The White Lotus recap: What happens at the Full Moon party stays at the Full Moon party

Welcome to The White Lotus, a place where damp rich people dance very badly. Let’s get into the Wellness Check!

Warning: These recaps, where we rank which characters are having the most relaxing stay, are packed with spoilers. Only read if you have watched episode five of season three of The White Lotus.

MOST RELAXED

Jaclyn, Kate and Laurie: The denial tour for ladies in kaftans is going quite well, thanks for asking. Although they find some of the small talk with Valentin’s Russian friends confounding (Jaclyn: “Who wants an expensive fruity drink?” Valentin’s friend No.3: “My parents are dead”), they do enjoy grabbing them by the shirts and doing very pointy dancing.

The three men go back to the villa with the women where Laurie, high on Valentin’s compliments about her sexiness, takes her top off in the pool. Kate, a woman of God or something like it, is uneasy with all the debauchery, so tries to engage Valentin’s friends in meaningful conversation.

Valentin’s friend No.3: “My mother broke bottles on my head.”

Kate: “So do you travel much, or …?”

The men leave and Laurie falls into a stupor, warmed by the thought a younger man is attracted to her and maybe, just maybe, she still has romantic adventures in her future. With the support of her friends, she will again feel the thrill of mutual lust!

It’s this soothing thought that allows her to sleep through Jaclyn having sex with Valentin in another room.

NOT TOTALLY RELAXED

Rick and Chelsea: Chelsea tries to enjoy herself at the Full Moon party, but unfortunately is that party friend who says things like, “Something bad is going to happen” and, “I’m so worried all the time”.

Chloe attempts to comfort her. “Chelsea, just because your boyfriend who hates you is probably murdering an elderly man in Bangkok right now, it is no reason to make a scene.”

Chloe suggests the answer to Chelsea’s problems is to have group sex with the two brothers. Chelsea contemplates this.

Meanwhile, Rick meets up with his colleague Frank (Sam Rockwell!) in Bangkok. Frank orders a chamomile tea at a bar, which Rick considers absolutely insane. Frank has found religion! He’s been sober for almost a year! Rick is bitterly disappointed. Nothing is going the way he wants! Before Frank gives Rick a black bag full of weapons (or chamomile tea?), Frank explains he’s also abstinent now – because, after sleeping with about 1000 women, he realised what he really wanted to do was have sex with himself. Rick is like, “Cool, may I please have my bag of guns?”

Before Frank bids Rick farewell, Rick asks if he has any time to do some role play for him. I’m guessing it’s not the kind of role play that Frank is used to.

Gaitok: My man, you are not trying hard enough to get that gun back. I know you want to watch Mook dance (how often do you get to go to a Blackpink concert for free?), but you really should be focusing on retrieving that firearm right now.

If your boss is like, “Gaitok, do you need an antacid?” the panic on your face is reading too “sore tummy” and not enough, “Oh god, that American may kill us all.”

Belinda: Belinda is really trying to impress upon the hotel staff that Gary/Greg isn’t asking around about her because he has a crush on her.

Belinda: “He is trying to MURDER me, probably.”

Fabian: “Oh Belinda, let me explain how crushes work sweetie.”

A great customer service experience, 10/10.Credit: HBO

The only person who seems to listen is Pornchai, who also takes the time to guide a lizard out of her bedroom with an umbrella. Belinda finds this deeply erotic and she and Pornchai kiss. Even after she asks, “Consent: do you guys do that here?”

LEAST RELAXED

The Ratliff family: When Piper is alone with her parents she says, “Hey remember that monastery I stood in front of? Well, it was next to a meditation centre, which I also spent a bit of time standing in front of.” And for those reasons, she wants to move to Thailand for a year! Oh, and she was never writing a thesis.

[Parker Posey voice] “Piper, nooOO!”Credit: HBO

Victoria has several reactions to this. They go as follows:

1. “But you’re not a Buddhist”
2. “You’re not from China”
3. “You want to live in Taiwan?”

Piper explains yes she is a Buddhist; no, she is not from China; and no, she does not want to live in Taiwan (the country they are having dinner in is Thailand). Victoria, too sober to take in these facts, warns Piper it is probably a sex cult and just because her favourite Buddhist wrote a book, that doesn’t make him legit. Lots of bad people write books! (Evidence provided: Charles Manson, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, etc.)

Victoria announces she needs to drink herself to sleep to process how insane her daughter is acting, and Tim prays to God to tell him whether he should be alive or not. It’s the kind of grief that envelops a whole family, sucking the oxygen out of the whole trip. Just kidding! Saxon and Lochy take ecstasy and kiss each other on a boat.

OK, see you next week!

Brotherly love <3 Credit: HBO

The White Lotus streams each Monday on Binge.

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