Matt Abraham: If everyday South Australian life was a TV show, what would it look like?

From QR codes to sleepy Labor leaders and submarines, Matt Abraham considers life in SA – as a TV show. Warning, may contain violence, drugs and nudity.

If you’re sitting in the far queue, engine running hot, waiting to have a long cotton bud

shoved up your nose, do not despair.

Just pretend you and the family are five hours into a road trip – a road trip that takes five

hours to travel 200 metres – and invent a game. Don’t limit yourself to “I Spy with my little

eye” or yelling “Spotto” when you spot a yellow car.

Why not create a list of the most memorable events of the past 12 months as if they were

TV moments?

Flippers Down Under: In this home reno special filmed especially for a US audience, loved-

up Texans Chip and Jo Gaines travel from their ranch in Waco to Adelaide in search of a

cheap house to “flip”. By the time they’re released from quarantine in Tom’s Court medi-

hotel, house prices have gone nuts and they can’t find anything, anywhere in Adelaide

under $1m.

Searching cheaper, far-flung rural locations, they hit the jackpot with a neat three-bedroom,

one-bathroom fixer-upper in Geranium, an hour from Murray Bridge, on the edge of the

Mallee.

Chip installs three more bathrooms, a butler’s pantry, theatre room, gazebo, indoor plunge

pool and spa and Jo trebles their money in two weeks. Rpt. (PG)

Cregan’s Heroes: This hilarious remake of the much-loved Baby Boomer comedy series

Hogan’s Heroes is set in Parliament House on North Terrace instead of a German POW

camp. Renegade MP Dan Cregan and his mischievous band of misfits make repeated attempts to bust out of the stifling confines of the Liberal partyroom. In the season finale, they not only escape but, in what Sergeant Schultz calls a “dog act”, end up running the camp. Laughs for young and old. (Mlvn)

Up Periscope: Nothing like the original starring James Garner and Alan Hale Jr (Gilligan’s

Island), Australian PM Scott Morrison and French President Emmanuel Macron play

themselves in this joint Australian-French peacetime submarine farce set in and around the

naval shipyards at Osborne on Adelaide’s LeFevre Peninsula.

Well, that was the plan. But despite its eye-watering $90b production budget the script was

torn up before filming began as the Australian Government declared the French actors were

no longer “fit for purpose”. Instead, the movie will now be re-shot in Washington and London, with some post-production promised for Adelaide. Final budget and release date to be advised. (MA15+vl)

French subtitles.

The Price Is Almost Right: A ratings flop on the box this year, this wacky game show pitches clueless contestants against The Treasurer as they try to guess how much money South

Australia will lose over the next four years. In the latest episode, aired last week, The Trez revealed the 2021-22 deficit was now tipped to hit $1.590b, up from $1.397b in June. It’s only your money, as they say in Treasury. Sadly, he’s leaving the show next March so working out who pays it off won’t be his problem. (G) Rpt.

Mali meets the Teletubbies: Not since Fat Cat signalled nighty nights for a generation of

boys and girls in the 80s have we seen a show better designed to send us all into Noddy

Land. Each night on the six o’clock news, the adorable “Mali”, who leads a small political

party during daylight hours, weaves his soporific spell over Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po

and anyone else watching.

Even mummy and daddy find it difficult to keep their eyes open as “Mali” delivers political

talking points with his trademark soft tones and reassuring smile.

As they say at the end of each Teletubbies episode: “Time for Tubby Bye Bye”. Maybe it’ll be his election slogan.

Warning: do not operate heavy machinery or attempt to drive within 15 minutes of

watching this show. (PG) Endless Rpt.

The QR code: Not to be confused with the Da Vinci Code, this disturbing big-budget thriller

takes you into a dystopian world where faceless, unelected bureaucrats require the entire

adult population of a capital city to point their mobiles at a mysterious black and white

square before they’re allowed to shop. Or do anything much at all, really. Those who refuse

are arrested by police, fined or jailed.

Spoiler alert: The government promises to protect the private data of citizens, but the

payroll details of 80,000 of its employees is stolen by Russian hackers. (PGdvlns)

While we’ve been playing, you’ve advanced seven cars in the queue and it’s just gone

midnight. Time flies when you’re having fun.

(d=drug use. v=violence l=language n=nudity s=sex)