‘I stopped reminding my hubby and it solved my mental load problem’

A Wollongong SAHM was sick of doing everything that she thought was ‘her job’ - then her hubby found the ‘life-changing’ solution.

For a long time, Matthew would ask Brenda, his wife and mother of their two children, ‘What can I do? How can I help? Does the washing need to be done?’

And he honestly thought he was doing the right thing.

Then last year, a lightbulb moment came that changed everything about how the Wollongong parents share the daily mental load.

“I listened to a podcast, and realised that asking Brenda wasn’t helpful,” the 42-year-old dad, who works full time in IT, tells Kidspot.

“It was an eye-opener.”

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Brenda stopped asking her husband to help. Image: Supplied

The conversation that needs to happen

Instead of continuing to assume something was being done, or reminding the other person about it, Brenda and Matthew - who do not outsource any home duties - created a list of what each of them would be responsible for, giving clarity and more fairness to their partnership.

“It was a really positive conversation,” Brenda, 43, says.

“We just sat down with a pen and paper and calmly went through everything. At one point, my list was getting a bit long, so we had to shimmy some things over to Matt’s.”

Brenda, a stay-at-home mum and former chef, continued to take on many things she had done previously - but the difference now is that they are ‘agreed’ upon, rather than ‘left’ for her to do.

“I do the grocery shopping, washing (with the kids folding and putting away), the cleaning, and the lawns (I enjoy plodding in the garden so I’m happy to do that),” she says.

“Then I take care of school What’sApp groups and permission slips, sports registrations and uniforms, checking the mailbox, calling tradespeople if something needs fixing, and buying gifts for birthdays and Christmas. I also do the cooking - because of me being a chef, it’s much easier for me to do it - and Matt will do Friday night and Sunday morning meals. But my least favourite task would be deciding what to cook every night. I think about that from the time I wake up until dinner time. But what’s helped is that we make a meal plan and involve the kids.”

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Mums do so much

When Matthew saw just how much Brenda had on her to-do list, he was mentally prepared but still in awe of his wife.

“I expected it to be confronting to see just how much Brenda does, and when we had the discussion I really saw the effort in things like getting the kids to school and getting them to an activity on time,” he says.

It gave me a greater appreciation for Brenda and what she does for the family.”

As for Matthew’s list, he took on more of the mental load and daily kitchen duties. 

“I take care of our finances, which is everything from setting up direct debits, making sure we’re paying bills on time, doing all the transactions for our savings plans, dealing with everything to do with the mortgage, and managing our household budget as we follow a few things from The Barefoot Investor,” he says.

“I also handle anything to do with technology that any of us use, I make sure any equipment the kids need for their sports are ready for that weekend, and all the travel bookings. I now also take a lot of pride in stacking the dishwasher at the end of every night and first thing in the morning, unloading that and having everything put away. It’s also my job to make sure we have enough dishwashing tablets in the cupboard.”

The decision that saved their sanity

For Brenda, the changes have been monumental.

“At the end of the day, it used to be me who would be the only one to think that all the dishes needed to be washed, and I would need remind others that it needed to be done, but now, waking up knowing I didn’t have any dishes to put away has been a shining light,” she says.

“The things that Matt does are not my cup of tea, so for me not to have to worry about it is a great load off my mind. I still know everything about our finances and have access to everything, and we each have an equal portion of money to spend as we wish once all the necessities are covered.”

When it comes to taking care of their 13-year-old son, Kaden and 12-year-old daughter, Kiara’s five extracurricular activities, the load is also shared.

“Brenda still takes them to training after school,” Matthew explains.

“We decided that I would take on more of the execution - which is not so much the mental load, but more of the time. On game day, I will be there, and during the week, I check in to see if there’s a clash so that Brenda can get to her own personal activities too, and that day I’ll aim to get home from work earlier to help everyone get where they need to be.”

Matthew has also been allocated more of the mental load across all their sports.

“Matthew coaches Kaden’s cricket team,” Brenda says.

“Before, he would just turn up to a game, but now he thinks about the food he needs to take, whether the uniforms are ready and things like that. There’s no more reminding. It’s changed a lot.”

RELATED: ‘The monthly ritual that saved our marriage’

Parenting done right. Image: Supplied

Everyone has a job

Brenda says allocating a day for different duties, also eases the mental load significantly.

“For example, Monday I’ll do household cleaning, Tuesday will be shopping and meal prepping, Wednesday is admin day and errands, Thursday I volunteer at a community centre so that’s my ‘me’ day,” she says.

While Brenda no doubt has the lion’s share of unpaid work at home, it’s an arrangement that suits them both.

“Brenda still has the majority of the household responsibilities, and we both feel fortunate that we have a family income that allows for just one parent to work,” Matthew says.

“She’s also entrepreneurial, so she pursues her own thing too.”

Brenda adds: “In the times where I do feel that guilt over not contributing financially, Matt will always tell me just how much I do and what a huge contribution to the family it is.”

The list has been so successful that it hasn’t changed at all 12 months later. 

“When we were allocating the jobs, we thought about who is good at something and who enjoys doing it, rather than saying, ‘You just do this and I’ll do that’,”  Brenda says. 

“When you allocate jobs this way, you really want to do them well and have that responsibility to look after your family, and that works for both of us.”

And it goes without saying that it’s done wonders for their marriage, and given their children a new sense of appreciation of how much both parents do. 

“I’ve found my relationship with Matt has improved because I feel like him finding that podcast and listening to it shows that he cares about our relationship, and that he wants to make things better,” Brenda smiles.

“I feel more seen, because the mental load is something you can’t see. The kids also know we have separate jobs and they understand mum doesn’t have to do everything, and just how much dad does as well. They know more about how things get done now, and they have their own jobs, too. I don’t feel like I’m carrying it all anymore. It has been life-changing.”

Originally published as ‘I stopped reminding my hubby and it solved my mental load problem’