I was too stressed to go get coffee with my boss. Now, she won’t talk to me

Each week, Dr Kirstin Ferguson tackles questions on workplace, career and leadership in her advice column, “Got a Minute?” This week: a polite request to be left alone, a boss who won’t take feedback and a fitness instructor with a tricky question.

Sometimes good intentions can be misunderstood.Credit: Dionne Gain

I had a breakdown earlier in the year due to the stress caused by my high workload. I shared with my line manager that when I’m stressed, I prefer to be left alone, unless I ask for help. Recently, my team had a high workload again, and I felt my stress return. My line manager came to see me and asked if I wanted to get coffee and chat, to which I repeatedly said, “maybe”. I wanted to prioritise my work and thought this was the most polite way to decline. The next day, my line manager pulled me aside and chastised me. She said she had been looking forward to seeing me and said it was unprofessional for me to decline her invitation. Since then, she’s stopped speaking to me entirely outside team meetings. What else can I do to restore a normal working relationship?

I get the impression you and your line manager can work this out, but you both need to be prepared to listen and give one another a bit of grace. I suspect your boss was well-intentioned. It sounds like she wanted to check in and make sure you were OK given she knows you have had a challenging year. Her response when you declined was not great, for sure. Chastising you for not having coffee with her is not a good way to reduce stress in an already stressful environment. I can understand why you were taken aback.

I think you also intended to be helpful when you shared with your manager you like to be left alone and work things out your own way. I suppose the challenge with that approach is that your manager cares and it is her job to look out for your wellbeing. Her offer to have coffee may simply have been to make sure you were OK, but it might also have been a general catch-up. It is hard for her to understand your needs if you don’t have those kinds of conversations, so maybe you can initiate a conversation soon?

Since the start of the year, I’ve had a new manager who is new to the company. However, her first few months were mostly spent handling an underperforming employee who was ultimately terminated. Since then, she has implemented several team process changes without involvement from the other teams with whom we regularly collaborate. When my coworkers and I point this out, she shuts us down and makes it clear she isn’t looking for feedback. Our relationship has now completely broken down, and we don’t talk outside team meetings. I’m still early into my career and want to look forward to going to work, but lately, I’ve been dreading it instead. What can I do?

The brutal facts are it is very difficult to influence upwards change. If your new manager isn’t looking for feedback and is going to keep shutting you and your colleagues down, it is hard to improve the situation. I am sure that, in time, her behaviours will become a problem and hopefully her boss will do something about it. Until that time, you and your colleagues will need to find ways to work around her to get things done. That will be frustrating and demotivating, for sure. If your company does 360 reviews or engagement surveys, you should be honest about what you are experiencing.

I know you are early in your career and having a bad boss is not something anyone wants. But, we have all had one – many of us have had plenty of bad bosses. Pay attention to all the things she does that you don’t like, and one day, when you are the manager, you can make sure you use her as a model of what not to do.

I’m curious. Am I eligible for a higher award as a fitness instructor because of my bachelor’s degree in international development, even though it is unrelated to fitness?

This is definitely one of the more specific questions I have received. I have never read a Fitness Industry Award before and was curious, so thought I would check it out. The award makes you need to have “worked or studied in a relevant field and/or [have] specialist knowledge, qualifications and experience” if you want to qualify for a higher employee classification. As interesting as your degree would have been, it may be a stretch to argue it is relevant to fitness, but I guess you never know. Good luck!

To submit a question about work, careers or leadership, visit kirstinferguson.com/ask (you will not be asked to provide your name or any identifying information. Letters may be edited).

Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.