Woman causes a stir for telling friend to lower her standards to find a man

"She feels entitled to a partner with qualities that she herself doesn't have," she said. So, should she have told her or just stayed quiet?

Image: IStock / Reddit

When we listen to our friends rant to us about various aspects of their love lives, our first instinct might be to tell them what we really think of their situations. 

We might want to say something along the lines of, 'Maybe, you're the problem', or perhaps, 'Have you thought about it from their perspective?'. 

However, in the spirit of being a good friend, we keep our lips sealed and nod encouragingly instead.

We might even add in a few 'mm-hmms' and a 'you're right'  along the way for good measure. 

But what happens if we were just plain honest with how we felt? Would a hefty dose of truth ultimately help our friends in the long run?

Well, one woman found out the hard way that no, no it doesn't.

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Image: IStock / Reddit

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Her friend's unrealistic list of demands for a partner

Taking to Reddit's Am I The A**hole forum, the woman explained that her friend 'Lola', 26, has been single for years despite trying hard to find a partner.

"She is on every dating app and wears white whenever we go out to 'manifest a husband'," she said.

The woman said that while her friend is often approached by men when she's out, her standards are so unrealistic that she's likely going to stay single forever.

"It has become abundantly clear why she cannot bag a man," she wrote. "Lola has a long list of demands, most of which she does not meet. She wants someone who is ambitious in his career and makes six figures (she works part-time and lives with her parents, and doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to move out).

"He needs to go to the gym regularly and take care of his body (Lola is overweight and hates exercise). He needs to play an instrument and be into music (Lola says she has never picked up an instrument in her life).

"He has to be over six feet two inches (Lola is five feet two inches). She complains that when we go out, no guys approach her, but I’ve seen plenty of guys ask her to dance, buy her a drink, etc., and she rejects all of them."

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"Consider applying yourself more in her job, going to the gym, and picking up a hobby"

The poster said that Lola has a habit of bringing up her non-existent dating life in every conversation.

She mostly tries to ignore it, but recently, Lola asked her directly for advice.

"My fiancée Jim is tall, athletic, ambitious and musically gifted, and she wanted to know how I got him," she explained.

"I tried my best to explain to her nicely that people tend to choose partners who are similar to themselves. Jim and I go to the gym together every day, we both are very dedicated to our jobs, and we have a lot of similar hobbies and interests, so we have a lot to talk about.

"I told her that if she wants to find a man like that, she should consider applying herself more in her job, going to the gym, and picking up a hobby she wants her partner to have. Otherwise, she could either date a guy who is as interested in her as she is or be comfortable with being single."

Safe to say, the blunt advice didn't go down well.

"Lola got really upset and accused me of fat-shaming her (even though I never said anything about losing weight – just going to the gym because she wants her partner to go to the gym)," she wrote.

"One of my friends told me Lola is worthy and deserving of a great guy and doesn’t need to change herself. Afterwards, I got some texts from friends demanding I apologise to Lola, but others supported me and told me that I was right and Lola was way too sensitive."

She concluded her post: "I was trying to help, but would it have been better if I just lied?"

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"She feels entitled to a partner with qualities that she herself doesn't have"

The OP found many supporters in the comments, with one user saying, "You gave Lola honest, helpful advice when she asked for it. You didn't fat shame her - you just pointed out that people often date those with similar lifestyles. If she wants a fit, successful guy, she should work on those things herself."

"These are all superficial qualities. None of these traits says anything about his character. She doesn't want a man. She wants an accessory," chimed in another.

Then someone else sided with her too, writing, "She feels entitled to a partner with qualities that she herself doesn't have, rejecting people who don't meet her unrealistic expectations, and then complaining about not finding anyone."

"NTA," agreed another. "If you want to meet guys who go to the gym, then going to the gym would seem to be an obvious step. Blindingly obvious, in fact, and not fat shaming at all. People of all sizes go to gyms."

And finally, someone pointed out, "You were as polite about it as one can be and aren't wrong. If her friends wanna feed her delusions, that's on them.

"If you're a three with no intention of bettering yourself, you're out of your mind thinking you deserve a ten. Nobody owes it to her to date downwards just because she wants to be a coddled, pampered woman all her life."

Originally published as Woman causes a stir for telling friend to lower her standards to find a man