The 2018 Off the Record Awards
Forget the Oscars, the ARIAs, the Grammys or the Tonys, it’s time for the only gongs that matter — the 2018 Off The Record Awards!
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Forget the Oscars, the ARIAs, the Grammys or the Tonys, it’s time for the only gongs that matter - the2018 Off The Record Awards!
Lifetime Achievement Award
For so long the Liberal leader, turned independent, turned Labor cabinet member Martin Hamilton-Smith was an ornament to these pages. He was a treasure. A gift that kept on giving. Now he’s gone. But he’s not going home empty-handed being awarded Off the Record’s prestigious Lifetime Achievement Award. Don’t be a stranger Marty.
Elon Musk/Jay Weatherill memorial energy award (statewide blackout) memorial award
To Premier Steven Marshall, who has stood firm against significant national opprobrium directed at his predecessor’s renewable energy strategy to unveil a $200 million “world-leading home battery scheme”.
The South Australian of the year (maybe the decade) award
Sanjeev Gupta, for too many reasons to list. Sanjeev has also been conferred the title of The Most Popular Pom in South Australia, although he was the only name in the field.
The Lord Lucan trophy for sudden disappearance
He used to be everywhere but no he’s nowhere. Yes, whatever happened to Nick Xenophon, the man who was briefly tipped to be the state’s next premier.
The Brett Lee song book for terrible Bollywood acting
That’s Nick Xenophon again. Some believe that ad, featuring Nick singing and dancing, was the single biggest reason behind his downfall. They may be right.
The Hugh Hefner dressing gown for marriage fidelity
To former Nationals leader and former deputy prime minister Barnaby Joyce whose affair with staff member Vikki Campion led to the pair having a baby and the MP losing his high-status jobs.
The Castle ‘tell him he’s dreaming’ certificate
Another gong for Barnaby Joyce who was reportedly counting numbers to make a comeback as Nationals leader and deputy PM.
The Downton Abbey bequest for historical period drama
The North Adelaide establishment, who are looking on as their prized suburb withers and dies — witness O’Connell and Melbourne streets — and refuse to countenance any development or event that might interrupt their high tea.
The Baldrick award for cunning plans
Liberal MP for Barker Tony Pasin, one of the urgers who decided installing Peter Dutton as Prime Minister was an extremely clever idea. That worked well. Special commendation to Boothby MP Nicolle Flint as well.
Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd Moonlighting honour for awkward coupling
Adelaide University and UniSA, who nearly everyone seems to think should be together but just can’t quite seal the deal.
Greta Garbo “I want to be alone” distinction
Former Lord Mayor Martin Haese, who has slunk into obscurity with his sudden retirement from the Town Hall.
Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau Odd Couple honour
Former treasurer Kevin Foley and the Hoff, David Hasselhoff, who have struck up an unlikely friendship through shared property interests near Lombok, Indonesia.
North Adelaide cup for questionable victory
The councillors elected with a handful of votes at this year’s council elections. Even the North Adelaide Roosters had a greater number of players on the field (19) during their preliminary final “triumph” over the Eagles in September.
Time for a coffee break reward
Celsus chairman Mark Balnaves, who must feel like spending more time at Joe’s Kiosk, Henley Beach, which he co-owns, rather than the scandal-plagued new Royal Adelaide Hospital. Celsus is responsible for managing and maintaining the RAH under a 30-year public private partnership.
Dale Carnegie honour for winning friends and influencing people
Thomson Geer chief executive partner Adrian Tembel, who boasts among his legal eagles Annabel West and Charissa Duffy, the respective wives of Opposition Leader Peter Malinauskas and Speaker Vincent Tarzia. Tembel also this month hosted federal Cabinet ministers Christopher Pyne and Simon Birmingham and Premier Steven Marshall at an office party, at which the wine was highly regarded.
