John Travolta.
SATURDAY
CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS
★★★
6:45 PM 7FLIX
The two most popular conversation topics of all-time – the weather and food – secure the irresistible appeal of this oddball animated comedy. The story follows a young inventor whose latest gizmo turns water into food, meaning all kinds of delicacies will rain down from on high. The engagingly ridiculous tone set here makes a great fit for some inspired visual skylarking by the animators. An expansion of Judi & Ron Barrett’s enduringly popular 1978 children’s book. Anyone who devoured the tale in their childhood won’t be too disappointed by the new recipe used here. Kids 10 and under will be lapping it all up from the get-go.
BRAVEHEART
★★★½
8:30 PM 7FLIX
As far as epics go, Braveheart was certainly a surprise packet at the time of its release. Some industry observers believed Mel Gibson was putting his career on the line believing that there was an audience out there willing to watch men in skirts fight to the death for an obscure Scottish warrior named William Wallace. The sceptics were wrong and Mel was right, and the inspirational thrall of the open-air action raised the entire period genre to a new level. Stirring re-stagings of the savage battles of Stirling and Falkirk remain the calling cards of the production, and still send a chill up the spine of even the most jaded moviegoers.
DADDY’S HOME 2
★½
7:30 PM CH. 9
Just as Bad Moms 2 added some bad grandmoms to the mix, Daddy’s Home 2 wheels in a pair of dysfunctional grandpas (Mel Gibson and John Lithgow) and hopes in vain for the best. Sadly, the results end up just as lame and lazy as they were in the original, though with a bitter aftertaste(lessness) that was never there before. The core set-up remains a frustratingly fixed proposition: Will Ferrell (nerdy and nervous) and Mark Wahlberg (cool and confident) are duelling dads bickering over how to best raise the tribe of kids they both have access to. While there are a few well-executed slapstick sequences (a strong suit of Ferrell), much of the film’s humour is worryingly off the mark (children bearing firearms and passing out drunk? really?).
THE HOUSE
★★★
9:30 PM CH. 9
The last good Will Ferrell movie comedy in living memory. Ferrell and Amy Poehler (TV’s Parks and Recreation) play a cash-strapped couple who start an underground casino in their neighbourhood. The movie can get very funny very quickly when its goes off-script, and lets loose with the silly and surreal stuff that has long been Ferrell’s strong suit. There are also some very amusing sequences about cramming the usual trappings of a gambling den (including slot machines, standover men and, umm, unsanctioned boxing bouts) into a suburban lounge room. Just don’t go trying any of this at home, OK? Nothing classic happening here, but an easy kill for laughs if dumb escapism is what you’re hunting.
MENTAL
★
11:15 PM CH. 9
This flamboyantly ill-judged Australian farce about psychological illness leaves the bitter after-tang of a true cinematic lemon. Toni Collette plays Shaz, a shrill, chaos-baiting guardian angel to four young sisters whose mother (Rebecca Gibney) has been bundled off to a psychiatric facility. To relay to you just how off its game Mental can get, please proceed to the closing minutes of the picture. The camera pulls back to reveal Ms. Collette with her pants in the descendant, and her exposed posterior in the ascendant. Subsequently, the presence of a naked flame in the room is noted. An inflammatory implement is then placed in close proximity to the Collette bottom, just as a high quantity of natural gas is released in the same area. The residence as a whole catches alight, forcing Collette to retreat to the nature strip outside, where she kicks over a number of rubbish bins in triumph. The end. A fitting conclusion to a movie that is complete garbage.
THE TIME TRAVELLER’S WIFE
★★
7:00 PM GEM
Mopey, muddled romantic drama with a faint sci-fi twist. Eric Bana stars as a librarian suffering from a genetic disorder that sends him hurtling back and forth through time without notice. Understandably, the missus (Rachel McAdams) has had it up to here with the sudden-absence thing. There’s a few clever ideas in play, but the soppy stuff prevails all too often. Based on the bestseller by Audrey Niffenegger.
THE VOW
★★★
9:10 PM GEM
This kooky romantic drama has a happy knack of wrong-footing viewers the right way, time and time again. Supposedly based on a true story, the premise pitches Rachel McAdams as a funky sculptor who contracts amnesia in a car accident, and no longer recognises hunky record-producer hubby Channing Tatum. While she reverts to a past life as a straitlaced law student, he frets and frowns upon how to rewrite a marriage that could already be history. There are some scenes where it is miraculous that Tatum and McAdams were able to remain upright, what with the huge nuggets of guilty-pleasure gold unceremoniously plonked in their way. Definitely one for both avid chick-flickers and the so-bad-it’s-good crowd.
