The officially unofficial Off the Record awards for 2019
From ScoMo’s miraculous election victory to a Monty Pythonesque Adelaide City Council — Michael McGuire and Paul Starick marvel at the good, bad and downright weird moments of 2019.
Opinion
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- It’s The Advertiser’s Off the Record Awards for 2018!
- Off The Record awards for 2017: The honours that matter
Forget the Oscars, the ARIAs, the Grammys or the Tonys, it’s time for the only gongs that matter – the Off The Record Awards!
The Dale Carnegie book for how to win friends and influence people
Crows director Mark Ricciuto had a crack at the club’s fans who were uppity enough to be unhappy at another barren season and wondering if there needed to be change in the boardroom as well as the playing field. He asked the fans to trust those in charge.
“And if they don’t well then maybe they don’t need to barrack for the footy club.”
Cue apology.
The Thick of It Omnishambles parchment
Premier Steven Marshall, Treasurer Rob Lucas and anyone else involved in the Liberals’ five-time rewritten land tax policy.
A policy that started off as an elephant but had turned into an aardvark by the time it was finally passed in parliament.
That Katy Perry-Taylor Swift song about best friends feuding
There was a time when Property Council chief Daniel Gannon was best buddies with premier Steven Marshall and treasurer Rob Lucas.
The friendship was tested to the limits this year as Gannon waged war against the government’s proposed land tax changes.
The Ottoman end of the family dynasty award
Twice Georgina Downer ran and twice Georgina Downer lost.
And thus the Downers were banished from (what they considered) their birthright, the Adelaide Hills-based seat of Mayo.
Not long after losing, Georgina Downer fled back to Melbourne.
T he George Orwell ‘newspeak’ award for controlling thought and language
A joint winner.
However, both winners are PM Scott Morrison. First we had his response of “Canberra bubble’’ to avoid answering questions he didn’t like.
Then we had the related ‘quiet Australians’.
Again, a term used to shut out opinions he doesn’t agree with.
The Johnny English spy of the year award
Former foreign minister Alexander Downer has been sent from central casting for this role.
Still, if Downer is Johnny English then the bloke who accused him of being a left-wing spy, an American ex-Donald Trump adviser called George Papadopolous, is Inspector Clouseau
The Bart Simpson ‘I didn’t do it’ cartoon
To Labor’s Chris Picton who seems to believe that all the faults, cracks and troubles in the state’s health system have only miraculously appeared since March 2018, happily ignoring Labor’s frequently questionable management of the department over the previous 16 years.
The Francis Ford Coppola Apocalypse Now statuette
To deputy prime minister Michael McCormack who in critiquing Labor’s energy policy during the federal election campaign said: “Forget night footy, forget night cricket’’.
No, he really, did.
An (dis) honourable mention to PM Scott Morrison who talking about Labor’s leader electric car policy came up with: “Bill Shorten wants to end the weekend’’. Sigh.
Dorian Gray Chalice for Eternal Youth
Fresh-faced BankSA chief Nick Reade, who was asked for ID in October when visiting the 4th Wall Restaurant and Bar in Boston, United States. Over there, the legal drinking age is 21. “Went for a quick after-dinner drink and was asked for ID – winning!” Reade posted on Facebook.
Don’t Believe the Hype – the Public Enemy Honour
Adelaide’s 2026 Commonwealth Games bid was trumpeted as triggering substantial infrastructure improvements for an event that would attract top-class athletes, inspire children and fill hotels.
But Premier Steven Marshall and Sport Minister Corey Wingard baulked in September “due to the lack of key sporting infrastructure needed and expert advice which revealed the event would not provide an economic benefit for the South Australian economy”.
The George Washington ‘I can’t tell a lie’ gong
Liberal backbencher Nick McBride for his honest assessment of his colleagues.
“I will say this in as nice a possible way, and I don’t know how you are going to write it, but I got a sense of this, too. They spent 16 years in opposition and now I see why.”
He couldn’t beat them so he joined them scroll
Former defence minister Christopher Pyne enjoyed his battles against the media over his long career so much that he has since joined the gang with newspaper columns, a podcast and frequent TV appearances.
Makes up for all those journos who became MPs. Tony Abbott, Malcolm Turnbull, Michael McCormack, Boris Johnson, Jim Hacker, Maxine McKew.
The Vegemite 2.0 snack for PR disaster of the year
In a field of so many contenders Prince Andrew stands tall.
The bold Andrew tried to give his side of the story about why he was hanging around with convicted paedophile Jeffrey Epstein.
It was bad. How bad? His mum sacked him.
Life of Brian Dishonour for Political Nitpicking
The Adelaide City Council, where bickering was so bad in May that Lord Mayor Sandy Verschoor had to order a five-minute recess – only for heated discussion to spill into the corridors. The faction-ridden council evokes memories of the Monty Python movie’s scene about whether a group is called the Judaean People’s Front or the People’s Front of Judea.
Biggest comeback since Lazarus
The-then future prime minister John Howard, crushed by being overthrown by Andrew Peacock in 1989, famously declared his chances of a comeback were like “Lazarus with a triple bypass”.
Howard’s protege, former Mayo MP Jamie Briggs, in May capped a similar comeback when he was appointed PwC’s Adelaide managing partner.
Briggs lost his seat in 2016 to his former staffer Rebekha Sharkie, after quitting the federal ministry in the wake of a Hong Kong bar incident.
The Donald Trump trophy for services to women
It didn’t really matter who was voted into the Senate at this year’s federal election, the Chamber was immeasurably improved by the voting out of NSW crackpot David Leyonhjelm. Greens’ Senator Sarah Hanson-Young also relieved the unemployed MP of $120,000 after a federal court judge found he had defamed her in a series of interviews.
