Silent victims of South Australian domestic violence - like Conor Pall - finally being heard | Jess Adamson

From the age of 12, Conor’s life in Mildura was plagued by family violence. He asked for help but it never came, writes Jess Adamson, as a royal commission into the issue begins.

Commissioner Natasha Stott Despoja visits Shine. Picture: Supplied

One of the most important roles in my early TV reporting days was listening to the police scanners.

The officers used codes to transmit the job type over the radio – a 601 was a high-speed pursuit, a 202 a fatal crash and a 303 an armed robbery.

If it was of interest to our viewers, we’d race out with a camera to cover it.

A call sign we’d always quickly respond to was a 501, an assault. But more often than not, we’d get halfway to the address before the newsroom called us back, telling us “It’s just a domestic”. Those words still haunt me.

It was a time when violence within people’s homes wasn’t spoken about except in whispers and certainly didn’t make the news. It was their business, not ours. I wish it had been different.

Thankfully things are changing – but not quickly enough.

Natasha Stott Despoja AO will lead a South Australian Royal Commission into Domestic, Family and Sexual Violence. Picture: State Government

Natasha Stott Despoja AO is chairing South Australia’s Royal Commission into Domestic, Family and Sexual Violence, which starts on Wednesday (November 20).

It’s long overdue and too late for too many.

74 women have been killed in Australia so far this year. On average, one woman is killed by an intimate partner every 11 days.

Since July, the Commissioner’s spent hundreds of hours listening to men, women and children with lived experience. She’s talked to magistrates, judges, LGBTQIA+ community members, Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people, social workers, students, refugees and men and women at the Adelaide Remand Centre and Northfield prisons.

She’s been shocked and overwhelmed by personal stories but also buoyed by the optimism of our youth to find real answers to breaking the cycle.

One of those young people is 21-year-old Conor Pall.

From the age of 12, Conor’s life in Mildura was plagued by family violence.

“It impacted every single part of my life,” he says.

“It followed me to school, it followed me to soccer training, it followed me to dance class, it followed me everywhere.

“But when I reached out for help there was nowhere for me to go and that’s still the case for kids across the country.

Conor Pall with Kapunda High School students at last week’s student summit. Picture: Supplied

“I can’t put into words how isolating it feels when you show vulnerability and reach out for support and there’s nowhere for you to go.

“This burden is placed on children and young people to break the cycle of family violence but if we can’t get support to do that how are we expected to do it alone?”

It’s a heartbreaking question but Conor’s hopeful SA’s Royal Commission will finally bring change.

“When you listen to children and young people, or more broadly people with lived experience, the policy and the solutions that come out of things like a Royal Commission are improved,” he says.

Our Royal Commission is the first in Australia to hear directly from children and young people on domestic and sexual violence. Up until now they have been the silent victims.

Last week, the Commissioner met with more than a hundred year 7 to 12 students.

“When I hear young people suggesting clever, innovative ideas for change and progress then I feel quite optimistic that I can make a difference,” she says.

“Their perspectives matter.”

Commissioner Natasha Stott Despoja meets with locals in Port Augusta. Picture: Supplied

So too, the views of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander women and elders with lived experience.

“The disproportionate rates of violence against these women is horrendous,” she says.

“It is our national shame.”

Not surprisingly, the Commissioner’s seeing deep cracks in the processes designed to keep women and children safe.

“There are clearly failings in the system and there are obviously victim survivors who’ve not had justice,” she says.

“There is a lack of support services in some areas and there are areas that we haven’t really paid enough attention to, such as trauma and healing.

“But we’re also coming across some best practice too … there are some good stories.

“And there are some emerging good ideas, there’s an increasing focus on primary prevention, stopping the violence before it occurs.”

Next year will mark 30 years since Natasha Stott Despoja entered parliament, the youngest Australian woman to do so.

And while she’s disappointed in the rate of change, she’s encouraged by a genuine shift in community attitudes.

“I walk down the street these days and someone will tap me on the shoulder and tell me how they’ve been personally affected by family violence or indeed sexual assault,” she says.

“A lot of people want the opportunity not just to share their experiences but share their ideas for change and I find that sense of buy in extraordinary.

“People are passionate about this issue, people are sick of the statistics, people want the violence to end.”

Perhaps one of the most powerful conversations she’s had so far was with a group of men at the Adelaide Remand Centre, who’ve used violence in the past.

“What was striking about meeting with those men was the intergenerational violence and trauma,” she says.

“All of them were victims as children so the overwhelming message from that was this is a cycle we have to break.

“These men are dealing with their own trauma, there’s no excuse for abuse but it certainly helps explain it.

“It shows that this is a multigenerational challenge and that’s why I’m very wedded to primary prevention opportunities including education in schools.”

The Commissioner knows there’s not a one size fits all response to this national crisis.

Different communities like those in our rural and remote areas who lack support services, require tailored and targeted attention.

She and her team will spend the next 2 weeks continuing to gather information, before public hearings begin at the end of the month. Witnesses will be giving evidence both in person and online.

An online survey https://www.royalcommissiondfsv.sa.gov.au/have-your-say/share open until December 10, invites South Australians to share their experiences of a system that’s allowed too many lives to be lost.

The Royal Commission is a unique opportunity to right the wrongs of our past. Never before have we seen such a unified effort in this state to end the scourge of domestic violence.

When the Commission’s recommendations are handed down next July, bold and brave reform should swiftly follow.

We all have a role to play in reducing the shame and stigma around domestic violence, helping to create a safe and gender equal community.

That includes the media so that young reporters like I once was, will never again turn their back.