Marty’s sexism is sheer gold. Now, where did I put that hammer?

So, Marty Sheargold. I heard you said on radio that you’d rather “hammer a nail through the head of [your] penis than watch” women’s soccer. I’ve got a freshly purchased toolkit and 20 minutes before the school run. If you could kindly present your nether regions to my kitchen table, I would like to test that contention. A word of warning, though. I’m a pretty wild swing, especially when some drivetime-dwelling dinosaur gets his funny on and winds me up with a series of cliches that wouldn’t raise a listless titter from a laugh track.

Marty Sheargold’s sexist cliches wouldn’t raise a listless titter from a laugh track.Credit: Aresna Villanueva

For those who missed Sheargold’s show (and recent ratings would suggest the answer is “most people”), the Triple M host took time out from faithfully reporting the pile-up du jour on the Eastern Distributor to unleash on that most obvious of Monday afternoon targets: women’s sport in general, and the Matildas specifically.

Sheer gold. Stay with me, people, you’re going to love it.

Our man, joined by co-hosts Troy Ellis and Will Ralston, was discussing the Matildas’ 2-1 loss to the US on Monday, which followed a 4-0 drubbing at the hands of Japan in the SheBelieves Cup.

One of the presenters referred to the invitational tournament: “So, we’re playing in the SheBelieves Cup,” he said, at which point Sheargold parried, “Oh, she believes in what? It better be men”.

So far, so hilarious, eh fellas? #ladyparts

If only he’d gone to an ad break. Surely someone had venetian blinds or funeral insurance to flog. Instead, listeners were treated to the sporting gospel according to Marty, who apparently missed the day they covered tortured analogies in high school because he was too busy coming over all playground anthropologist, noting the astonishing similarities between 16-year-olds in uniform and the Matildas.

“You know what they remind me of? Year 10 girls,” he said on Monday. “All the infighting and all the friendship issues and ‘the coach hates me’ and ‘I hate bloody training’ and ‘Michelle’s a bitch’. Now, I’m sorry to undermine the whole sport, but that’s what I think of it, so you can stick it up your arse.”

Thanks, Muzza. I definitely think that rant would be right at home there, but I’m too busy feeling wounded on behalf of all my fellow Michelles. We’re an acquired taste, dude. To know us is to love us.

I digress. Hockeyroos player Ambrosia Malone inadvertently delivered Sheargold’s show an unintentional ratings boost when she posted his comments on TikTok and Instagram, decrying the effect on young girls hearing them on the way to needlepoint classes, I mean, soccer training.

Matildas’ midfielder Clare Wheeler also weighed in, commenting that “sport is for everyone, and these views are for no one,” adding a vomit emoji for emphasis, while Matildas 2023 World Cup squad member Alex Chidiac wrote “so sick of this shit”. Football Australia, meanwhile, made the excellent point that the Matildas’ success has been transformative for women’s sport and that having represented their country, the players deserved to be treated with respect.

Instead, they were this morning treated to a statement from Triple M, curiously rendered in all caps: “MARTY SHEARGOLD’S COMMENTS…DO NOT ALIGN WITH TRIPLE M’S VIEWS AND VALUES AND TRIPLE M REMAINS STEADFAST IN ITS SUPPORT OF ALL WOMEN’S AND MEN’S SPORT”.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WILL SOMEONE TURN THE VOLUME DOWN? There, that’s better.

There was also an acknowledgement from Sheargold that he could “see why people may have taken offence at [his] comments”, followed by the now industry-standard “sincere apology”. He really means it, you guys. Marty has learnt a valuable lesson and now “hearts” women’s sport.

Perhaps it wasn’t enough. The broadcaster released a statement on Wednesday evening saying it had “mutually agreed to part ways” with Sheargold after the host was absent from his regular radio slot in the afternoon.

Surely it won’t be too long before another middle-aged, overpaid blowhard has a crack at ratings relevance and outrages public decency. God forbid the on-air talent ever feels the wrath of the dump button.

Far better, instead, to strap on the crash helmet and deploy the time-honoured formula of tasteless stunts, bully boy tactics and trashy language.

That reminds me, Marty, I’ve got this brilliant idea for a segment. It’s called “I Would Rather Hammer a Nail Through My Penis Than Watch Women’s Sport” and it involves you and me stress-testing your original concept using a combination of a Netflix doco on Sam Kerr, the pause button, and a spot of casual butchery. What do you say, Marty? Maaaaate, seriously, I’m all ears.

Michelle Cazzulino is a writer and regular columnist.

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