The rhyming slang merchant banker of the year is Brian Hartze r
Tried briefly, but valiantly, to hold on to his chief executive job at Westpac after it was revealed the bank had breached anti-money laundering rules 23 million times and had helped out pedophiles in the process. Tried to claim he could fix it and this was “not an Enron or Lehman Brothers’’ but he was wrong, then he was gone.
The ‘I threw a party and nobody came’ tissue
Our old friend Cory Bernardi abandoned his old mates in the Liberal Party to start the Australian Conservatives. It wasn’t a success.
At the 2019 election, the Conservatives attracted a somewhat slender 1.47 per cent of the SA vote.
Parties that beat it included The Animal Justice Party, the HEMP Party, One Nation, United Australia Party (Clive Palmer) and Centre Alliance.
The Nazi jackboot of the year for quashing dissent
Our favourite coppers in the Australian Federal Police who took a liking to raiding the homes, underwear drawers and offices of journalists this year in an attempt to intimidate both the media and whistleblowers.
The Agatha Christie Mystery of the Missing Owners
For reasons that have always eluded common understanding Adelaide United refuses to tell fans who owns its club. Pretty basic information you would think. Chairman Piet Van Der Pol claims to be one shareholder but he has been avoiding OTR questions on who his compadres are for more than a year now. Odd.
The Corey Worthington party invitation
Unsuccessful federal Liberal candidate Shaun Osborn thought a little local interaction would be a good thing.
So he invited 10,000 people to a local cafe for a chinwag.
He even printed flyers for the event at Broadviews Pane E Latte. Shame he forgot to ask the cafe’s owner Matteo Giordano.
The float like a wallaby, sting like a gazelle nature doco
After “inventing” himself as a former junior wallabies rugby captain last year, multiskilled entrepreneur Kristian Livolsi has reinvented himself this year – even seemingly inventing a title we hadn’t come across before.
His Linkedin page is groaning under the weight of his titles, currently listed as Speaker, Author, Angel, Giver, Business Evangelist and …. Gazelle!
Perhaps it’s a throwback to his days on the rugby field, or reworking of the “Unicorn” tag attached to billion dollar start-ups.
Where are they now?
What about Steve? It isn’t fair. He got a job, but then no one cared, can’t you see, he was the mayor, but you care more about Hae-ae-zeeee. Yes, we’re taking about Stephen Yarwood who couldn’t wrap his head around why his current gig “as principal advisor for the City of Mecca Strategic Plan isn’t vaguely newsworthy” while Martin Haese scoring the top job at Business SA was big news. We’ve trawled the archives and figured out we didn’t know and hadn’t been told of Stephen’s new gig. Stephen spit the dummy and declared his Facebook feed off-limits for scurrilous media types mid-year so how will we keep up with the news now?
For services to corporate governance
Former Adelaide City Council deputy mayor Houssam Abiad winsby a nose.
Cr Abiad gets a hat tip for proving that you can apparently update your register of interests with a post it note, the whereabouts of which remain a mystery.
After The Advertiser queried why a company of his didn’t appear on the register, emails sent to the council the same day indicated Cr Abiad had given a post-it to council staff to update his register of interests after last year’s November election.
No change was registered at the time but council staff admitted recalling the unorthodox move.
In second place
Australian Institute of Company directors local prez Roger Sexton kept voting at his company, Beston Global Foods, entirely secret at the AGM this year, concealing a massive first strike against the remuneration vote, had the Australian Shareholders Association perturbed and some shareholders flat out ropeable. Going on to claim it was “best practice” was pretty rich.
The Joseph Stalin erasing history moment
Stuart O’Grady’s past as an admitted drug cheat was whitewashed from history when the Olympic gold medallist was appointed as the new director of the Tour Down Under. Somehow that fact didn’t quite make it into the gushing official press release when tourism minister David Ridgway announced O’Grady’s new gig.
The Old Mate award for services to South Australian tourism
SBS football presenter Lucy Zelic caused a storm after calling Adelaide a “shithole’’. I found it to be incredibly dull and boring,” she said. To be fair to Zelic, as anyone who has watched her do her job would attest, she’s certainly an expert in dull.
The Thomas Edison light bulb for reinvention
The winner is former premier Jay Weatherill who seems to have restyled himself as some sort of political election guru with his critique of Labor’s federal campaign.
A neat trick for someone who only won 50 per cent of elections he contested as leader.
The same percentage as Tony Abbott and no one calls him a sage.
Well, no one sensible.
The Teflon non-stick frypan for Penny Wong
For almost seven years Penny Wong has been Labor’s deputy leader or leader in the Senate. She was a key member of this year’s disastrous Labor federal election campaign, yet Wong attracts little criticism for her role. Some even believe Wong would make a good leader of the entire party.
The ‘I did but see him passing by’ verse
Tourism Minister David Ridgway was almost definite. He couldn’t “recall’’ meeting convicted paedophile and owner of a notorious party house Corey John Ahlburg. He returned to parliament next day to confirm they had both been at the same events. But he still couldn’t remember any “specific interactions’’.
The Shakespeare quill for sound and fury signifying nothing – Activist group GetUp! Made a lot of noise about the impact it would have on the federal election. In South Australia it made clear its intention to get rid of Boothby MP Nicolle Flint. The campaign fell flat as Flint was comfortably re-elected.
The Spice Girls 2 become 1 tribute
Port Adelaide’s Ollie Wines was named as the team’s co-captain last year but after a kerfuffle from Power fans worried that two leaders was outside club tradition it decided to ditch one. That one was Wines who was dumped in favour of Tom Jonas continuing the role on his lonesome.