Past my prime? You’re dead wrong | Goers‘ answer to an age old question

Drooping, sagging or receding – according to Peter Goers, the ageing process ain’t pretty. But it’s always better than the alternative.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve ever been. And it ain’t pretty. I suppose my body’s all right but not in perspective and not in the light.

The ageing process is awful. Everything that doesn’t droop or sag, recedes. Unlike Esau in the Bible, I’m not “an hairy man” but now hair grows in really weird places. Apparently this has something to do with hormone-binding globulin. Globulin sounds like a character in Lord Of The Rings.

Peter Goers thinks old and daggy sure beats dead cool. Picture: iStock

I’m still waiting for my endorphins to cut in. I jest, because it seems I was born, tragically, without endorphins. Speaking of those curious things, everyone I know over 60 who exercises extremely has had multiple joint replacements.

Since I take no exercise at all (and I really recommend that) joint replacement is not an issue for lucky old me.

In recent years I managed to lose 23kg and keep it off but I still have a fat belly and my nose grows fatter. Why do our noses keep growing? Who knows? Boom. Boom.

My posture is appalling because I’ve had no mother for 42 years to tell me to stand up straight.

As you age your memory becomes like a policeman – never there when you need it. I remember so much, so vividly, from 50 years ago but can’t remember what happened yesterday. I forget everyone but lest they are offended, I forget everyone equally. I’ve been there and done that but I can’t remember what that was.

I pee 27 times a day. I wish I was joking. Can someone please die and donate their bladder to me? After a certain age you no longer fall over, you have a fall. There’s nothing wrong with my hearing but young people mumble.

And young people too often regard their elders as stupid, useless, and we’re patronised, blamed for everything and seen as a huge impost on the public purse. Stuff that, we’ve paid our taxes (or most of us have) and we’ve tried our best in the world (well, most of us have).

Nowadays a nice outing is a leisurely visit to Chemist Warehouse. I used to be an infamous partygoer and party giver, dragging to bed at 5am. Now I get up at that time.

The worst of getting older is not the degradation of the body but the constant loss of loved ones. I have frequent flyer points at Centennial Park and I even know where the secret parks are there.

Life is like the end of a toilet roll – it disappears so quickly, according to Peter Goers. Picture: iStock

The older one gets the quicker time goes. It’s like the end of a toilet roll – it disappears so quickly. And you’re really still a kid at heart. Keep the soul singing. Try and please yourself and others. You’re supposed to take five years off your life for smoking, another five years off for not exercising and yet another five years off for not eating well. If that were true, I should’ve been dead 15 years ago.

Getting older is always better than the alternative.

He had a great run

Phar Lap being ridden by jockey Jim Pike.

Let me explain this for younger readers – Phar Lap is not a village in Vietnam.

The highly regarded Allan Thurmer died recently in the Riverland in his 103rd year. His death notice in The Advertiser read, “A man who saw Phar Lap run”. Wow! Was Mr Thurmer the last person who could claim that? Aged 9 in 1930, he saw Phar Lap win the King’s Cup at Morphettville in the company of many thousands of racegoers including the governor-general and three state governors.

Allan Thurmer’s son, Allan Thurmer Jr., told me he’d put a photo of Phar Lap on his dad’s memorial card for the funeral. How wonderful. The past is always with us and we must honour it and honour those with a heart as big as Phar Lap’s. Vale Allan Thurmer and the horse he rode off on.