How to tackle that neighbour who won’t scoop dog poop

A woman who walks her dog past our house always lets him poo on the nature strip and never picks up the mess. What’s the best way to get revenge?
K.W., Blacktown, NSW

Credit: Simon Letch

Interesting that you want revenge rather than a solution; it just seems a bit petty and spiteful and mean-spirited. So I’m thrilled you’ve come to me: this is right up my alley.

My initial thought is that you scoop up the poo with a spade, chase the woman down the street, then say, “Excuse me, you dropped something! Here, catch!” and fling it at her. There’s a famous saying that goes, “Revenge is a dish best served cold,” but revenge can also be served warmish, around the internal temperature of a dog’s rectum.

The problem with this plan is there may be anger and swearing and fling-back, so my second thought is a bit less violent. Soak your nature strip in a combination of cayenne pepper, ammonia, vinegar and chillies, and when the dog stops for a poop, it’ll feel sickened by the smell and move onto your neighbour’s nature strip. There’s another famous saying that goes, “Revenge is sweet,” but revenge can also be sour and caustic and burn through mucous membrane.

Of course, the problem with this plan is, you’re not punishing the dog-owner, you’re punishing the dog and your neighbour and the nature strip. So here’s my final thought: wait at your front window until the dog stops for a poo and if the woman fails to pick it up, click on a dedicated phone app and enjoy the show. Because there’s another famous saying that goes, “Revenge is a water sprinkler in your front yard that’s directed towards your nature strip and operated by Bluetooth.” And this time, the saying-sayers got it pretty much right.

[e-mail]

To read more from Good Weekend magazine, visit our page at The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age and Brisbane Times.