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
★★★½
7:00 PM GO!
Dynamic, depth-charged visuals and stirring storytelling are the chief calling cards of this impressive animated adventure for children. Jay Baruchel provides the voice of Hiccup, a resourceful and thoughtful young Viking who tames the most fearsome dragon in the known world. Gets off to a frenetic, slightly jolting start before settling into a pleasant rhythm which will enchant its target audience. Based on the popular series of books by British author Cressida Cowell.
SPECTRE
★★½
9:00 PM GO!
The lavishly appointed Spectre (as the most expensive Bond picture of all-time) takes almost two and a half hours (as the longest Bond picture of all-time) to end-up as one of the most average Bond pictures of all- time. Longtime double-oh-devotees will be satisfied enough after feasting on this whopping chunk of spy candy. Less-committed onlookers will wish there had have been a little more lasting flavour to the whole sweet-and-sour experience. Almost an hour of obligatory filler (a roll call of recurring characters and cheeky tropes) passes by before James finally gets around to some truly shaking and stirring business. Though the impressively-staged action sequences vary in potency – a marathon round of vehicular parkour on the streets of Rome is a highlight, as is any combat scene that doesn’t lean too hard on weapons or explosions – they never bore. That is the job of Spectre’s snoozy bad-dude Oberhauser (Christoph Waltz), who spends more time villain-splaining, rather than committing actual acts of villainy.
I AM NUMBER FOUR
★★
8:30 PM 10 SHAKE
A dozy, excitement-challenged adventure pic for the teen market, which often plays like Twilight with an extraterrestrial twist. Lets call it sigh-fi and be done with it, shall we? Alex Pettyfer stars as a broody alien youth, hiding out in an American high school from his intergalactic enemies. To pass the time before a mildly engrossing showdown, our hero befriends a bullied nerd and boyfriends the cutest girl in class. In all honesty? A bit number two. Co-stars Dianna Agron, Callan McAuliffe, Teresa Palmer.
INSIDE MAN
★★★★½
9:25 PM WORLD MOVIES
A cocky bank robber (Clive Owen) declares he has executed the perfect heist, and this rip-roaring crime caper flick challenges its audience to work out how he did it. Even after a tense siege in a New York bank and the later cross-examination of hostages by a bamboozled cop (Denzel Washington), you will still be guessing right to the very end. The best of its kind since The Usual Suspects. Highly recommended. Co-stars Jodie Foster, Willem Dafoe, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Christopher Plummer. Directed by Spike Lee (Blackkklansman).
VOX LUX
★½
8:30 PM WORLD MOVIES
A movie with a lot on its mind, and yet, nothing to say, this is the equivalent of being trapped in a room with someone who will only stop checking their phone to check themselves out in the mirror. Marketing for the movie is shoving forward the image of Natalie Portman as a Lady Gaga-esque pop star. This part of the tale doesn’t start until almost the one-hour mark, by which time there has already been two mass shootings, the collapse of the World Trade Center, and enough awkward exchanges to fill the next three seasons of Married At First Sight. Ugh.
I, DANIEL BLAKE
★★★★
10:35 PM WORLD MOVIES
From Britain, a socially astute and incisive comedy-drama that can go from uplifting to gut-wrenching in the blink of an eye. As he has always done, master filmmaker Ken Loach (The Wind That Shakes the Barley) simply sticks to carving off a slice of life as authentically as he possibly can, and then lets the remarkably realistic results speak for themselves. The title character is a 59-year-old Newcastle carpenter sidelined by a recent heart attack. Though his doctor has advised him to wait a few months before returning to duty, an absurd loophole in the benefits system forces Daniel (played to perfection by stand-up comic Dave Johns) to spend his days hustling for jobs his severe condition will not allow him to accept.
