Christopher Pyne: Spare a thought for the tired election candidates this weekend

Former federal minister Christopher Pyne takes us inside what it’s like to run in an election campaign - right up to the election eve Maccas run.

This Saturday is the state election. You can be forgiven for not having focused on it yet. The last three weeks of the election have been dominated by the most unnecessary war in history, in Ukraine, and the floods in NSW and Queensland.

Peeking out between those huge news stories has been Premier Steven Marshall expostulating on the state’s health issues with Opposition Leader Peter Malinauskas.

Marshall has driven the debate towards jobs, the economy and the dangers of electing a Labor government – only four years after they left the Treasury benches with a cool $3bn of new spending proposals in their backpack.

Malinauskas has tried to convince voters the health system is in crisis and that only Labor can fix it.

Opposition Leader Peter Malinauskas (L) with Premier Steven Marshall. They’ll both be feeling exhausted. Picture: Morgan Sette

The independents are selling hope. Hope that there is no clear winner between Labor and Liberal and they will, apart from getting themselves a better job up the greasy pole, force the two major parties to shower their electorates with mostly dubious spending proposals of marginal value.

You won’t be surprised to know that I am voting for a re-elected Marshall Liberal government.

Despite the Covid pandemic, the past four years have been economically good for South Australia and there’s a buzz in the state – we aren’t the sick state of the Commonwealth anymore. We are the fastest-growing state and Adelaide is the most liveable city in the nation.

Malinauskas will still be a young man in four years from now and better prepared for government.

Crossbenchers like SA-BEST’s Frank Pangallo and Connie Bonaros, with candidates Keyvan Abak and Ian Markos. Picture: Supplied

The election cycle is so short that voters never have long to wait to take another look at whether they want to change.

As a former candidate, my mind turns to the poor benighted candidates who are picking themselves up each day and throwing themselves once more unto the breach, in the mostly vain hope they will get elected.

Being a candidate for elected office is a complete nightmare.

Sure, if you win, there is a purpose and reward in serving your community. But the vast majority of people who run for office never win.

Sadly, almost all think they are going to and have to transport themselves to some place of unreality the day after the election, to find an excuse that doesn’t start with “Maybe I’m just no good”.

By now, the candidates will be becoming slightly beside themselves.

Christopher Pyne says an election campaign is tough on the candidate. Picture: AAP Image

They will be trying to find new ways to squeeze out that last vote that may make the difference.

One of the more demeaning campaign activities I pioneered was to stand on the side of a busy road and humiliatingly wave posters of myself at oncoming traffic.

It’s so embarrassing that I’m certain electors voted for me out of pity! By this time, I was always furious that the wicked urchins of the Labor Party and Greens and the middle-aged volunteers for the Xenophon Team had removed so many of my posters that I would lie awake at night fretting about it.

My wife used to wake up in the early hours and say “Why don’t you just get dressed and drive around the electorate and see if you can catch anyone taking your posters”?

Bizarrely, I used to think this was a good idea and do just that.

Election posters like these can sometimes get ripped down.

Of course, I never caught anyone, but at least I could comfort myself knowing I had left no stone unturned.

Have you ever tried to be achingly nice to every person you meet for more than four weeks?

Try. It’s harder than you imagine.

That’s what candidates do. In fact, because the campaign is in March, they have to start from the beginning of the year.

A candidate can’t send a meal back because there’s a fly in their soup. They have to pretend it’s just protein.

If an old lady is wincing in pain in her garden because she’s trying to prune her roses and asks you if you wouldn’t mind stopping your doorknocking and doing it for her, you can’t say “Actually, I have a lot more people to see today and so, no, prune them yourself”.

There had been a proposal to ban election posters on stobie poles. Picture: AAP

You have to stop and prune them with her blunt old secateurs and hope she might give you a cold beer at the end of it rather than a warm glass of water.

By the last night before the election, I was always totally strung out. Tired, crabby, feeling fat and sick to death of being nice to everyone I met.

My election eve routine was uncharacteristic. I would treat myself to McDonalds.

Something I almost never do any other time – unless I’m desperately in need of a tonic at the end of a long night.

Perhaps that’s how getting to the last night of an election campaign feels?

Like 2am in the morning in Hindley St after a night of revelry – something I haven’t done in decades, I might add.

On election eve, Christopher Pyne used to treat himself to McDonalds. Picture: NCA NewsWire / James Gourley

Because I am superstitious, I would always get my meal from the same McDonalds on Magill Rd, Tranmere. It was always the same order – a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, a cheeseburger and a medium vanilla thick shake. No wonder I felt fat!

But the very worst part of being a candidate is the day after the election.

Win, lose or draw, you have to drag yourself out of bed – in most cases as the losing candidate – and drive around your electorate removing election posters of yourself from Stobie poles.

If you’ve lost, every poster is a reminder that you won’t be sitting on North Tce as a newly elected MP.

If only Labor and SA First had voted for the Liberal government’s legislation to ban election posters on Stobie poles, that would have saved the poor candidates one less thankless task.

Regardless of the result next Saturday, the sun will come up on Sunday and we will all get on with our lives in one way or another.

Viva la democracia!