Some blokes drink tea. Why can’t waiters understand that?

I’m a man who drinks tea and my wife drinks coffee. Over the years, whenever we go out to a café, no matter which one, the waiter always – without fail – puts the coffee in front of me and the tea in front of my wife. Why, Guru, why?
S.C., Bondi, NSW

Credit: Drew Aitken

It could be a gender thing. Data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics shows that men drink more coffee than women, so maybe waiters are just making a gender-based assumption (and data from my own personal research shows that waiters are more likely to forget who ordered what at a table when it’s a beverage-only order because they know they’re not getting much of a tip). But there could be a non-gender reason why this is happening: maybe you and your wife look very similar and it’s confusing the wait staff, in which case try dressing differently: wear your favourite T-shirt with the smiling teacup that’s saying, “I’m a Tea-shirt!” and pop a tea cosy on your head – cute!

Or it could just be a crazy coincidence, in which case switch your seats at the last minute to fool the Divine Powers of the Cosmos (they’ll totally fall for that, they’re a pack of massive boof-heads).

But probably the simplest solution is to make your tea order as irritatingly memorable as possible: “TEA, please. English breakfast TEA! TEAbag is fine. Leave the TEAbag in. No sugar in my TEA, but could I get extra hot milk for my TEA? Also, hot water in a separate TEApot. Did I mention, leave the TEAbag in? I like my TEA with plenty of TEA flavour! TEA! I love TEA! Yummy, yummy TEA!”

Whether you stand up and sing I’m a Little Teapot and do all the arm actions is entirely up to you, but it can’t hurt.

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