The Donald Trump ‘fake news’ front page award
To self-described entrepreneur Kristian Livolsi who used to enjoy telling us about his time as captain of the junior Wallabies rugby union team. Trouble was, it wasn’t true. Not even close. Livolsi, former ‘entrepreneur in chief’ at Adelaide Uni, made a few other claims as well, including one about selling a business to Google that no one else seems to know about.
2018 Hipsters of the Year award (Costa Georgiadis encouragement honour)
Fresh from losing the 2018 election Jay Weatherill and Tom Koutsantonis let their true selves show, growing what can only be described as attempts at facial hair. The Daschunds and the jam jars full of craft gin can’t be far away.
The Gough Whitlam award for refusing to turn right
State Transport Minister Stephan Knoll for abandoning an election pledge to make sure Adelaide’s trams turned right onto North Terrace.
Torrens Transit award for empty buses
This one is shared by Jay “Jaybus” Weatherill and Scott “ScoMo Express” Morrison who were often seen standing near buses before departing to the nearest airport to fly to meet the bus at its next destination. Still, good for frequent flyer points.
The Johnny English medal for the worst spy of the year
To hitherto unknown lawyer Ash Bidhendi who hit up Advertiser journalist Colin James for some dirt on Nick Xenophon before the March election. Bidhendi just happened to be a mate of now Speaker Vincent Tarzia, who was running against Xenophon. Tarzia denied all knowledge.
The Matrix award for alternative realities
Former Treasurer Tom Koutsantonis for so passionately arguing in favour of so many things he was dead set against just before March and vice versa. Managed to argue that Knoll should go ahead with the right turn even though he was against it. Or demanding the same Minister answer questions on an ICAC investigation that he knew, because he was part of the government that wrote the rules, were illegal to answer. Suddenly against government funding Adelaide Oval hotel after his stint as “king of the handout” while Treasurer.
The Kim Jong-un parchment for services to free speech
Former TV journo turned gatekeeper Frank Pangallo for his idea that Electoral Commissioner Mick Sherry should be able to censor the media for reporting he didn’t like.
The Anti-Isaac Newton for the chronically bad at numbers
The once-respected finance minister Mathias Cormann blew himself up in dramatic fashion after backing leadership aspirant Peter Dutton because he thought he had the votes. Turned out he couldn’t count to 43.
The Banquo’s Ghost sheet for hanging around and causing drama
Ex-pm Malcolm Turnbull just won’t go away and his dismissal continues to haunt the Libs in the fortnightly Newspoll. Previous winners include Tony Abbott and Kevin Rudd.
The Darth Vader award for parenting
To Alexander Downer. There was a theory that the family name would help Georgina Downer when she returned from Melbourne to run in daddy’s old patch against Rebekha Sharkie. Didn’t turn out that way, especially when Alexander whined that “Sharkie supporters have brought such horrible hate to our district. You must all be new arrivals.”
The Centrelink award for the chronically underpaid
Party-changing Liberal senator Lucy Gichuhi who complained in an interview that MPs aren't paid enough. "Two hundred thousand Australian dollars — in a whole year that's not a lot of money," she said.
The ISIS explosion for political terrorist of the year
The remarkably undistinguished career of NSW Liberal MP Craig Kelly was headed to the dustbin as his own local branch wanted him out, but after threatening to quit and become an independent backbencher PM Scott Morrison caved in and ensured his pre-selection.
The David Warner popularity gong
His party is miles ahead in all the polls and will surely romp in the next election, but, still, no one likes Labor leader Bill Shorten. In his five years in the job he has somehow managed to trail Tony Abbott, Malcolm Turnbull and now Scott Morrison in the preferred PM stakes.
The Catch Me if You Can poster for dodgy cheques
No one ever really seems to know what mysterious Chinese businesswoman Sally Zou is up to, but even by her standards her Twitter posting of a cheque made out to Liberal leader Steven Marshall for $1,212,018 was odd. When examined the numbers 1/21/2018 coincided with Marshall’s 50th birthday. The Libs says the cheque never arrived.
