Unlocking the secrets to greater sexual connection

If you’re seeking better and more frequent sex with your partner, you need to learn about these top “erotic charging dynamics”.

To be good lovers, you must understand sexual attraction goes beyond physical attraction and the act of sex.

Many factors influence how much you desire and are desired by your partner.

Sexual tension and sexual energy have many potential charging sources, and these can be divided into two main categories.

The first is related to the overall “relationship connection”, while the second category is concerned with what we call “erotic charging dynamics”.

Couples who have a better relationship connection have a healthier sex life. This is something we see evidenced in our practice on a regular basis. As couples work through our therapy program, their sex life improves as a by-product.

It is no coincidence that when couples feel better connected, are kinder, more playful, have less conflict and have more fun, they also have more sex.

Erotic charging dynamics (ECDs) are far less obvious than the positive interactions associated with relationship connections.

Unlike overt displays of affection, ECDs often operate beneath the surface of our awareness, yet they have a profound effect on sexual attraction between partners.

The origins of ECDs are complex, and are influenced by personality, family beliefs, culture, interpersonal attachment and past experience.

It is important not to get caught up on the why. Rather, identify and understand what ECDs are charging for your relationship and utilise them.

Here are some common ECDs:

Seeing your partner as independent and self-sufficient

For example, seeing them get dressed up, going out to a work meeting or a social occasion and displaying autonomy can be arousing. Your partner becomes more valuable in your eyes. They are going out into the world looking nice without you. They are confident and looking forward to interacting with other people.

This dynamic allows you a glimpse of how you saw your partner when you were dating. It sparks attraction and unconsciously makes your partner attachment unsettled/exciting. Therefore, you seek to conquer the attachment again. It increases your sexual desire to feel physically connected to your partner.

If you’re seeking better and more frequent sex with your partner, you need to learn about these top “erotic charging dynamics”. Picture: iStock

Being naughty together and going out of your comfort zone together

Being naughty together can be stimulating and exciting. You are also creating a shared private and personal experience with your partner.

Being naughty is going out of your comfort zone together and doing something taboo, which is often associated with increasing sexual erotic energy.

What is considered “naughty” is different for every couple. For some, it could be ditching work together for a secret rendezvous. For others, it might be sexual exploration in uncharted territories.

Seeing your partner desired by others or thinking they might be desired by others

This can be erotically charging – and can happen in reverse also.

Feeling desired by others in front of your partner can be erotically charging. This ECD creates vulnerability, attraction and desire in your sexual connection.

While it might create some vulnerability in the attachment, it can supercharge the desire for sexual connection, bringing stability to the attachment.

For example, let’s say you’re at a party with friends and you see somebody talking with your partner with great interest and perhaps even a little flirtation. This observation might be enough to create some sexually charged energy within you.

A more exaggerated version of this is encouraging your partner to flirt with other people in front of you when you’re out – with agreed boundaries, of course.

Whatever the question, love is the answer. Picture: iStock

Creating mystery and doing the opposite of being mundane and predictable

When one partner becomes mysterious or withholds some information, it can create sexual energy.

We’re not talking about being disrespectful or hiding things in your relationship. We’re talking about creating a bit of mystery and moving away from the usual.

For example, you could create an exciting date and keep your partner in the dark about it.

Creating novelty

This can also be a good way to supercharge sexual energy in the relationship.

The excitement of doing something new often leads to better sexual connection. This is one of the reasons couples have more sex when travelling to new destinations and experiencing different cultures.

Trying sexual adventure and exploration

Sitting down with your partner and talking about different ways you might like to have sex or about erotic realms you’d like to explore can charge erotic energy.

Even the discussion alone can supercharge erotic energy.

Perhaps you’d like to try a sex toy or new positions. Erotic energy exists in the discussion, the anticipation and during the act.

The exploration and the adventure increase the desire and experience.

Getting creative really helps. Picture: iStock

Using your imagination

Sexual chemistry also occurs in the imagination.

Esther Perel, a famous psychotherapist who works with couples and is an expert on sexual desire, explains that your next orgasm starts moments after having sex. What she means is the sexual tension between partners is ongoing, moving through cycles.

Sexual attraction is held as much in the anticipation of sex, as in the act. Keeping your sexual imagination in mind and being aware of this tension can fuel sexual energy between you and your partner. This might involve recalling a positive sexual memory or giving a flirty look or touch.

Because your emotional relationship and sex life are connected, every interaction, positive attitude and affection towards your partner has an influence on your sex life. For example, a hello and goodbye hug, a goodnight kiss and listening with warmth are all undercurrents of your sex life.

When you have a positive relationship connection, ECDs will sexually charge your relationship. They’re in play whether you are aware of them or not. They take sex out of the realm of simply being physical, which means along with relationship connection you can work on your sexual connection any time.

Edited extract from The 8 Love Links (Publish Central $34.95) by Shahn Baker Sorekli & Helen Robertson. Shahn and Helen are Clinical Psychologists and couples therapists, as well as co-founder of the couples coaching app My Love Your Love. For more information visit www.8lovelinks.com.

Originally published as Unlocking the secrets to greater sexual connection