How do I stop customers calling me ‘darl’?

I recently purchased a cafe in a small seaside town. I enjoy providing hospitality to the locals, but struggle with being greeted in terms such as “darl” and “love”. I’m looking for a response that doesn’t give offence.
Anonymous, Vic

Credit: Simon Letch

A: As you’d know by now, Aussie seaside towns are mysterious time-travel portals. The moment you drive into one, you’re cast back to the 1970s. Your hybrid car turns leaded, your skinny denim jeans transform into flared polyester slacks, your CarPlay podcast shifts to Air Supply singing All out of Love, your seatbelt completely disappears and you find yourself steering with your knees, a Winnie Red in one hand, a Glug Cola in the other and a kelpie on your lap.

Everything about Aussie seaside towns has a ’70s vibe. The dusty old cake shop with nothing in the window but a vanilla slice and 600 dead blowflies. The cream-brick motor inn where every item in the room is bolted down, including the pillows. The Chinese restaurant where the “Serves Steak ‘n’ Chips” sign is bigger than the one that reads “Chinese restaurant”.

And some of the locals will be ’70s-style Australians: men in shorts with dress shoes and knee-high socks, women in terry-towelling frocks and pastel-grey slip-ons from Grosby’s. And they may greet people with archaic terms like “darl”, “love” and “pet”, even though the outside world has moved on to more progressive, ungendered greetings, such as “Hi” or “Hello”.

But you’ve committed to this seaside town now: you’ve bought a cafe (presumably selling International Roast instant coffee, pineapple doughnuts and ham ‘n’ cheese jaffles) and you don’t want to alienate your customers. So either accept the language of the locals or print off a name-tag and encourage them to address you by your name.

And if you can’t find a printer, use a Dymo label-maker.

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