‘I don’t ask what my live-in partner earns and he doesn’t ask me’

A Sydney couple have never divulged to each other what’s in their bank account - and they say their relationship is better for it.

After going on more than 200 dates in just one year, Martha wondered if she would ever find love. 

But when the 46-year-old Sydney woman met a man named Melcome on the dating app, Plenty of Fish, her life changed in almost an instant.

After just one month of dating the divorced father-of-one, Martha - who does not have children but owns a cat - welcomed Melcome (and his dog) into her one-bedroom apartment after his rental became uninhabitable after a flood.

“We became close very soon, and I had met his daughter and ex-wife after three weeks as I went into it not fearing the situation or being insecure about his past,” Martha, who was undergoing trauma therapy at the time to heal from her previous 19-year marriage, tells Kidspot. 

“Financially, I didn’t want to charge him anything to live with me, and he contributed in many other ways.”

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The couple swear they're happier for it. Image: Supplied

Keeping finances separate

Their unexpected cohabitation went so well that after four months, they moved into a bigger property that would comfortably house the couple, their pets, and have a room for Melcome’s visiting 13-year-old daughter. 

That was five years ago.

And to this day, the de facto couple have kept separate finances so much so that they have never chosen to share what each other earns, or the amount of their bank balance. They also choose to not share an account.   

“We never brought it up,” Martha, who is self-employed as a makeup artist and confidence coach, says of the couple’s salaries and savings. 

“We still don’t know how much each other makes. That was never my worry. I always had a successful business and always paid for everything myself, so I never cared how much he was earning, and he is the same towards me.”

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After coming out of her traumatic marriage, Martha participated in 40 relationship courses for personal development before meeting Melcome, so she knew exactly what she wanted in her next partnership.

“Money was a big block for me in my previous relationship and now I don’t care about money,” she says honestly. 

“It’s lovely to have a guy who doesn’t care about it as well. We aren't wealthy at all but we have a comfortable life.”

The couple aren’t looking to purchase a property together yet while they need to remain in Sydney close to Melcome’s daughter, but it is in their future plans. 

An agreement that works

When they moved in together, Melcome, who is a government employee, volunteered to pay the entire rent for their three-bedroom townhouse, while Martha happily agreed to cover all the utilities, groceries and entertainment costs.

“I found our place as he travels a lot for work, so once we agreed on the size of home we needed and the area, he gave me a budget and we went from there and I was able to choose the type of place that I liked,” Martha explains.

“Yes, he pays more overall, but our relationship isn’t based on who is doing what. When I see a bill come in, I’lll just pay it and we don’t keep track of who pays what. For me, I see it as, ‘If I have extra to give, you can come and take it and it’s not taking advantage of me as I am the blessed one’.”

“We take care of each other in the way we choose. Both of us feel that we don’t take advantage of each other and that’s where a lot of fears in relationships come from.”

Their mutually agreed arrangement also means they never need to answer to each other when it comes to their splurges.

“We don’t question what each other buys,” she says.

“I buy some luxury things like bags and shoes and he buys some silly things, and he just says if I like something, to buy it, and I’m the same with him.”

The Aussie pair don't share their earnings with each other. Image: Supplied

Despite being so independent, Martha has no doubt she and Melcome would support each other when times get tough, no matter what. And he has already done so in a very big way.

When her beloved 16-year-old cat, Mui Mui, passed away in 2021, Martha fell into a deep depression for almost two years.

“She was my only support throughout my marriage, and being so depressed, I could barely work,” she remembers emotionally.

“I’d used up my savings and Melcome fully supported me throughout that emotionally and financially. He was so lovely about it. He gave me the confidence to rebuild my life back at my lowest and didn’t pressure me to go and find work, he encouraged me to find my way when the time was right, and I have done that now.” 

Five years into their relationship, Martha wholeheartedly says she and Melcome are still “very much in love” and have the same relaxed attitude towards how they contribute financially. 

“He’s kind, he’s beautiful, giving and loving - everything that I want, he has,” she gushes.

“He always makes me feel safe and he’s my hero. Every month we have a date night and we go on holidays a lot. I pay for it all - except if he’s taking me out or away on a holiday for an occasion, then he will pay for it all. If I organise a birthday party for him, I will organise and pay for it all."

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A happy home

It took her decades to enjoy her “first healthy relationship”, and now she has the perfect formula, Martha isn’t intending to change it one bit, despite what others may think.

“We don’t feel the need to ever change anything,” she says confidently.

“We are happy in our own spaces financially and we support each other whenever it’s needed. When we need help, we ask, and when we can help, we support. We are not driven by fear - only trust. That’s what a relationship should be.”

Originally published as ‘I don’t ask what my live-in partner earns and he doesn’t ask me’