What is groundhogging and is it ruining your dating life?

Are you guilty of dating the same ‘type’ and expecting different results? You’re likely a groundhogger.

I haven’t had much luck dating.

I know what I want and I go after it but it always fizzles out! I don’t get it.

We’re always told that when we know what we want and go after it everything will work out, so why isn’t it?

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We date to find our potential match — sifting through people finding what we like versus what we don’t, all of which inevitably leads to the development of our ‘type’.

Whether we’re searching for a specific height or hair colour or perhaps even a certain profession or hobby, there are people who tick our boxes and there are people who don’t.

I knew someone who exclusively dated football players. We are creatures of habit after all.

And while this might seem the norm, research by dating app Inner Circle has found that continuing to date the same sort of person isn’t exactly working out for most.

Falling into this trap is referred to as ‘groundhogging’.

Named after the classic film Groundhog Day, ‘groundhogging’ refers to the concept that people tend to go for the same sort of person over and over, expecting different results.

We are drawn in by our ideal types, date them and then find ourselves feeling underwhelmed or experiencing the same issues! And instead of attributing that to our type, we magically forget and then do it all over again.

So why can we find ourselves stuck in this cycle?

The study found that 60 per cent of ‘hoggers’ believe their type refers to their ‘standards’ and dating outside of that would mean that they were settling, 18 per cent have been burnt too many times and want to play it safe by continuing to date their type, and 14 per cent claim that it’s just a habit.

These reasons are all valid – but prevent singles from experiencing fulfilling dating lives.

I spoke to a few people who stopped groundhogging.

A happy young couple having date and eating ice cream … but are they groundhogging?

Jack inclusively dated cautious women. As someone who enjoys extreme sports and spontaneity, Jack found himself attracted to calm women.

“My dating history is filled with women who meticulously planned every detail and liked to be organised,” he said.

He said that it was amazing at first.

“We would always have dinner reservations booked and trips to look forward too. But after a while, I found myself quite bored.”

Things became predictable for Jack, who’d rather pack up his belongings on a random Friday night, jump in the car and stop whenever petrol starts to run low.

He found himself becoming resentful of his partners.

“Most of my relationships ended because it seemed as though my partners never wanted to do what I wanted to do,” he said, “everything had to be on their terms, because they weren’t spontaneous people by nature and would get overwhelmed.”

Jack was stuck in a cycle of dating the same sort of women, so he changed his mentality. Instead of acting on impulse, he tried to approach dating with an open mind.

“I didn’t immediately jump into serious dating with people who made me feel calmer,” he said, “instead, I embraced the intensity and have found much more success.”

Jack realised that having a partner that matched his intensity was far more dynamic that he imagined.

Tinder — online dating app.

Victoria found herself stuck in a cycle of platonic intimacy.

“As a queer woman, I find myself attracted to pretty much anyone who seems to have emotional intelligence and that I can have intellectual conversations with,” she said.

When Victoria would find someone, they would get stuck in a cycle of dating, then just friends, then dating again, then just friends, until she would inevitably receive a text from them saying “I can’t do this anymore”.

Victoria was addicted to the high of seemingly being the reason that someone who otherwise wasn’t ready for a relationship, changing their mind.

After getting her heart broken on three different occasions, Victoria knew that she was done groundhogging.

When a person she is interested in mentions that they just want to be friends, instead of falling into the cycle of trying to make something more out of it, Victoria started to believe them.

Knowing what you want can be beneficial in relationships, especially when it comes to keeping a certain standard of acceptable behaviour, but when it comes to those superficial aspects, it’s best to put them to the side.

The perfect partner you’ve created in your head might not necessarily be the right person for you – so when you’re searching, keep an open mind and recognise what has worked for you in the past and what hasn’t.

Life // Love // Sex is a weekly column exploring modern relationship, dating, sex, love and life issues. Email reader questions and feedback to our columnist here.