An extramarital affair: Should we keep our wedding rings on?

I’m having a wonderful extramarital affair with a woman who’s also married. She insists we take off our wedding rings when making whoopee in respect to our partners. I think rings on is more respectful. What to do?
J.M., Wallerawang, NSW

Credit: Illustration by Simon Letch

Wallerawang sounds like the perfect place for an extramarital affair: it’s got the word “wang” in it, making it one of Australia’s premier sexy destinations, along with Burrumbuttock, Shag Head, Muff Creek and Cokum Bushland (situated in the Victorian locality of Tittybong).

The problem with Wallerawang is that it’s a tiny town, so there’s limited places to go for extramarital whoopee-making: just one motel, one hotel, or around the back of the Wallerawang Substation and Switchyard. And because the town has a tiny population, someone’s probably going to find out, loved ones will get hurt, and you could be shunned by the Wallerawangian community, forced out of town, heading south-west along Curly Dick Road.

But if you’re willing to take that risk, wedding rings need to come off while you’re making extramarital whoopee. You don’t want to be reminded of your sacred vows of faithfulness while you’re naked and upside down, attempting something called Quasimodo’s Wheelbarrow. Also, wedding rings can be clunky and scratchy, causing injuries that are tricky to explain to marital partners – so also wear socks to avoid toenail-gouging and pop a pillowcase over your head to protect your lover from stubble lacerations.

Extramarital affairs tend to have two outcomes. Either you’ll keep going for years, in which case, head to Tassie and make whoopee in the scenic surroundings of Pensioners Bush. Or things will end horribly, and you risk winding up alone, in which case, try visiting Melbourne and taking a drive along Ernst Wanke Road.

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