SUNDAY
SAFE HOUSE
★★★
8:20 PM CH. 7
As we have learned from Training Day and American Gangster, whenever Denzel Washington channels his bad side, it can only be a good thing. The Washington wacko driving this pulpy freight train of a pic is Tobin Frost, a rogue CIA black-ops man who went off the grid in the late 1990s. Now back in US custody – albeit on South African soil – Frost is dragged all over Cape Town by a rookie agent (Ryan Reynolds) trying to steer clear of local armed mercenaries. As you would expect, the sociopathic gravitas so effortlessly dispensed by Washington makes a run-of-the-mill shoot-‘em-up like Safe House often seem better than it actually is. Certain to give fans of explosive action the blast they are after.
GOODFELLAS
★★★★★
8:30 PM 7 TWO
A telling reminder of why Martin Scorsese is regarded as one of the great filmmakers of our time. Goodfellas is the true story of Henry Hill (Ray Liotta), who rose swiftly through the ranks of US organised crime, only to blow it all by contravening the mob’s code on dealing in illicit drugs. Liotta’s powerhouse performance is matched in turn by former Raging Bull buddies Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci, and Scorsese’s integration of a hit-driven soundtrack with some audacious camera and editing manoeuvres remains a pure master class in movie direction.
EXODUS: GODS & KINGS
★★★
8:30 PM 7 MATE
Remember when Russell Crowe was Noah, a buff and bearded dude steering a floating zoo through an ungodly flood? This was swiftly followed by a movie featuring Christian Bale as Moses, a buff and bearded dude making that tricky transition from Ancient Egyptian military strongman to Hebrew hellraiser. It is certainly not hard to see why director Ridley Scott (Gladiator) was so keen on this project. Simply by sticking to the source text, the biblical spectacle just never lets up. There are pyramids to be built. Hundreds of thousands of slaves to be whipped. Bushes to be burned. Commandments to write. Plagues, viruses and pestilence to be unleashed from on high. And last, but by no means least, there is one huge sea to be parted, and a multitude of oppressed people to be freed. Two words of advice: this is one long movie, so plan accordingly; and any bloke in this picture wearing too much body-bronzer or guy-liner is not to be trusted.
TOP GUN
★★★★
8:30 PM CH. 9
Pure enjoyment, excitement and endlessly quotable dialogue (”I feel the need … the need for speed!”) does the trick here. So 80s it almost hurts, but the ripping aerial combat sequences and the goofy bromance of Maverick (Tom Cruise) and Goose (Anthony Edwards) more than dull the pain.
TWO WEEKS NOTICE
★★★
10:00 PM 10 PEACH
Sandra Bullock heads-up this quality romantic comedy as a perpetually flustered legal eagle named Lucy, a specialist in fighting for causes, no matter how small or unfashionable. Hugh Grant’s swinging-single corporate raider George Wade, naturally, is Lucy’s polar opposite – filthy rich since birth, and completely out of touch with the ways of the world. Yes, it does get a little sappy and saccharine at times. However, when it reverts to its most basic form (Grant and Bullock standing toe to toe and letting all those zingers do the talking), the movie harkens back to the golden days of Hepburn, Tracy, Hudson and Day.
GRACE OF MONACO
★
6:35 PM WORLD MOVIES
Viewing Grace of Monaco is like learning a flock of geese is secretly living inside your local library. It just keeps honking at the wrong times, all the time. While no better nor worse than 2013’s famously botched biopic of a royally deceased style icon – yes, that means you, Naomi ‘Princess Diana’ Watts – it is arguably more laughable and lamentable. Each minute passes in a mild panic that we might swiftly forget that Grace Kelly (played like a ditzy, Dior-clad deer in the headlights by Nicole Kidman) sacrificed a major movie career to marry a minor European royal. And so, the repeated references to real life being her “greatest role” and the incessant urgings that she “play the part” just keep on coming. Sigh.
APOCALYPTO
★
8:30 PM WORLD MOVIES
There is only one of two ways to react to every blood-spattering, skull-shattering second of this grotesquely violent movie. You will either utterly hate Apocalypto, or barely handle it. Mel Gibson’s directorial follow-up to Passion of the Christ links the fall of Mayan civilisation in the 1500s to the woes of the modern world with all the subtlety of a meat cleaver. The most disturbing aspect of Apocalypto is the pathological detail with which body after body is torn apart. Heads roll, severed limbs fall to the ground, and bones break in ways you wish you never knew. When Mel yells ‘Cut!’, you better believe it. A high-minded snuff movie, never to be forgiven, nor forgotten.
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