The ‘just for old times’ sake, one last broken promise’ parchment
Joint winners this year, Former premier Jay Weatherill and former deputy premier John Rau both swore black and blue before the state election they would serve a full four-year term. Nine months later they quit.
The “Who? Really?” award for remarkable promotion
Step forward Australia’s new deputy prime minister Michael McCormack. A man so low profile his wife and children make him wear a name tag at the breakfast table so they can remember who he is.
The 2018 Global Citizen of the Year award
Another shared award. It goes to five MPs: Rebekha Sharkie, Katy Gallagher, Justine Keay, Josh Wilson and Susan Lamb. We don’t know which countries they are citizens of, we just know it’s not Australia.
The Master Race recommendation
One Nation leader Pauline Hanson is a perennial favourite in this award and this year has come through after introducing her Senate motion that confirmed “It’s ok to be white.’’
The Yes Minister administrative bungle of the year
Despite its blatant dog-whistling, the Liberals thought it would be a swell idea to support the Hanson motion. When the predictable and obvious backlash washed aboard they said it was a mistake, an “administrative error’’.
Bruce Springsteen tutelage for revering your hometown
Adelaide University vice-chancellor Peter Rathjen, who returned to his home city, in which seemingly nearly every member of his extended family has become an academic.
The Pollyanna honour for relentless optimism in the face of overwhelming odds
Column regular Christopher Pyne, who retains his cheery outlook despite the Morrison government heading for the knackers yard. A fine quality for an Opposition Leader.
Take that foot out of your mouth trophy
It was impossible to separate ICAC Commissioner Bruce Lander and Attorney-General Vickie Chapman. Lander’s comments in a radio interview sparked a stay application, led by eminent silk Michael Abbott QC, in a case involving former transport department officer Michael William King. One of Lander’s own cases. Meanwhile, Chapman is under police investigation for possibly breaching the ICAC Act after making a public statement on one of its inquiries.
Amanda Vanstone encouragement award for plain-speaking
Economic Advisory Council member Jacqui McGill, who urged Glenelg become a cruise ship port to stop passengers being dropped at the “back of beyond” at Outer Harbor, “in the middle of an industrial hub”, with “a 40-minute bus ride into the city”.
Greek Orthodox Church honour for patience of a Saint
Proprietor of this column’s spiritual home and Byzantine wine merchant George Kasimatis and his fellow Waymouth St traders, for quietly and patiently enduring endless months of disruption from roadworks.
The Penn & Teller magic wand for making things disappear
The Australian Electoral Commission who managed to make the federal seat of Port Adelaide vanish into thin air, leaving the state with only 10 federal seats.
Idiot idea of the year award
London-based advertising man Bill Muirhead for suggesting we rename South Australia as Adelaide, Adelaide. Still, no one has ever suggested the advertising industry was the natural home of good ideas. Although the idea of building a bridge to Kangaroo Island came in a close second.
The Rob De Castella medal for long-distance events
It’s early days in the leadership of Labor’s Peter Malinauskas, but after 16 years in government, it appears a long shot the ALP will regain government in only one term. Malinauskas will have to dig in for a marathon effort.
The Thomas the Tank Engine funnel for rail heroism
To Victorian premier Daniel Andrews for stepping in to save the Adelaide to Melbourne Overland train service after Transport Minister Stephan Knoll decided it wasn’t worth spending another $330,000 on it.
Out of touch quote of the year
Boothy MP Nicolle Flint who wasn’t keen on the idea of a Royal Commission into the banking industry: “As a fiscally responsible government we cannot fall into the dangerous bank-bashing mob mentality which, while politically beneficial in the short term, will hurt Australian businesses, their shareholders, their employees and most importantly their customers in the long term.”
Battle to save animals on the brink at Outback reserve
Conservationists are battling to save animals at an Outback reserve from the effects of the worst drought in recent memory, and have received a funding boost to redouble their efforts.
Country tradie to face court over incomplete work
A country tradesman will face the Elizabeth Magistrates Court over allegations he was not licenced and refused to refund money to clients.