Michael McGuire: A (fake) private – and honest – convo between Marshall and Malinauskas

The real Steven Marshall and Peter Malinauskas might not be this forthright ... but, as Michael McGuire wonders, what if their election posters were?

THE SCENE: A Stobie pole somewhere in Adelaide. A marginal seat. The time: 3am. Only the election posters are awake.

Peter: You there, mate? Steven, you awake.

Steven: (startled out of a deep slumber) Who’s that?

Peter: It’s me. Peter Malinauskas. I’m a husband, a father of three, a weekend gardener, a pretty average footy player …

Steven: Yes, yes, all right. I know who you are. We all know who you are. What do you want? I was sleeping.

Peter: You know there’s an election on, right?

Steven: I think someone mentioned it. Is that why I’m up here on this Stobie pole?

Peter: Yes, Steven, But why that picture? You don’t look happy. Are you OK?

Steven: It’s better than yours mate. What’s with the staring off into the distance look? All very Soviet propaganda. Possibly not the best idea at the moment. That’s just a bit of free advice.

Peter. We are looking into the future. Over the horizons into a brave new South Australia.

Steven: You have a five-year plan as well? Maybe some furry hats?

Peter: Very funny.

Staring off into the distance ... Labor leader Peter Malinauskas’ campaign poster.

Steven: Well, I guess you have to look to the future. You can’t be talking about the past. I know you like to avoid words like transforming, but that’s the whole plan isn’t it? To transform from old Labor to a new Labor. A new Labor that reckons it can now fix problems created by old Labor. Even in health.

Peter: You know I don’t like to talk about Jay Weatherill. Bastard made me health minister. His last little poison pill. But he did teach me one important lesson. Even if you mess something up, I mean really mess it up. Not just in health, but energy, child protection. You name it, we buggered it up. But you put on your most serious face, then you convince people that only you have the solutions to all the problems you created in the first place. I mean, it’s genius really.

Opposition Leader Peter Malinauskas and Premier Steven Marshall at the Building a Better South Australia event run by the Advertiser. Picture: The Advertiser / Morgan Sette

Steven: Then you throw billions of bucks at the problem. And no one is really paying enough attention to care. All they want to know is that a problem has been recognised and there is a plan.

Peter: That’s it. You’re getting it now. It’s all about building a stronger future.

Steven: Hold on. Isn’t that my slogan? I’m sure it’s on that blue book I carry around.

Peter: Maybe. Don’t know. Haven’t really seen you out and about that much. You sure you still want to be premier?

Steven: Of course. Love the job. Love meeting people. Love the parties. It’s just I guess, I don’t like the politics of politics very much. Do you find it a bit demeaning sometimes?

Peter. Mate. Seriously. No. Did you see that picture of me in the swimming pool? I have been training for four years, just for that picture. Jeez, I looked good.

Steven: And there’s me struggling to smile convincingly in this bloody poster. What a game this politics is. So, tell me. You reckon you can win this thing don’t you? After all we have done as well, saving the place from Covid-19. We flexed, we pivoted, we were abundantly cautious.

Peter: Yep. I reckon I can. As you know, opposition is easy. Government is hard. I stare hard at the camera, tell people I understand their problems then promise a gazillion dollars. What could be more straightforward? And I have to thank you for something.

Steven: Oh yes, what’s that?

Peter: The basketball stadium.

Steven: (annoyed) It’s not a basketball stadium. It’s a multipurpose arena …

Peter: (laughing) I know mate. I know. But it’s such a gift, so thank you. Seriously, I was worried you would dump the thing. Been a while since we have been able to campaign in the country and get stuck into you lot about being all about Adelaide.

Steven: Had enough of the country anyway. Bloody Dan Cregan. Fraser Ellis, Troy Bell. Stephan Knoll. Nothing but trouble the lot of them.

Peter: Yep, you’ve lost more players than the Adelaide Crows after a pre-season camp.

Steven: Either way, it’s going to be a very different parliament after the election. No Rob Lucas for a start. He’s been an integral player over so many years.

Peter: We’ll miss him too. Certainly his unique brand of political genius helped keep the Labor Party in power for many more years than we thought possible. OK, Steven, best get back to sleep I guess. Another busy day tomorrow handing out future taxpayer dollars.

Steven: I’m not sure what I’ve got on tomorrow. Wait and see I guess. Talk to you election night. When is it again?